why is this strangely reminiscent of last year during classic novels when i was utterly miserable. am i utterly miserable right now? i don't know, i don't think so.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
jeudi 28 avril 2005
goddammit fucking mother cock sucker
i'm angry....i feel like yelling and throwing things. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing over and over again....endless obscenities....
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
mardi 26 avril 2005
tired of school
3 weeks....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
lundi 18 avril 2005
should be doing work
senior skip day....aka, everyone skips.....only two classes today, makes my life that much better.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
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