musings

i've been going stir-crazy in my room for the past couple of hours. i'm wanting to venture out or at least find a bit of conversation, but it's already 11 and AW didn't answer his phone. i'm debating whether or not to be persistent about it. E feels like being independent and doing some self-analysis.

so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.

so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.

identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.

I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.

Confused, or perhaps I just broke out of it

Pondering again, never a good sign. And of course, the subject is always the same....AW.

Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.

Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.

Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?

I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.

late night rehearsal, again

so, i'm stuck here for the second act because we're blocking the curtain call. here i sit at 1 o clock in the morning, i could be getting some sleep right now. but hey, it could be much, much worse. i had my huge stuperstious fuck up, so I'm ok now. The show will be fine tomorrow

A talked to me online today while I was trying to write my e-mail for acting class. it surprised me how the conversation was refreshing instead of forced. i think we could truly be good friends now, and i'm not just saying that. i still think he loves me, but it's diminished to a respect love instead of romantic. that is something very good that i can deal with. maybe i will see him once or twice when i come home this summer. wait, he'll be at basic...i'll write.

Because of my hectic schedule, I've spent very little time AW this week- save occassional meals and classes. The lack of attention made me somewhat unhappy. But I guess it keeps irking me that he keeps bringing up AC, a girl he's going to cast in his show. Granted, she's absolutely perfect for the part, gorgeous, etc. He just keeps joking about it like she's his new obsession. I play along, of course. How could I not? But it just annoys me that I seem to be hearing about her constantly for the last 2 days. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But then he brings up the fact that LU has a huge crush on me. Something very apparent in AW's eyes....I'm rather ignorant about that sort of thing. I can hardly supress a smile (good thing his back was to me). So I guess the 2 of us are unconciously getting back at each other.

My fatigue is setting in. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'll probably go to sleep after finishing this post. Damn show, I'll be so happy when its over on Saturday.