past, present, future

past: talking to one of my friends from high school on msn. i feel so old and so removed from that place and that group of friends. she hasn't changed, despite life experiences. i wonder if i haven't changed either. we're asking the usual questions, giving the usual responses....online small talk. i know that i can never go back to Elbow Lake.

present: my transfer apps are finished. all i have to do is sit and wait. meanwhile spring break is a week away. time will determine if my break will actually be relaxing. i'm not sure. school is seeming less stressful since my apps are done.

future: in the meantime, its fun to think about where i'll be in the future. i wonder if i'll be excepted everywhere?

fucking acid reflux...grrr

so...i'm back to being allergic to burpee food. a dull and constant ache in my esphogus is not how i want to spend my day. but there is a thunderstorm outside and apparently it's really slippery. such strange february weather in IL. SS told me i was allowed to be lazy since its so terrible out. I was going to write a college app essay, no avail.

i actually have to get moving on all of that. I want all of it done by Mondayish. Not that much time. I still have 3 to write and i have to finish certain portions of my application.

time for sex and the city

essays

what have i learned? in academia, in life, my own identity....i need something great to prove that i'm more than just a piece of paper. i have a personality and its real.

I spent all of my advanced acting class trying to find me. The entire concept of it seems cliche; why should people who present other characters find their personalities? The actor must be honest. For the entire semester I tried to lose my "acting charade" and be real. In a strange way, my acting class mirrored my personal battles that semester.

I had spent 19 years carving out my personality and how I presented it to the world. Everytime I stepped out of the bubble of my small hometown, I would find refuge in the girl seeing the world from her aloof viewpoint. I learned to listen rather than talk. For someone surrounded by people with a more worldly opinions, it seemed the safe thing to do.

I returned to find myself equally removed from my comfortable environment. I formed my identity as the artistic girl. My interests were theatre, art, music, and trying to make myself appear unique in a school full of generic blonde clones. I succeeded.

In college, I found myself returning to the same aloof security. This time I was in the theatre department. I could no longer find my uniqueness in being "the girl that's into theatre". Instead, I let them do the talking. I listened to their outrageous stories and their gossip. I listened to them backstab their friends and bitch about cast lists.

red kimono

after having spent most of my day lounging about watching sex in the city, i seem to emerge from it playfully bored and am lounging around the room in my red kimono bathrobe. it's strangely hot in here....the fan is going and the window is open (it is winter after all, and most likely below freezing...). i wait for AW to finish work. i've packed and that seems to be all i'm capable of for the moment. hell, i'm not even dressed.

i feel like i should be sipping a glass of wine or a cosmo. i'm listening to old jazz standards and thinking i should be wearing diamonds, heels, and drinking alcohol. too much exposure to the life of a thirty-something? but, everything i'm wanting in my life now, or for future, aspires to be that of a thiry-something. god, how i want my own place and the ability to pay for it.

sometimes the "privilege" of being a college student seems to disappear. these are supposed to be the years when one finishes molding their adult identity. i feel like i've taken steps forward only to find i've fallen down a flight of stairs. i feel like i'm a sophomore in high school with only the memory of the journey to remind me that i'm near 20 instead of 16.

have i learned anything from this?

"you go to my head..." last spring break in ny- my rendezvous with K. hey sang that song in radio hour a million years ago. i oddly miss him. he was so lovely to me, much more wonderful that i ever expected. we were never close. i had the feeling if his gf hadn't been there, and if we weren't so....reserved...well, i would have done it. that doesn't mean anything though. i did always have this weird feeling that we were supposed to end up together.

AW- that's a whole new chapter in my life. fall of 2004 was completely different than now. we go from being "good friends" to extremely-serious-maybe-we'll-get-married-in-a-few-years. i'm very happy with him and it surprises me that i can be so happy with him. it seems like only recently have we reached the honeymoon stage....a year and a half, almost 2. my longest relationship, thus far. the only way i can imagine it falling apart is distance and one or both slipping. knowing me, i'd be the likely culprit to do it.

almost an hour to departure time. i better get dressed.

procrastination

the temptation to sleep is quickly overriding my need to study. lesson number one, always get the requirred texts for each class. i'm missing the cd from my world music class- a class that's about expanding one's culture of music-aka, must listen to samples....well....

but i can fake well enough. if nothing else, i may steal someone's cd and burn it before the next test. but, i don't really know anyone in the class.

tomorrow's friday. this semester's end can't come soon enough. i don't even want to go on my spring break trip. i want it to be summer for 3 weeks (Paris!) and then i can go to a different school. everything is just so repetitive here. i'm sick of the monotony.

i'm tempted to scrap all involvement in the arts to just hobbies. no music/theatre/art major for me. i won't put in the time. i'm not an artist, just an artistic personality. i don't have any drive for creativity and perfection in a strange combination.

i need to move on from here. i feel so stuck in ways that i can't escape. time for a new something.

so it seems i've gotten payback

in light of all the shittyness of yesterday....did i write a post about that?

1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face

So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.

is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?

things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.

frustrated with apps....parents....etc

so...after my lovely phone conversation with mom i feel like giving up on this whole process. yes, i know slc is expensive and yes, i'm not confident on getting in. but i still want to try. it just this business of the breakdown and how they think being close to home would actually be good for me. it won't. i need to go away. i've been needing that for a long time.

nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.

i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.

i wish aw were back.

transfering business

it seems as if i've made my decision. Suddenly, I have college app preparation piling up on me. Essays, applications, transcripts, and the like all seem to be looming.

The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR

I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.

Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.

I feel like a lost high school senior again.