a few precious minutes before my next class and i decide to say screw homework and blog. i'm in one of those contemplative moods today...aloof and unsure.....and i think i fall into the aloofness because i don't know a better way to be without being embarassed....those times when you don't have anything to say and feel dumb about it, even though having something to say wouldn't matter anyway.

i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.

i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.