out of sorts

things have been swimming in my head for several days. feelings of negativity, uncertainty, and restlessness. i want something to happen, yet at the same time i want to slow down. these things need elaboration....in a random numerical order

1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.

2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.

3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.

4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.

now, will i have the guts to go through with it?