out of sorts

things have been swimming in my head for several days. feelings of negativity, uncertainty, and restlessness. i want something to happen, yet at the same time i want to slow down. these things need elaboration....in a random numerical order

1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.

2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.

3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.

4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.

now, will i have the guts to go through with it?

Unsure

What has become of me? I've been longing to be back...and granted I'm happy that I'm here. But I've suddenly become questioning everything surrounding me; making unnescessary comparisons of myself, second-guessing my social demeanor, my so-called talent, all of this personal bullshit that i shouldn't be stressing in the first place. I've painted myself into a corner and I'm caught between trying to determine if this is what I really want and if I should try to get out of it. I like being separated, but at the same time I think I shouldn't be. I keep slowly trying to pick AW's brain about us, he senses it. Why I can't just be satisfied with how things are, I don't know. Why do I have to know if he cares about me and how much? Why do I have to know what he thinks of me or how he finds me attractive? Am I that insecure that I have to keep searching for reassurance? But at the same time, as I spouted off stories that angered me in high school, he told me I'd never been that angry/ annoyed around him. Somehow that caught me off guard. If I haven't been that way around him, who have I been telling my problems to? No one. I'm treating this like a relationship, I'm afraid of opening up for fear of being kicked to the curb....a fear that doesn't even seem to be feasible in this case.

I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.

Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.

But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.

late, but not really

for some reason the house has the air of making it appear after midnight, when in reality it is not yet 9:30....so early. man, how long ago was it when i would just be preparing to do something...when i would fall into my bed at 2, 3 in the morning. i have no stamina for that right now. i'm like an old person, or an infant. i miss college.

and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.

one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.