"Dancing Through Life"......uncertainly

I find myself exceptionaly lost. This semester seems to be nothing but excessive stress leading to multiple sobbing sessions. I just couldn't seem to figure out what made me so unhappy. For the first time I've had multiple thoughts of leaving because I'm so overwhelmed. I never had that for a moment freshman year. So why is it killing me in sophomore one?

I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....

leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"

"yes.......no........."

everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.

and then....

the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.

The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).

But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.

I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.

He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.

The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.

But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.

He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.

It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.

wo hui shou zhong wen....yi di er

I don't even know if my spelling is right for that anymore.

I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?

I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.