thinking, good...plans, bad?

so...this is what happens when i've suddenly regained energy after a day of being sleepy. apparently going to bed at midnight (not bad) and rising at 7:00 to finish studying leaves me tired for the day but awake after not having class for 3 hours. How I love being one of those people that's more awake after 10 pm.

I finally bought my plane ticket to Paris.

I may be getting a real job this summer...for 2 months. Let's see if I can swing this. My summer: 1. Paris 2. work/EC in Fresno/college visits??? Then again, I could use a relaxing summer. I didn't have that last year.

I miss AW. This is the week he is decidedly absent. Twice in the past 5 days DJ and I asked the inevitable question-

"Is he still alive?"

We've been leaving him random notes and missing posters. I enjoy spontaneity like that.

On the plus side (for me) he has been officially rejected from Roosevelt's grad school program. It brings him one step closer to following me through finishing his undergrad business degree. If I go to Portland, he goes...Minneapolis, same. But he and I prefer Portland. I've ruled out NY in the back of my head. One, it doesn't appeal as much. Two, it is probably a long shot. My grades aren't that good. I despise this not knowing. I half know....and it drives me crazy. At least I'm sure I'm not coming back to good ol' RC.

Newfound irony: it wouldn't break me up if I became a modified version of my parents. This prospect used to bother me for a number of years up until.....2006. Last night he spoke of trying URTA's after a year. That thought made me really selfish because I thought he would stay wherever until I graduated. That's looking at about 3 years. Perhaps he'll move when I go abroad for a semester and that would make the transition easier. Off topic, oops- anywho, I'm ok with him waiting and us staying together going wherever we need to go career-wise. The other makes it work in whatever city. Eventually we'd figure out if we still want to get married or not.

(It seems I've figured out a different kind of 5 year plan. Is this bad??)

Yesss????

My life should not be about 5 year plans. I'd rather think in broad possibilities about my future. If I can't be sure about majors and careers, let's turn to my current relationship evolving from something serious to major life commitment. Good idea? Maybe not when I'm not even 20. I do cringe everytime I hear another classmate of mine is engaged/married/pregnant. I'm still very young.

So...plans? Short term is ok (after all, I do have to figure out my summer and my next school). But I still have until the end of this semester to have a general plan.

In the meantime....

this is me

i find myself not moving forward, except in very small baby steps. 6 weeks of school are left and within this time i feel as if i'm moving through the motions. i expect that is a similar feeling among all. i want to be finished, despite the uncertainty of summer post-Paris.

i was looking at potential summer school classes. nothing fits because i'm gone the entire month of june. i found Middlebury, which intreged me. I might do that next summer, French most likely.

I miss exploring. i miss my close friends. i miss growing. i wonder if staying in one place for 18 years make me feel like i should constantly move now that i'm older. leaving after 2 years....i feel that i need a fresh start. i liked being a freshman, just so i could find how life could work in a different place.

ironically, i've been improving on the subjects that interest me. i've had some good moments in French or with SH. I like that. I'm going to miss her. But I like that she understands my decision the best. Voice lessons have been ironically good. I'm not sure if its the level of study I've achieved or the lack of stress. Another good lesson and all that happened was me practicing for an hour last night and something clicking in my head today.

Things that make me happy right now:

1. Doing well on homework
2. Having nearly free weekends
3. Watching good movies
4. Listening to French radio
5. Having free evenings
6. Good voice lessons
7. Understanding more in my French class
8. Conversations with SH
9. Bleu, Blanc, Rouge
10. Knowing that I'm not goint to be here next year
11. Sleeping in on Tuesday and Thursday
12. Going to bed early
13. Paris at the end of the semester
14. Loving moments with AW
15. EC
16. Being independent
17. De-cluttering my room
18. Making random signs/letters with DJ
19. Knowing that the semester's more than half over
20. Probably being very close to a 4.0

aujourd'hui

i'm in one of those weird moods of non-boredum, but little motivation. i'm dilgently moving through my homework, but it's not sticking. it doesn't need to....i don't have anything due for tomorrow, save practicing songs for voice lessons. as of yet i still have to review French because there were parts on the last test that didn't quite solidify

tell me, why is it that when i try to listen to a French radio station, 50% of the songs are in english and i know them?....currently playing- "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by some pop group of the late 90's. I remember that song's popularity when I was in late elementary school.

