red kimono

after having spent most of my day lounging about watching sex in the city, i seem to emerge from it playfully bored and am lounging around the room in my red kimono bathrobe. it's strangely hot in here....the fan is going and the window is open (it is winter after all, and most likely below freezing...). i wait for AW to finish work. i've packed and that seems to be all i'm capable of for the moment. hell, i'm not even dressed.

i feel like i should be sipping a glass of wine or a cosmo. i'm listening to old jazz standards and thinking i should be wearing diamonds, heels, and drinking alcohol. too much exposure to the life of a thirty-something? but, everything i'm wanting in my life now, or for future, aspires to be that of a thiry-something. god, how i want my own place and the ability to pay for it.

sometimes the "privilege" of being a college student seems to disappear. these are supposed to be the years when one finishes molding their adult identity. i feel like i've taken steps forward only to find i've fallen down a flight of stairs. i feel like i'm a sophomore in high school with only the memory of the journey to remind me that i'm near 20 instead of 16.

have i learned anything from this?

"you go to my head..." last spring break in ny- my rendezvous with K. hey sang that song in radio hour a million years ago. i oddly miss him. he was so lovely to me, much more wonderful that i ever expected. we were never close. i had the feeling if his gf hadn't been there, and if we weren't so....reserved...well, i would have done it. that doesn't mean anything though. i did always have this weird feeling that we were supposed to end up together.

AW- that's a whole new chapter in my life. fall of 2004 was completely different than now. we go from being "good friends" to extremely-serious-maybe-we'll-get-married-in-a-few-years. i'm very happy with him and it surprises me that i can be so happy with him. it seems like only recently have we reached the honeymoon stage....a year and a half, almost 2. my longest relationship, thus far. the only way i can imagine it falling apart is distance and one or both slipping. knowing me, i'd be the likely culprit to do it.

almost an hour to departure time. i better get dressed.