torn and confused

I think I can't make the half-hearted commitment. For the year that AW and I were together, we called ourselves "good friends" and didn't do the girlfriend/boyfriend labels. At the time I thought it was perfect, but as the year went on and the defining aspect kept getting in the way....the entire situation hurt and messed with my head. AW later admitted that we never should have done that. It turned into serious right away, we just wanted to give the other the option of not completely committing, having just gotten out of long-term relationships.

So JS and I have slightly spent more time together this week- mostly along the lines of sex, which is good and bad. I don't want this to become another relationship that revolves around sex, and I told him that. He agreed he didn't want it either. We had a conversation about it and I was fine with the arrangement. Now, I feel like things have changed.

Last night I was trying to go out and failing. He was going to a party for a friend's friend. I asked about pre-gaming, just because I wanted to go out before 11. He made the comment about how it wouldn't be too discrete (our arrangement). I bitingly replied that there's a difference between discretion and secrecy. I felt bad, but it was how I felt. We'll talk about it.

I see how he is around me. I see his smiles and looks of adoration and care. I see his happiness when we're together. I feel our physical chemistry. I know we had talked about being discrete because of being in a small, gossipy program- but I am not his mistress. Maybe we've reached another level and we're too scared to move forward. I think we're good together; he's unlike other guys I've dated. I'm forever attracted to artistic-types. His personality somewhat reminds me of AW, sans the music/theatre/writing thing.

Maybe I'm ready for the commitment I can't have.