"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"

monday, 6:45 pm

i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.

I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.

As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.

I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.

Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.

revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.