did i see something?

i love autumn....these days where it's overcast and slightly gloomy with a chill in the air...days when i don't have anything to worry about save reading a very interesting biography for a paper due mid week. all i have to think about this weekend is that paper and my music-piano, voice, and chords for a show. i have no place to be until 4:30. I'm spending the day alone. but perhaps i need to get out of my room so i'll work....i'm going to the library after i make myself some food. cafeteria food is so horrible on the weekends.

i keep turning over last night in my head. it had been a week since i'd had good quality time with AW. i'd been feeling neglected, but the neglect was understandable. he's been busy so i've been preoccupied. i went out with friends this week. it was more like orientation week before i started rehearsals. but after we come back from the movie, i try as nonchalantly as i can to go back with him to his room. we both knew that as soon as i did that i wouldn't be leaving until the next morning.

he's been deprived, too. i could feel it as we kept pushing further until we came up to the perimeters of sex. we lingered, seriously debating....and if it weren't for a very strong determining factor we would have gone beyond. but i sensed something...there was a time when i did something i looked back and he held my gaze with this look in his eye for 30 seconds. i tried to read it, but i was fairly certain the look wasn't of lust or sexual want. it was sincere. and as well as i know AW it will be awhile before he admits anything like that. if anything, he'd be more like me and try to supress it. supress it because we're not truly labeled. that thought satisfies me. perhaps he's been having those thoughts run through his head. i don't know if that's right...but that thought comforts me.

and there's always his treatment of me the morning after. when he has to get up for work today, as opposed for me getting up for class during the week. as he slides out of the bed he caresses me and kisses my forehead. and as he leaves, he tells me again i can sleep in his bed as long as i want and he'll lock the door behind me. he sits down beside me and softly kisses my mouth, gives me a hug and then another kiss. "have a good sleep, i'll see you when i get back" he's almost out the door when he has this urge to come back for another kiss. this always seems to happen. that moment of goodbye that's extremely heartfelt, followed by one of us leaving and him instigating that last kiss.

i hold on to those moments, because it seems to me that's how he truly feels about me. for some reason he lets his guard down in the morning because the stress of the day is not yet upon him. versus during the day, and possibly even the week, he's so preoccupied with everything. i would be, too. what's going to happen, i wonder? will anything change? will he ever tell me how he really feels? i'm afraid to ask for fear of spoiling what we have. i've already decided he's making first moves. it's safer for me that way. in the meantime, i'm very happy to be over my feelings of neglect

I'm not sure what possessed me to do this....suddenly I had the urge to read A's blog. It made me remorseful and I realized the bad decision I'd made. I'm not regretting making it, just the circumstances surrounding it. I'm feeling slightly empty now....a void grows within me as I'm trying to stay afloat. I keep moving on with my life and putting myself on the backburner. I love everything I'm doing, I truly do....I love college. I just don't love this state of perpetual abuse of self. I deny myself sleep and relaxation so I can keep going.

I feel the need to talk to A. I don't know what I'd say but I don't feel the need to push him away anymore. I don't want what we had before, but I want the friendship. I could tell him anything and he'd listen. I can get that here, too...but I think I'm guarding myself. I'm doing it to the point where it isn't even concious.

This weekend as I was laying in bed with AW....fooling around, both of us turned on and contemplating sex.....we were holding back in our heads while still wanting to proceed.....i realized the feelings I had for him....the potential for love. And as I thought this I so badly wanted to supress it. I can't form these feelings....I don't want to be vulnerable...I can't. Can't I separate these deeper feelings. I need to protect myself. He's been just as busy as I. Maybe this weekend we can have some good conversation, we haven't had that in awhile.

Two days later we were laying side by side....he told me his ex stayed with him the night before. I wanted to know what happened....nothing beyond making out fully clothed....but for some odd reason that hurt worse than when A cheated on me with LK. When A did it, it didn't hurt at all. Whereas AW, I guess I had higher standards for him. He feels bad....and honestly he had every right...but maybe I'm not wrong in the assumption that we treat each other as if we truly are in a relationship. But I asked him if we'd ever end up together- meaning eventually a couple before he graduated- he responded as if there was a good possibility, but in reference to marriage or something beyond college. That has to mean something

In the meantime I'm just trying to get through my homework...back to prep for tomorrow's midterm.