searching for motivation and artistic talent

set design. i'm trying to visualize it. trying to transfer that vision to something good on paper. not my forte. my forte is to look at a picture and copy it, and even then my skills can be a bit rusty. especially with this really awful gum eraser that keeps breaking. but better than a standard number 2 pencil.

feeling odd....i need to do my drawings tonight to make life more bearable. artistic talent...find me. Its funny how I'm using the community theatre stage instead of any that are at college. maybe it's just an easier visualization. this oddly reminds me of Christmas break where I was bored off of my ass and constantly looking for something to do. but at the same time, i was horribly lazy and didn't feel like searching. now, i can't believe i have one more day of vacation. i want an extra. i need more sleep. actually, what i need is just human interaction. i had that today. i guess this is a lesson to me. when i'm finally living on my own, hopefully after college and grad school....i need either a roommate or a pet. or lots of friends close by. hey, that's an idea...i feel like looking at grad schools.

weekend at the dorms

so my first college thanksgiving break consists of a brief trip to AW's house for Thanksgiving and the rest of the time spent at school working on homework and the Regent Player's fundraiser. I actually like this....guilt free time to spend to myself getting my homework done. the only regrets, i wish i had a real piano in my room and that i was in a house by myself instead of a dorm room. but i'm quite happy about the suite accomodations; i've been spending a lot of time in the common room as opposed to my little cubicle.

i enjoyed my brief excursion into wisconsin. i liked AW's family. their thanksgiving festivities reminded me of my own family....just a slight difference in time and a lack of lefse. i wonder what his family thought of me, or rather thought of our friendship. he introduced me as a friend who couldn't get a ride home for thanksgiving. i wonder if they speculated there was something more between us. AW doesn't care and would rather they not know. doesn't matter to me, but its an interesting premise to think about. my own family i'm sure is busy doing whatever. i think mom is still in the cities and dad at home tending to farm stuff. what would i be doing? same thing that i'm doing now, resting and getting my work done. not much difference in plans. just a change of scenery. besides, i only have 2 weeks left here. and only about a week and a half of that will be spent worrying about work. this weekend is fabulous for catching up on work. i'm already done with my collaborative paper. i've made my general notes on the set design and have an idea for a floor plan and color scheme in my head. i think watching tv is deserved while i think about dinner.

almost friday

been bumming around all evening. my orchestral rehearsal was cancelled, much to my dismay. i was in the mood to go out and do something....instead i wander between my room and my friend's across the hall, watch tv, eat...i wanted to see AW, i haven't seen much of him since yesterday morning....but that's just the way things happen to be. instead i hold on to the memory of yesterday morning. besides, it's more time than i was able to spend with him next week.

i'm not good at writing now. i just need to go to sleep. sleep.....sleep...and prepare to do homework over the weekend.

is he still reading?

i don't know if A even reads my other blog anymore. i think he might, which is why i've been writing everything concerning AW in here. perhaps i should continue that tradition.

it's amazing how playing lovers, even for a few minutes, can make one feel as if it's intensified their chemistry. AW and I sang a duet from Fantasticks-the closing ballad, a song of reuniting and profession of true love. we felt it, at least i felt it. and i believe that love to have a certain degree of truth to it. one can only act so well until there's feeling behind it. maybe that's what made him open up to me a bit more. that, or maybe it was because we spent most of the weekend together.

nevertheless, after rehearsal last night- emily is learning chord progression for a show and it's lovely....I ask him to proof my Tennessee Williams paper. He agrees and we go back to his room. I kept telling myself i needed to sleep in my own bed that night- 9 o clock class and AW is obviously preoccupied with the election results and cursing bush and the conservative swing the American citizens have taken. I'm ready to leave, but as we say goodbye it keeps getting longer and longer....a drawn out kiss turns into another followed by multiple hugs....until i think i'm almost going to fall over because i have my laptop in my backpack. he asks if i really must go and i confess it isn't necessary and i was looking for an excuse not to leave. i lay down and fall asleep in his bed while he sits at his desk and watches the election commentary.

I wake up once and realize how uncomfortable i am sleeping in my clothes. i strip to a point and climb back into bed. His arm quickly wraps around me while he's half-asleep. I'm amused by the way he sleeps next to me, as if he's become so used to me being beside him.....i'm like a stuffed animal or something to him. as i drift back into slumber, i feel his warm body behind mine....like a protective shield. somehow, i begin to sense this is starting to mean more. i wake up once or twice in anticipation of the alarm. AW often mumbles incoherantly and moves his arm lovingly across my shoulders, back, and around my waist. i think he even kisses the back of my neck multiple times in his sleep.

dawn breaks and the alarm reminds me of the obligations i have ahead. i roll over to snuggle against his comfortable body. i bury my head down in his chest with my left ear towards his face. he whispers," you're beautiful, you know that?" i've never heard that kind of compliment from him before. sure, i've been told how sexually desirable i am for him and my intellect praised. but beautiful- and the light, honest, serious tone in which he spoke seemed to slightly indicate "i'm totally falling for you....slowly, but it's happening and i'm starting to acknowledge it"
he embraces me...and eventually i roll out of bed. as we're about to part he says, "i'm glad you decided to stay last night." this time as i leave i see that same look i caught Friday night. that look-the realization of how close we've become....maybe he is falling...and perhaps i am, too

i'm far too afraid to truly admit it....he has to say so first. but i feel much more sure of this than i have previous. i was seeing so little of him...i was afraid of him being forced to spend so much time with C-bad psuedo jealousy.....but he's actually quite annoyed with her personality. now i'll be around for fields of academia rehearsals....

time to play piano for an hour before i go back to my room and sleep.
i thought it could happen, and maybe it is.