breakdown

i don't know what it is with me. something made me collapse last night....or that's how i can best categorize it. i was annoyed because the line learning wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. I didn't know the part we went over in rehearsal because I hadn't gotten to it yet. That settled me into a mood....a will to be withdrawn, as if by withdrawing I could discover what I needed to about my character to take it past a mediocre performance. because that's precisely what this part was turning into, a mediocre performance. i've had nothing but mediocre performances since i've been here. i feel like i'm not progressing at all....on any front.

i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.

maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.

maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.