Easter

Today has plumeted me into a very melancholy state. I was fine. I went to AW's for the weekend; it's been the same as any other short-term holiday. I was helping with the music for church, some piano solos and a singing duet-thing with AW for prelude.

I'm not sure why...G was singing "Climb every mountain" from Sound of Music; I looked across the sanctuary and saw this old man holding his hand to his face. My interpretation was that he was crying...he could have been holding his head for a moment. I lost it and couldn't hold my composure after that. I was wiping my eyes throughout the service and couldn't even sing hymns. I was thankfully able to make it through my piano postlude. I ran out and got a supply of Kleenex and headed outside. I stood there sobbing and debating what I should do to tell AW where I was.

It was M. It had to be. It's hardly been a month and I haven't been in a church since her funeral. The family was trying to have some semblance of a holiday- the first one without her. I wasn't there. I was in Wisconsin. I haven't been to a Thanksgiving or Easter with my family for 2 years. Plus I was at AW's house the night she died. I spent a large portion of my time sobbing for no reason in his bed because I didn't conciously know she was gone. I kept thinking, "I hope this isn't some godforsaken 6th sense of death."

I sobbed for most of the afternoon. We were supposed to go to AW's uncle's after church. I couldn't go. I couldn't hold my composure and presuaded him to let me stay and rest. I sobbed for quite some time. I kept getting the feeling something was wrong, but it made no sense to me.

I wanted to be with my Dad, because he would understand best. He took M's death especially hard. Mom was upset, just like everyone else...but M was Dad's sister. Our bond to her was closer than Mom's and it shook us more.

Even writing this, my tears come back.

There can't be anything wrong. I've been having episodes like this all semester. Only once has it been for a legitimate reason. But these situation seem much more similar.

Am I still grieving?