i started this based on S's advice: get a new blog if you feel you can't spill yourself. for that is a blog's purpose. i guess i made that mistake when i gave my address to A, my current bf. suddenly i have thoughts running through my head i don't want him reading. i'm doing this to protect him, but mostly myself.

let me start at the beginning: A and i have been together officially 2 months yesterday. things started out wonderfully, but then as i got to know him i became more aware of his negative qualities. A came off a year and a half relationship with a friend of mine, LK. she broke it off and so far A has not gotten over her, despite it being 4 months and 2 girls later. he throws himself into fits of depression and tries to manipulate LK and I into feeling sorry for him, threatening suicide and such. last week he did this to LK thursday and saturday....he did this to me saturday. i talked to him on the phone because it was the only thing i knew to do. afterwards i told mom about it, because i knew it was too big for me to handle on my own. she made me realize A is manipulating the 2 of us, and confessed she percieved him as being really needy. A and I are different. i have a really good family and support system, he comes off as not having that. his parents are split and he had a rough childhood. i guess he dramatizes it into being more than it could be. but there again, i don't know A that well.

from there on i decide i have to break it off with A because i can't be manipulated like this and his not being over LK will only get worse with me being there. my only problem: prom, which is this week and i have to go with him because of arrangement and that stuff. so i'm bidding my time...

except i have these moments of the way things used to be. i still love him, or at least care about him...and he says he loves me and i believe it. things could probably be better if he were over LK, but from what Lk has told me his manipulation will never change. so i'm hoping prom will go well. i feel awful holding on to this until after prom, because i promised i won't string him along. but the truth is I am going back and forth on this issue. at the moment i wouldn't do it. i have to see how things are after prom. i don't like to think about it, frankly. but it is a strain of guilt that's laying on me. i just want to give him a second chance and forget about it so i can ignore this guilt. i want it to go away, and i'm going to try to avoid LK to not have A go into one of his depressed moments....god, why am i doing this? but i'm determined to have fun. and he's looking forward to it, save one aspect....

yes, this is what that nagging feeling in my mind was telling me. now i have something to satisfy when i have this urge to be on my own again. i want to be single. looking at me and my track record, maybe i'm just not meant to have a long-term relationship. my longest is 3 months, which was 2 years ago. right now i'd settle for a random makeout session