Maybe I'll have to transfer everything into here now. A said he still reads my other blog and I know it pains him to hear about AW. So for the sake of my own sanity I might just abandon the other blog. I so badly want to sever ties with him. To separate would be the best, he's continually reaching out and I'm trying to push him away with out being cruel. It isn't working. He already thinks I'm a cruel and insensitive bitch. Maybe I am, but let me be. I don't care anymore and I'm tired of his manipulative bullshit he keeps pulling on me. It's better for us to be separated. Yes, maybe we can be friends one day.....one day far from now once he's moved past his pain and isn't in love with me anymore.

AW is in a similar situation. He feels the need to put life on hold so he can sort himself out. I don't blame him, he's overloaded and it's slowly wearing him down. I seem to be his confidante, which I like. I've been somewhat reassured that I'm not just here for his amusement. He's actually holding back because he's sensible. He knows he doesn't have the time to devote a relationship and believes I don't either, which is true. It would be completely out of character for me to jump from one to another. But I asked him last night in a game of truth or dare where how he viewed me and where he saw this going. Basically, he replied we'd continue to get to know each other and have fun with this. We don't want to be all mopey when we have to split for the summer. Both of us will be working and most likely in our home states. But he told me he wasn't planning on pursuing any other girls.

We have an interesting relationship. Both of us continually hold back in one way or another. I think he's trying to keep his feelings for me at surface level for sanity purposes. I'm trying to do the same thing. Both of us are extremely attracted to one another and have on multiple occasions were fighting back the urge for sex. I don't know how intimate I want to be with him if we're not officially labeled, but we practically are anyways. I was at dinner and J was asking me about homecoming and if I were going with anyone. I said AW if I could twist his arm...both M and S replied I'd have no trouble. They all probably know AW and I are make out buddies. It's actually a good stress reliever. And in multiple ways because we tend to vent to one another.

I keep envisioning my parents....they met when Mom was a freshman in college. Hmm? Wishful thinking, definetly. He'll be here 2 years and then off to grad school. I'll be here 4 and am also thinking about grad school...or trying to find work in the business. But its just a foolish notion....he even fits my choir theory.