I'm not sure what possessed me to do this....suddenly I had the urge to read A's blog. It made me remorseful and I realized the bad decision I'd made. I'm not regretting making it, just the circumstances surrounding it. I'm feeling slightly empty now....a void grows within me as I'm trying to stay afloat. I keep moving on with my life and putting myself on the backburner. I love everything I'm doing, I truly do....I love college. I just don't love this state of perpetual abuse of self. I deny myself sleep and relaxation so I can keep going.

I feel the need to talk to A. I don't know what I'd say but I don't feel the need to push him away anymore. I don't want what we had before, but I want the friendship. I could tell him anything and he'd listen. I can get that here, too...but I think I'm guarding myself. I'm doing it to the point where it isn't even concious.

This weekend as I was laying in bed with AW....fooling around, both of us turned on and contemplating sex.....we were holding back in our heads while still wanting to proceed.....i realized the feelings I had for him....the potential for love. And as I thought this I so badly wanted to supress it. I can't form these feelings....I don't want to be vulnerable...I can't. Can't I separate these deeper feelings. I need to protect myself. He's been just as busy as I. Maybe this weekend we can have some good conversation, we haven't had that in awhile.

Two days later we were laying side by side....he told me his ex stayed with him the night before. I wanted to know what happened....nothing beyond making out fully clothed....but for some odd reason that hurt worse than when A cheated on me with LK. When A did it, it didn't hurt at all. Whereas AW, I guess I had higher standards for him. He feels bad....and honestly he had every right...but maybe I'm not wrong in the assumption that we treat each other as if we truly are in a relationship. But I asked him if we'd ever end up together- meaning eventually a couple before he graduated- he responded as if there was a good possibility, but in reference to marriage or something beyond college. That has to mean something

In the meantime I'm just trying to get through my homework...back to prep for tomorrow's midterm.