French, you say?

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs.You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

I love it. Coundown to Paris: 34 days

Hmmm...

I just finished my French cultural class compostion. Now, I must begin further research for my world music presentation outline. My drive seems to be dwindling. Next week will be killer, but it will all be do-able. Honestly, I'm not that horrible of a procrastinator.

I just want to be finished with school. AW is so worn down with all of his work. Unfortunatly, he still has college applications. It would be in his best interest to apply now or at least talk to admissions counselors. I'm trying my best to help him, but annoys me to be like a personal assistant...funny how I seem to be so good at that job.

I'd definetly like to know where I'm going next year. This summer looms ahead of me with uncertainty. I'd like to know pre-Paris. I'd probably like to visit these schools just to see. I've sort of picked my choice already based on the major selection, price, and location. Perhaps I would be too hasty.

school + me = done

my fowl mood from the weekend seems to have carried over. despite school being almost finished, i despise nearly every second that i'm still here. the weather is beautiful and i can't stand being here.

plus, i seemed to have furthered the melancholy of the situation. i'm picking fights with AW. He's been stressed lately and not dealing with it that well. I'm tired of him being set off by everything and his "melodrama". Now, I'm playing the introverted "leave me alone" card. And I know that it makes everything worse for him; i've abandoned him. We were quietly fighting before he had to go to opera workshop. Yesterday, he was concerned about me while I was endlessly sobbing. Today, I'm running away because he's asking for help with his problems.

my response is to leave each other alone for a few days. i know i'm being manipulative and just twisting the knife. but it's also the mood i've fallen into. i need to be alone. i know it hurts for me to push him away but it's the only thing i know to do.

on an ironic side note: i've been wait-listed at Sarah Lawrence College. Is this all I'm getting? I'm accepted to my safety schools and wait-listed at my top choices....well, there are worse things. Besides, Sarah Lawrence est tres cher. I don't have the money to pay for it.

Easter

Today has plumeted me into a very melancholy state. I was fine. I went to AW's for the weekend; it's been the same as any other short-term holiday. I was helping with the music for church, some piano solos and a singing duet-thing with AW for prelude.

I'm not sure why...G was singing "Climb every mountain" from Sound of Music; I looked across the sanctuary and saw this old man holding his hand to his face. My interpretation was that he was crying...he could have been holding his head for a moment. I lost it and couldn't hold my composure after that. I was wiping my eyes throughout the service and couldn't even sing hymns. I was thankfully able to make it through my piano postlude. I ran out and got a supply of Kleenex and headed outside. I stood there sobbing and debating what I should do to tell AW where I was.

It was M. It had to be. It's hardly been a month and I haven't been in a church since her funeral. The family was trying to have some semblance of a holiday- the first one without her. I wasn't there. I was in Wisconsin. I haven't been to a Thanksgiving or Easter with my family for 2 years. Plus I was at AW's house the night she died. I spent a large portion of my time sobbing for no reason in his bed because I didn't conciously know she was gone. I kept thinking, "I hope this isn't some godforsaken 6th sense of death."

I sobbed for most of the afternoon. We were supposed to go to AW's uncle's after church. I couldn't go. I couldn't hold my composure and presuaded him to let me stay and rest. I sobbed for quite some time. I kept getting the feeling something was wrong, but it made no sense to me.

I wanted to be with my Dad, because he would understand best. He took M's death especially hard. Mom was upset, just like everyone else...but M was Dad's sister. Our bond to her was closer than Mom's and it shook us more.

Even writing this, my tears come back.

There can't be anything wrong. I've been having episodes like this all semester. Only once has it been for a legitimate reason. But these situation seem much more similar.

Am I still grieving?

1 Month...or less

I love this. The reality of almost being out of here is finally setting in. My parents came this weekend and rid my room of the necessary clutter. I like the spareness of my room. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting on school decisions and trying to determine the best course of action. Augsburg sent me a good financial aid package and my transfer credit forms. Otherwise, I'm hoping for Lewis and Clark still. I'd love to know their decision pre-Paris or ideally before the end of the school year.

I'm in a weird state of sophomore-itis. I need to be out of here. The weather is lovely, my motivation declines. I'm still ok with work. I love my very few committments schedule. No opera workshop, no Urinetown.

I just need to make it through finals.

Paris!