a few precious minutes before my next class and i decide to say screw homework and blog. i'm in one of those contemplative moods today...aloof and unsure.....and i think i fall into the aloofness because i don't know a better way to be without being embarassed....those times when you don't have anything to say and feel dumb about it, even though having something to say wouldn't matter anyway.

i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.

i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.

What do I do? I'm caught in an awful predicament, the only thing that would make it better is to know that AW is in it with me. It finally happened, I knew it was going to and I wanted it to....but I'm finally facing the reality of it. AW finally made his move, after about a week and a half. After AM and SD left last night I stayed and watched Family Guy in his room. Things were like how they were Friday night. We were cuddling but nothing more. After awhile I brought it up, because it was obvious we both had feelings for each other, regardless of the signifigant others we had back home. He was caught just as I was...torn between his girlfriend of 2 years who was far away and had been far away for a long time. I was torn between this amazing guy right here, versus the one I had left at home. We started talking about it and I began stroking his face lightly. I stopped and he wanted me to keep going. And then we kissed, and kissed and kissed. He's a completely different style than the other guys I've kissed before. He's so soft and gentle...very tender and loving. Versus forceful and wet with a lot of tongue. I liked it, that's how I would rather it be. So we made out multiple times and it didn't go that far. I ended up sleeping in his bed since it was 4 in the morning and he wanted me to stay.

So we slept in the same bed, side by side....like A and I had done...occassional when we were both awake we'd caress one another....I stayed in his bed until he had to get up for work. So I'll spend the day sleeping and doing homework before I call him tonight after work.

I'm not sure about this...I know I'm going to break it off with A soon. Besides the cheating...my interest is being too easily swayed and the love in downsizing into just friend status. I'm not sure when I'll do it. AW said we'll not be together initially...so we can break off relationships and settle in a little better. He doesn't want to change directions that drastically right now. But he assured me that nothing will be weird between us. We'll be friends with benefits. I trust him. He could have pushed last night, but didn't. He could have made his move last week, but he didn't. But he had his eye on me before we ate dinner and met at school for the first time last wednesday.

And A sent me an e-mail about how confident he is about the relationship. He's so optimist. I'm going to crush him. I'm afraid to phone him...I'll resort to e-mail and probably break it off next week.

But I'm going to take a nap before I do homework.

Good/Weird/etc Day

I’m finally getting settled in at school. I had an odd day of just everything. My parents came at lunch and gave me my new fridge and groceries. I told them about concerns with my roommate and the hope that she’d be gone by Thanksgiving/ Christmas whatever. Turns out she’s leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, but its due to financial reasons. I feel bad because I was extremely two-faced to her when she told me. And then we started getting to know each other tonight and I thought maybe we would co-exist. But I’m secretly happy. I get a single room now. She said she’d hopefully be back Spring semester, but I’m figuring no.

Most weirdness of the day: An upper class theatre major, AS befriended me. I ran into him today and ended up wandering off with him. Talking to various staff today and whatnot. Lost my group and ended up eating dinner with him. Basically I’ve hung out with him for a good portion of the day. He doesn’t mind my company. I kept asking him if I’m like a freshman leach or something. But yeah, we’ll be good friends. He’s like my induction into the department. But it was really amusing when I had a comment from and OL about us as a couple or whatever….no. We’re both taken and just good friends. Nevertheless I had to chuckle. Here I am a lowly freshman apparently snagging a junior. Even though I’m not.

And AS reminds me of someone...I realized tonight at the social who. K, the theatre aquantence who will forever have me tangled up in his web of intrigue. I will always have a thing for him even though he doesn’t particularily like me.. But AS’s face and personality (if he were friendly to me) really remind me of K. Ironic no? Yeah….so, hopefully that will not into evolve into an attraction that would be unwelcome for the both of us.

Our toilet is plugged. That will make my day so much better tomorrow. I have a work study job, yes! I’m excited to work in the scene shop. I still need my ID, turn in my health forms, and my books….not to mention I have to stop by IT and get my passwords. Eh...and my checking account, whenever that happens.

Sleep is good. Hopefully I won’t have another insomniac bought like the last 2 nights.