florida?

It's been a particularily stressful week. Midterms, yes, but I only had two and they weren't very taxing. Instead, I had a grant proposal and lots of work for TA and Vocal Collective. 10 hours is entirely too much for someone who only works 8ish. Plus, I'd missed many meals this week...another this that seems to trigger bad moods.

Last night, I saw AW's sister in Grease. High school musical, etc etc. She played Rizzo and did a fabulous job. Perhaps a future in it? Anywho...it just seemed to....upset me. I'm not sure why. Maybe something to do with me completely severing myself from theatre. I seem to think complete deprivation would be the best way to heal from my bad experience. I realized it was too painful to be even going to see shows. I guess what really made it hurt is seeing myself 2-3 eariler and being happy and passionate. I found my drive in theatre....but it doesn't exist anymore. I had a weird vision of going to my next school and auditioning for something, perhaps getting a good part. Now, I'm not sure if I can even do that.

I think me being around it sometimes is just too painful. But, theatre is such a large of part of the people who are close to me. AW is going to grad school for theatre. My parents run my hometown community theatre. They both act, direct, build, design, produce.... I can't get away from it.

I lost it while I was at AW's last night. I left because I was crying and decided to come downstairs to seek comfort. Bad idea. I just got into a fight with AW because he just asked me to explain why I was crying. I can never explain to the point of his approval in those situations. He kept asking me why and I could only tell him why in general statements. He got really pissed at me when I started surmizing about mental illness. I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep.

I didn't want to go to Florida with Vocal Collective. I kept thinking how easy it would be if I could go to O Hare and get on a plane to Fargo instead. My parents would pick me up. They'd be happy, but sad. Every sign that I'm not functioning properly makes them more concerned and less likely to let me go away next year.

At that point I would have said, "Fine, I'll go to school in Minnesota. I'll even apply to Concordia for you. I won't consider acceptances from Lewis & Clark or Sarah Lawrence. I just want to come home."

I still want to do that. I felt better initially this morning. I'm all alone in AW's house. I kept myself busy by getting ready and rearranging my suitcase. Now, I have nothing to do but dwell on last night's feelings. Thinking about it again, I realized I don't want to go.

AW told me last night- If I don't go to Florida, consider myself out of the Vocal Collective and losing 3000 dollars of scholarship money. It's only the money that's tying me to stay in the group. I don't like it. If it wasn't scholarship choir, I wouldn't have been in it this semester. Plus, my job. I really do like my job, but I wish I could be annoynomus in it. I don't want to be in every choir to get a better handle on things.

I'll probably end up going. I may end up calling my parents just to get thorugh the trip. But there are tears in my eyes as I'm typing so maybe I won't function so well. Maybe I should bring Kleenex with me. This reminds me of when I was flying back to Rockford. I cried a lot the night before and the morning I was flying. I don't want to go to Florida.

I don't want to go.