i'm waiting to fly
to spread my wings and soar
far above everything i've ever known
fly to my place in the sky
in the big wide world, surrounded by lights
will i make it? i don't know
but i've got to try

i've waiting to fly
away from these people, this place
so near and dear to my heart, but not
most i never will see again
but those i will miss
those who will form a void

love and loss
will it happen to me?
probably, but i don't want to stop it
commitment is crazy right now
marriage so far away
despite everything i want to keep him in my life

will the inevitable happen?
will we cause each other pain?
letting this distance further separate us
making us stray from something so wonderful
because we need to satisfy this need
this longing
for a companion, to be loved
we love each other, but is it enough
is it ever enough?

relationship going nowhere
passion subsides
love is still there
perhaps more than it ever was
friendship growing
does it outweigh the romance?
forced to go farther
wanting to hold back, but am i jeoprodizing this
no...hold firm
too much put into physical
overrated
but yet, its stopped

i'm flying away
i can't stop it
i don't want to stop it
i'm leaving
and leaving him behind
for better or for worse
gone

for some reason whenever i write in here i feel more free, like i'm not putting up a front for anyone. that is highly unlikely, save A. i guess i just feel the need to protect him, and from what i gather he does the same for me. we're just 2 vunerable people trying not to get hurt but clinging to each other in the process. but at the same time, do we completely spill everything because we have this label? we haven't known each other deeply for a long time...3 months.

last night in my car as i brought up the topic concerning our relationship while i'm at college...i guess it just scared me that he seemed so sure of our commitment. i want to be unattached when i'm at college. i want to be free to meet new guys and maybe have relationships with them...or at least be able to flirt or go a bit farther and not feel guilty. i wouldn't cheat but the temptation would be enough to make me be guilty.

yet, adric talks of marriage and of still being here for me when i come back for christmas and spring break. i feel the need to separate from everything and leave my small hometown as a separate world that will function on its own and i'm simply not a direct part of it anymore. i've wanted this for a long time...i've mentioned it before in my other blog, the need to sever ties. i won't destroy them, but i need to leave.

but i keep running into this issue about me....i'm afraid of commitment and greatly value my independence, sometimes too much. what i like about the people who are constant fixtures in my life is i can go off and do my own thing but when i need/want someone around they'll be there for me-for the superifical or for the larger issues. my parents, my friends are perfect examples.

but i've decided that decision is best left until august...right before i leave. in the meantime, i'll just enjoy what i have because A makes me really happy.