annoyed little comment that would be better if i put it here:

A is telling me things about LK being a liar, manipulative, etc. he told me how she kept trying to steal him from me when we were first dating. i'm tempted to not believe him, at least not to the full extent. yeah, there was probably a bit of that going on, but i don't think its as severe as he's telling me. let it blow over....he's caught up with LK playing with C, his friend. i'm not going to get involved. i just need to know how much he's escalading it. i'm thinking i'm just being fed terrible gossip that's been twisted, whether or not he believes it remains to be seen. here is another instance where i'm noticing the age/ maturity gap.

when one is in a relationship, do they compromise their identity? i'm beginning to think i have. i'm starting to hide things, my true feelings, from A- the reason for this blog. i cam so close to breaking it off with him. i wanted to, i wanted him to go away so i'd never be bothered. if he was going to kill himself, it wouldn't be my problem to worry about because dammit i don't need this. but something happened, he pleaded with me and told me that i was the one who's helping him through this by just being there and i'm selfish if he can't have someone to hug him while he's going through a difficult period and he didn't want to lose me. he promised to find ways to get better and to have and use a larger support system. and suddenly i didn't want to break up with him anymore. i believe him when he says he will get better. and i do want to be there for him, even if i don't know how.

so the relationship is renewed, but i'm wondering if i made the right decision. am i lying to myself? why can't i just be selfish and be self absorbed in my own life? why i can't i just finish high school, work this summer, and go off go college? maybe i'm not meant to be anyone's girlfriend. maybe the concept is too much for me too grasp, maybe i go above and beyond, maybe i pick the wrong guy. its good for awhile then things turn sour. i'm currently hopeful right now and i don't want to abandon him. but is this just going to be an awful cycle? are we right for each other?

when A was being a self-absorbed depressed asshole at prom and i was on the brink of breaking up with him and taking him home....i ended up dancing with B, who happened to be LK's prom date. B was so nice to me. both he and C, LK's best friend asked my why I was still with A and advised me to get out of it. B was telling me men are pigs and i should avoid them entirely. He told me I could do better than A, so why am I doing this to myself? He genuinely cared, even though i hardly know him. and then after we finished group slow dancing a second time we stayed out there fast dancing for a bit. god, that was the best part of the dance, to have people sympathize with me.

god, i don't know anymore. my mind keeps swinging, should i or shouldn't i? i don't know...i have no fucking clue. i need to see how this goes, if things get better....i think and hope they will get better. i was really enjoying being around A at post prom and before and after the almost breakup. he told me he had a moment of that with LK at about the same time in their relationship.

S, if you're reading....i need to know about how i am as a person. do i care about people? i just need an opinion, a reminder about how i come off towards people.

why am i suddenly almost crying? i can't explain my emotions....

i started this based on S's advice: get a new blog if you feel you can't spill yourself. for that is a blog's purpose. i guess i made that mistake when i gave my address to A, my current bf. suddenly i have thoughts running through my head i don't want him reading. i'm doing this to protect him, but mostly myself.

let me start at the beginning: A and i have been together officially 2 months yesterday. things started out wonderfully, but then as i got to know him i became more aware of his negative qualities. A came off a year and a half relationship with a friend of mine, LK. she broke it off and so far A has not gotten over her, despite it being 4 months and 2 girls later. he throws himself into fits of depression and tries to manipulate LK and I into feeling sorry for him, threatening suicide and such. last week he did this to LK thursday and saturday....he did this to me saturday. i talked to him on the phone because it was the only thing i knew to do. afterwards i told mom about it, because i knew it was too big for me to handle on my own. she made me realize A is manipulating the 2 of us, and confessed she percieved him as being really needy. A and I are different. i have a really good family and support system, he comes off as not having that. his parents are split and he had a rough childhood. i guess he dramatizes it into being more than it could be. but there again, i don't know A that well.

from there on i decide i have to break it off with A because i can't be manipulated like this and his not being over LK will only get worse with me being there. my only problem: prom, which is this week and i have to go with him because of arrangement and that stuff. so i'm bidding my time...

except i have these moments of the way things used to be. i still love him, or at least care about him...and he says he loves me and i believe it. things could probably be better if he were over LK, but from what Lk has told me his manipulation will never change. so i'm hoping prom will go well. i feel awful holding on to this until after prom, because i promised i won't string him along. but the truth is I am going back and forth on this issue. at the moment i wouldn't do it. i have to see how things are after prom. i don't like to think about it, frankly. but it is a strain of guilt that's laying on me. i just want to give him a second chance and forget about it so i can ignore this guilt. i want it to go away, and i'm going to try to avoid LK to not have A go into one of his depressed moments....god, why am i doing this? but i'm determined to have fun. and he's looking forward to it, save one aspect....

yes, this is what that nagging feeling in my mind was telling me. now i have something to satisfy when i have this urge to be on my own again. i want to be single. looking at me and my track record, maybe i'm just not meant to have a long-term relationship. my longest is 3 months, which was 2 years ago. right now i'd settle for a random makeout session