Vacation, or lack thereof

My angst-ridden, twenty-something self is throwing a pity party. Or at least pretending that I'm deprived/ depressed and there's some sort of righteous struggle that I'm upholding. This is my last semester of college, and I'll make it through if it kills me (which it won't, but this is me being over-dramatic).

Task list:
1. French lit presentation, hardly begun and supposed to have been given yesterday.
2. Social psych lit review due Tuesday- again not begun
3. Keystone book report due Thursday before Easter (next week)
4. Larger paper for social psych due at near semesters end (immediately preceeded by another lit review)
5. Large project for French lit class due at semester's end (again, topic not chosen)
6. Final essay for keystone
7. Work each of 3 jobs

So after my lack of a spring break in which I come back sleep-deprived, over-stressed, and unprepared I again take a tail spin into my constant, stress-filled life. This can't be good for my health. I lack time and money to buy groceries. I have yet to give myself a full meal in two weeks (minus choir tour, so I guess that doesn't count).

Granted, none of these things are difficult in-and-of themselves. Rather, it is the constant succession and equal demands put on by all projects. I have a small ray of hope, Easter vacation, awaiting me in the middle of April. Otherwise, I'm holding out for graduation at the end of May. It is very tempting to escape right now. I know myself and I know that I will inevitably crack under this pressure unless something lets up. I'm already exhibiting negative coping mechanisms.

I want to take this rest of this week off, but I have already skipped my social psych class this week and cut out of work too many times recently. I have not skipped a keystone yet, but I know that would be a bad idea.

Another looming prospect is my lack of structure post-summer. I do have 5 months before decisions have to be made/ executed. However, I've been passing up opportunities because of busyness. Irritating. I almost wish I had some full-time office job lined up, something safe. Even better, if I had living arrangements to go with it.

conflict

home has not be a positive environment for me as of late. AH and I had a large fight on Sunday and it has still not resolved itself. I'm not sure why it hasn't. He provoked it, wanting a larger discussion about what he can do so we like him more. I think he's craving affection and attention. Frankly, as roommates its best to let things be. Our personalities are not entirely compatible. One has to bit their tongue and pick their battles, otherwise their home environment will become a war zone.

I don't want the long and drawn-out discussion. It reminds me all too well about A. The discussion will be one-sided, as they always are with AH. He puts up such a front, but I think he is more needy than me (and I'm rather needy, but just sullen about it). I know it will not be short and things will never be solved. Living with him will never be perfect and neither he nor I can change that. I didn't even necessarily choose him; I unknowingly went along with L's vouch of character and my first impression of him.

Every interaction with him for the past few days has left me pissed off and stressed out. He always barges into my space and I should just forbid him from doing do (although this is apt to further the conflict). Whenever I enter a space that he occupies, he's pissed at me. Basically, staying out of each other's way is the only coping mechanism for right now. I suppose we should actually sort this out. I initially just wanted a cooling-off period because I dreaded the discussion, but now I think it is inevitable (though it will not be good).

I want to run away. I miss AW and want to run to him, but that will not solve anything. But he will offer me small solace.

School's going really well for me. I feel very on top of things, despite not doing anything last week because of my recital. Even though homework is happening very last minute, I am extremely aware of my time management abilities and am able to churn out good work. Discussions within class are become more sophisticated and I think my memory and critical thinking skills are sharper. Is this was the last semester of college does to you? You get a fantastic handle on things and then leave. Maybe this is my light at the end of the tunnel motivation.

I need a month-long spring break. Two weeks for choir tour, followed by two weeks in EL with my family.