EC wants me to visit her in Fresno this summer. I'd really like to, but unfortunatly I'm afraid of being held whim to the financial restraints of my Paris trip. Instead, I think if I left at least a month or more between vacations I'd be ok. I'd love a long weekend/ almost a week with her. This summer will be slightly dull, since I don't have anything besides my Paris trip.

tired

notes and notes for my powerpoint presentation/ 10 minute talk on impressionism. my hand is very tired, but i believe i'm done with research and just have to set up my organization and powerpoint. I have all day tomorrow and a good portion of wednesday to make this happen. i think i'm on track. i'm actually really excited about it.

my last 2 application parts were faxed to Sarah Lawrence today. I'm very happy those are taken care of. i won't hear from them until the end of april. that will make for either very happy news or news i can easily brush off.

i was talking to SH about transferring....rather she was asking me how i felt about it. i guess its real to me, but not. i feel like i have to move on, but i may wonder if i've made the right decision. i'm fairly negative about this place, but i still have things that i like about it. i still like the academic environment.

i just wonder how many of my choices will pull through. will the wait list of lewis and clark be symbolic of macalester and sarah lawrence?

friday, thank god

end of the week...still many things to do this weekend, but at least i don't have classes. i'm a bit worried about my 10 minute powerpoint presentation on wednesday- no research yet, just a topic. there's also this play i'm doing again on sunday and i have to rememorize lines and blocking....yay.

mostly, i'm just happy i have some spare time. i'm still a bit worried about college apps. yes, i've already had acceptances from 2 schools, but they're my safety schools. i really really want to go to lewis and clark...mostly because of location and their chinese program on top of everything else that i want. and they're on the cheaper side. my missing application parts for the other 2 have just frazzled me this week. i'm betting i really won't get in to the others, and i haven't even completely sent my application yet.

i looked at the course descriptions for rockford today to see if there was anything that interested me. fren 203, a cool french revolution class with Dr. S (my favorite). i could take advanced rhetoric and get that out of the way...otherwise i'd probably finish some gen eds and decide what to major in. they're offering thai chi for an activity credit....i'd love to take that class. i'm just considering my options. if i stayed i'd have to move off campus, which creates an extra set of problems. who would i live with and where? issue of car and insurance? would i need an extra job to pay my bills? most likely i would transfer....

at this moment augsburg is my top choice. it would be even cooler if EC came with me....but she is accepted into the London program and is considering her options for staying. but if all goes well for me and lewis and clark i probably wouldn't go to augsburg. but at least i'd be in an urban area and nearby to R and culture and not too far or to close to home. i'd probably have a car....or the option of one for coming home.

but bottom line, i'm tired of school right now. i'm not sure what i'll do this summer after paris besides my research project....maybe i'll finally work....perhaps i need to bum around for the summer to get excited about college again. next semester i'm taking a reasonable course load. 16 credits or something, especially if they're all gen eds.

today and last week

after spring break...good and bad. i had another moment of sobbing and not wanting to go. the reasons became clear to me later in the week. My aunt M died. She died the night when I was upset, and on sunday no one knew yet that she was dead. I believe she reached out to me and I didn't know how to deal with it.

I flew home for the funeral. I've been back since monday.

Today i'm feeling really sick. My acid reflux seems pretty consistant. If it is related to stress than its triggered by the awful food at burpee....at least that's my logic. AW says I should go to Lang tomorrow and ask about which hospitial I should go....i have insurance through the school. I spent all afternoon sleeping instead of working. I have a large French test tomorrow and I have to work a forum tonight.

I keep wondering if something more serious is wrong with me. Maybe with all of the digestive health problems in my family...have i gotten something, too.

