I need to drop out of my life, cut some things, and plunge back in. My load seems entirely too heavy with all of my classes and extra curriculars. I have 2 tests tomorrow and I really haven't even started studying for either...at least not hard-core memorization. If I just had my classes and nothing else...or even if I just had that and student government. I'm seriously going to fail this semester. At least that's the way it feels right now. Never again. I just have to make it through this semester without killing myself.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
dimanche 25 septembre 2005
mardi 13 septembre 2005
relaxtion of the weekend wearing off
Portland was lovely. lovely, because i was actually able to enjoy myself....forget the stress of college. its week 3. i can't slow down.....it just keeps getting to me. i'm trying very hard not to let it weigh me down. but it gets hard with missing lunch 4 out of 5 days a week, not coming home until 7, and having homework and rehearsals to worry about.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
lundi 5 septembre 2005
my own
i love this feeling of being free. i am sheltered, but from a far. this going to portland business would be so much better if i wasn't staying with my parents. but then again, this is a family wedding....so.... but i am navigating the airport by myself....but i have been through o'hare several times.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
dimanche 4 septembre 2005
Beginning Again
First post of the school year. I've spent my summer on an awful Internet connection with no time for trivial things like posting.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
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