so from last night i have discerned this:
drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment
JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?
today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.
so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.
pissed off....unhappy....but not crying
mardi 24 janvier 2006
lundi 23 janvier 2006
breakdown, again
so....top events of the evening
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
get me the hell out of here
so, life seems much more dismal this week. day 2 of feeling like shit and wanting the entire city of Rockford to go away. this seems to be my mantra: i've managed not to string 2 sentences together for AW. God, I hate his clingyness when i'm like this. It's amazing how I was just as mushy as he last week. what bullshit.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
samedi 21 janvier 2006
.....
feeling sickish...headachy, weird esophagus/ chest thing going on. eating, swollowing is painful. not good...i'm rather small anyway and if i had little drive to eat....
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
mardi 17 janvier 2006
it begins
Oddly enough, this New Year finds me at a very strange beginning, one that I didn't anticipate. 3 days after my fabulous weekend with L and co in Minneapolis the pressure of last semester and everything surrounding it fell. I cried for 3 days and could hardly get out of bed. I didn't eat for almost the entire second day. I pushed away AW, who was coming to visit me. I didn't know who I was anymore.
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
guilty pleasure, and it triggers more posts
1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:00ish, but no class until noon
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
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