I have to be downstairs in a few minutes. Lets see if i have the stamina to get through tonight and the rest of the week,

florida?

It's been a particularily stressful week. Midterms, yes, but I only had two and they weren't very taxing. Instead, I had a grant proposal and lots of work for TA and Vocal Collective. 10 hours is entirely too much for someone who only works 8ish. Plus, I'd missed many meals this week...another this that seems to trigger bad moods.

Last night, I saw AW's sister in Grease. High school musical, etc etc. She played Rizzo and did a fabulous job. Perhaps a future in it? Anywho...it just seemed to....upset me. I'm not sure why. Maybe something to do with me completely severing myself from theatre. I seem to think complete deprivation would be the best way to heal from my bad experience. I realized it was too painful to be even going to see shows. I guess what really made it hurt is seeing myself 2-3 eariler and being happy and passionate. I found my drive in theatre....but it doesn't exist anymore. I had a weird vision of going to my next school and auditioning for something, perhaps getting a good part. Now, I'm not sure if I can even do that.

I think me being around it sometimes is just too painful. But, theatre is such a large of part of the people who are close to me. AW is going to grad school for theatre. My parents run my hometown community theatre. They both act, direct, build, design, produce.... I can't get away from it.

I lost it while I was at AW's last night. I left because I was crying and decided to come downstairs to seek comfort. Bad idea. I just got into a fight with AW because he just asked me to explain why I was crying. I can never explain to the point of his approval in those situations. He kept asking me why and I could only tell him why in general statements. He got really pissed at me when I started surmizing about mental illness. I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep.

I didn't want to go to Florida with Vocal Collective. I kept thinking how easy it would be if I could go to O Hare and get on a plane to Fargo instead. My parents would pick me up. They'd be happy, but sad. Every sign that I'm not functioning properly makes them more concerned and less likely to let me go away next year.

At that point I would have said, "Fine, I'll go to school in Minnesota. I'll even apply to Concordia for you. I won't consider acceptances from Lewis & Clark or Sarah Lawrence. I just want to come home."

I still want to do that. I felt better initially this morning. I'm all alone in AW's house. I kept myself busy by getting ready and rearranging my suitcase. Now, I have nothing to do but dwell on last night's feelings. Thinking about it again, I realized I don't want to go.

AW told me last night- If I don't go to Florida, consider myself out of the Vocal Collective and losing 3000 dollars of scholarship money. It's only the money that's tying me to stay in the group. I don't like it. If it wasn't scholarship choir, I wouldn't have been in it this semester. Plus, my job. I really do like my job, but I wish I could be annoynomus in it. I don't want to be in every choir to get a better handle on things.

I'll probably end up going. I may end up calling my parents just to get thorugh the trip. But there are tears in my eyes as I'm typing so maybe I won't function so well. Maybe I should bring Kleenex with me. This reminds me of when I was flying back to Rockford. I cried a lot the night before and the morning I was flying. I don't want to go to Florida.

I don't want to go.

Restless and lazy

After a rather long week, here I sit watching Donnie Darko. I have miscellanous personal things to do, but I'm not inclined to move. I've spent my open day working...VC, French class grant proposal, etc.

I was talking to EC today. She's very happy to be going home to California for break- her life has been really shitty the past month. She's had it much, much worse than I have. All the same, I envy her for going home. I'm not really wanting to go to Florida; it won't be a vacation for me. This choir tour will be in the middle of MASLC and my high school trip. I'm thinking it will be more like the later, something I'm not looking forward to. I only wish I were going home because I don't want to be with the people in VC for a week. I don't want to perform. I just want to relax.

And I'm afraid of sunburns.

Tomorrow:
no 9:00 class, I love MD
theory...grrr
11:00 mtg for French grant
choir....bleh
French!
Work? most likely....i'm already over my quota for the week...no rest
VC rehearsal
bank/ shoe shopping
VC concert
Leave for Wisconsin with AW?

I'm very tired.