I've come to the conclusion it is all right for one to have secrets. A was being paranoid that just because I was slightly depressed over maslc being over and such that we were going to break up. Of course, he didn't know my sad mood was caused by maslc. Instead his head jumped to conclusions- I was in love with someone else....

Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.

So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.

stupid something that made me lose this extra long post...grr

anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.

ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.

so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.

but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...