Unsure

What has become of me? I've been longing to be back...and granted I'm happy that I'm here. But I've suddenly become questioning everything surrounding me; making unnescessary comparisons of myself, second-guessing my social demeanor, my so-called talent, all of this personal bullshit that i shouldn't be stressing in the first place. I've painted myself into a corner and I'm caught between trying to determine if this is what I really want and if I should try to get out of it. I like being separated, but at the same time I think I shouldn't be. I keep slowly trying to pick AW's brain about us, he senses it. Why I can't just be satisfied with how things are, I don't know. Why do I have to know if he cares about me and how much? Why do I have to know what he thinks of me or how he finds me attractive? Am I that insecure that I have to keep searching for reassurance? But at the same time, as I spouted off stories that angered me in high school, he told me I'd never been that angry/ annoyed around him. Somehow that caught me off guard. If I haven't been that way around him, who have I been telling my problems to? No one. I'm treating this like a relationship, I'm afraid of opening up for fear of being kicked to the curb....a fear that doesn't even seem to be feasible in this case.

I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.

Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.

But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.