Confused, or perhaps I just broke out of it

Pondering again, never a good sign. And of course, the subject is always the same....AW.

Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.

Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.

Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?

I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.