motivation?....where are you?

the last day of thanksgiving break. i don't think i've hardly moved in three days....glorious, yet the last 2 weeks of classes loom ahead....performance monday, auditions tuesday, lab test thursday, french oral exam friday, dance recital thursday or friday, juries saturday, vocal collective gigs saturday, concert sunday.........

meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.

what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.

ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.

but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.

a severed wasp

[A wasp] was sucking jam on my plate and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam trickled from his esophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him.

-George Orwell, Collected Essays

couch

i've spent nearly the entire day on the couch. wonderful, yet disgusting at the same time. i've never been so relaxed or lazy all semester.

next semester will be better.....

in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.

in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.

2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.

AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?

maybe i should go back to writing everyday.

maybe i should do a lot of things.....

maybe............