Pre-writing

As usual, putting off large assignments into blocks of a single day. Today is spent on the couch in my pjs with a laptop. Ah, academic writing.

Ironically, I'm somewhat in the mood for this. I guess it stems from my feelings of nostalgia. I saw everyone last night. I need that grounding; it always gives me so much hope to know that my readjustment isn't unique. I miss the experience, though I know I can't capture it again. Going back will shift me as it has already. Previous France will be a period of adolescence. I will not blindly taste, see, and stumble as I did before. The mistakes and fumblings will be older, more serious, more consequential. My regrets will be deeper, but my choices smarter.

I'm searching for something. I keep coming back to certain people to be loved. I do it to find the reflection of myself in them; its as if I don't know me unless some tells me my own personality. Is this running into other's arms good? I will (and have) hurt someone with my lack of attachment or my need for too much of it. I bring it back to being and only and being self-centered and selfish. My need for attention drives my searching behavior- is this ever a valid excuse? I get away with it (or do I) because I'm vulnerable, but not until I've caused pain by excluding, including, running away and not needing someone.

I miss them- everyone. A,A, J, J, D, M, C, R, L, M, D, M, C, A, S, M, C, S

Ils me manquent. Tous.