Other life paths

Every once in awhile, I stop and think about the decisions I've made. If I hadn't turned my back on theatre, this would be my last semester. I'd have taken my head shots, be auditioning at cattle-calls, working on my senior seminar. I'd have had one semester of French, for a gen ed requirement, and possibly gone to London for a semester in 2006. I would not be in France and all of this would not be happening. Would I have been able to work through the pain that theatre caused, or would have given up much later in the game? At any rate, it's so strange to think about.

I find myself looking towards going back to the States. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I've changed so much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if I've changed in positive ways and I don't know how I see myself anymore. I feel like I've become manipulative- though I've had friends tell me I haven't. I see that I direct attention to get what I want, I'm extremely egotistical...so leaving theatre did nothing to fill that void. I need to be loved and adored and I feel like I manipulate that.

I don't like these things about myself, but I don't know what to do to change it. So I've hid this week, because going out is expensive and I'm constantly tired. But I hid from making decisions. I made some, but haven't completely followed through on execution. I still want to hide, but even more I want to travel, which I can't do until Easter weekend. Need to go...