for some reason whenever i write in here i feel more free, like i'm not putting up a front for anyone. that is highly unlikely, save A. i guess i just feel the need to protect him, and from what i gather he does the same for me. we're just 2 vunerable people trying not to get hurt but clinging to each other in the process. but at the same time, do we completely spill everything because we have this label? we haven't known each other deeply for a long time...3 months.

last night in my car as i brought up the topic concerning our relationship while i'm at college...i guess it just scared me that he seemed so sure of our commitment. i want to be unattached when i'm at college. i want to be free to meet new guys and maybe have relationships with them...or at least be able to flirt or go a bit farther and not feel guilty. i wouldn't cheat but the temptation would be enough to make me be guilty.

yet, adric talks of marriage and of still being here for me when i come back for christmas and spring break. i feel the need to separate from everything and leave my small hometown as a separate world that will function on its own and i'm simply not a direct part of it anymore. i've wanted this for a long time...i've mentioned it before in my other blog, the need to sever ties. i won't destroy them, but i need to leave.

but i keep running into this issue about me....i'm afraid of commitment and greatly value my independence, sometimes too much. what i like about the people who are constant fixtures in my life is i can go off and do my own thing but when i need/want someone around they'll be there for me-for the superifical or for the larger issues. my parents, my friends are perfect examples.

but i've decided that decision is best left until august...right before i leave. in the meantime, i'll just enjoy what i have because A makes me really happy.