No, it was all just an illusion

So, I believe this crazy bubble burst. At least I'm wise to it this time. AC and I were supposed to do something today. Sent a "how are you, had a good time" text Friday night. Sent a what are you up to text this afternoon, phone call with no message. Around 4-I was trying to hold out until tonight- I left a "don't play this game with me, what do you really want?, tell me the truth" message. Ironically, G is busy this weekend so I do get to sit on this one and see where it goes. At this point, nothing from AC. If he bothers to contact me this weekend, there could be a million excuses. Mostly, I'm not holding my breath. I think on Thursday I was just there. He always needs someone to pursue and wasn't I a good object. I'm done with him...this is no good.

I took the longest walk ever today. It was fantastic.

Meanwhile, tomorrow I'm having breakfast with D. Everything will go back to normal, with only a slight bruising of my healed wounds. I'll bounce back.

He came back?

Last night I plunged into something that I thought was finished forever. At the Thanksgiving dinner, AC asked about us. It had been nearly 2 months. I thought I was dropped. We sort of started talking about it and I had to give a speech. The entire evening he kept flirting with me. I had no idea what his agenda was. Never-the-less, I was intrigued.
At the after party, he was somewhat intoxicated. We slid into a booth and sort of finished our conversation. I laid it down for him. I think I agreed to give it another shot, but not without misgivings. We went to another bar, at this point I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. So, I decide I need more alcohol to ease the situation. We talk again at this bar. It's extremely loud. I live right around the corner, so eventually I begged for an escort home. I don't know what everyone else thought, nor do I care.
It was raining, we sauntered home. He lit cigarettes under overhangs. We kept talking about us and the mistakes and the misinterpretations and the apologies. I told him about my French lover. Now, I wish I hadn't. It would have given me more leverage.
He came up to my apartment...still continuing the conversation. This time we actually decided to do the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I still have the issue of my French lover, but I don't entirely trust AC, so I'll cool it for this weekend and see where we are. I feel like if I jump into this too quickly, I'll get burned again. G and I aren't serious. I could drop it and there probably won't be too many hurt feelings. I need to see how AC is. He can tell me all kinds of things, but I have to be with him for more than a week, and not in a concentrated period, to really see it.
I'm being secretive. I can't tell anyone this; I know what my friends would say.

French Lover

So I've gotten myself into this situation which feels oddly out of a movie. I met a French guy last Friday night in a bar. We were together until 4 am. Sunday we go out on a date an establish a pattern. He took me for a walk on the beach. We talked a little; he speaks very little English, which is good for me, so we're speaking French. We drive back to his apartment, fool around, which eventually leads to sex. He drives me home, says he'll call me.

During the week, I'm not holding my breath. I relay this story to my friends and they agree that I don't need a relationship, just a conversation partner and a fuck buddy. Not a bad idea. I send him a text message proposing this idea, subtly. He accepts. We eventually make plans to see each other on Sunday.

I find my way to his apartment....at first we sit watching tv, little movement, no conversation. The program finishes and we commence. The whole thing is nice; we have good physical chemistry....after I while, I lay there wondering if this is it. We don't really say anything. I feel like this is my fault because I'm not that great at French. Eventually I try to start a conversation...this is better.

I go home for dinner. He drives me and I throw my hair into a "sex hair" ponytail. I wonder if my host family notices that these past 2 sundays I come home with the ponytail and an air of rejuvenation. This is my Sunday routene.

I still need a picture of him to prove that this happened.

traveling and return

I've spent the last week casually traveling through Germany and Austria- technically just 2 cities, but doesn't it sound better when I mention countries?

Saturday afternoon alone in the apartment...entertaining myself with the computer. While I was in Germany at the beginning of the week I wished for my journal. So much self-reflection and now that it's 5 days later, I can't remember any of it.

New Goals for self:

Travel everywhere
Never settle for someone else or for a need to have someone else
Truly be independent
Never let yourself be tied down without complete acceptance of new circumstances

I'm really great at vague goals.