when one is in a relationship, do they compromise their identity? i'm beginning to think i have. i'm starting to hide things, my true feelings, from A- the reason for this blog. i cam so close to breaking it off with him. i wanted to, i wanted him to go away so i'd never be bothered. if he was going to kill himself, it wouldn't be my problem to worry about because dammit i don't need this. but something happened, he pleaded with me and told me that i was the one who's helping him through this by just being there and i'm selfish if he can't have someone to hug him while he's going through a difficult period and he didn't want to lose me. he promised to find ways to get better and to have and use a larger support system. and suddenly i didn't want to break up with him anymore. i believe him when he says he will get better. and i do want to be there for him, even if i don't know how.

so the relationship is renewed, but i'm wondering if i made the right decision. am i lying to myself? why can't i just be selfish and be self absorbed in my own life? why i can't i just finish high school, work this summer, and go off go college? maybe i'm not meant to be anyone's girlfriend. maybe the concept is too much for me too grasp, maybe i go above and beyond, maybe i pick the wrong guy. its good for awhile then things turn sour. i'm currently hopeful right now and i don't want to abandon him. but is this just going to be an awful cycle? are we right for each other?

when A was being a self-absorbed depressed asshole at prom and i was on the brink of breaking up with him and taking him home....i ended up dancing with B, who happened to be LK's prom date. B was so nice to me. both he and C, LK's best friend asked my why I was still with A and advised me to get out of it. B was telling me men are pigs and i should avoid them entirely. He told me I could do better than A, so why am I doing this to myself? He genuinely cared, even though i hardly know him. and then after we finished group slow dancing a second time we stayed out there fast dancing for a bit. god, that was the best part of the dance, to have people sympathize with me.

god, i don't know anymore. my mind keeps swinging, should i or shouldn't i? i don't know...i have no fucking clue. i need to see how this goes, if things get better....i think and hope they will get better. i was really enjoying being around A at post prom and before and after the almost breakup. he told me he had a moment of that with LK at about the same time in their relationship.

S, if you're reading....i need to know about how i am as a person. do i care about people? i just need an opinion, a reminder about how i come off towards people.

why am i suddenly almost crying? i can't explain my emotions....