I've come to the conclusion it is all right for one to have secrets. A was being paranoid that just because I was slightly depressed over maslc being over and such that we were going to break up. Of course, he didn't know my sad mood was caused by maslc. Instead his head jumped to conclusions- I was in love with someone else....

Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.

So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.

stupid something that made me lose this extra long post...grr

anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.

ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.

so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.

but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...

i'm waiting to fly
to spread my wings and soar
far above everything i've ever known
fly to my place in the sky
in the big wide world, surrounded by lights
will i make it? i don't know
but i've got to try

i've waiting to fly
away from these people, this place
so near and dear to my heart, but not
most i never will see again
but those i will miss
those who will form a void

love and loss
will it happen to me?
probably, but i don't want to stop it
commitment is crazy right now
marriage so far away
despite everything i want to keep him in my life

will the inevitable happen?
will we cause each other pain?
letting this distance further separate us
making us stray from something so wonderful
because we need to satisfy this need
this longing
for a companion, to be loved
we love each other, but is it enough
is it ever enough?

relationship going nowhere
passion subsides
love is still there
perhaps more than it ever was
friendship growing
does it outweigh the romance?
forced to go farther
wanting to hold back, but am i jeoprodizing this
no...hold firm
too much put into physical
overrated
but yet, its stopped

i'm flying away
i can't stop it
i don't want to stop it
i'm leaving
and leaving him behind
for better or for worse
gone

for some reason whenever i write in here i feel more free, like i'm not putting up a front for anyone. that is highly unlikely, save A. i guess i just feel the need to protect him, and from what i gather he does the same for me. we're just 2 vunerable people trying not to get hurt but clinging to each other in the process. but at the same time, do we completely spill everything because we have this label? we haven't known each other deeply for a long time...3 months.

last night in my car as i brought up the topic concerning our relationship while i'm at college...i guess it just scared me that he seemed so sure of our commitment. i want to be unattached when i'm at college. i want to be free to meet new guys and maybe have relationships with them...or at least be able to flirt or go a bit farther and not feel guilty. i wouldn't cheat but the temptation would be enough to make me be guilty.

yet, adric talks of marriage and of still being here for me when i come back for christmas and spring break. i feel the need to separate from everything and leave my small hometown as a separate world that will function on its own and i'm simply not a direct part of it anymore. i've wanted this for a long time...i've mentioned it before in my other blog, the need to sever ties. i won't destroy them, but i need to leave.

but i keep running into this issue about me....i'm afraid of commitment and greatly value my independence, sometimes too much. what i like about the people who are constant fixtures in my life is i can go off and do my own thing but when i need/want someone around they'll be there for me-for the superifical or for the larger issues. my parents, my friends are perfect examples.

but i've decided that decision is best left until august...right before i leave. in the meantime, i'll just enjoy what i have because A makes me really happy.

annoyed little comment that would be better if i put it here:

A is telling me things about LK being a liar, manipulative, etc. he told me how she kept trying to steal him from me when we were first dating. i'm tempted to not believe him, at least not to the full extent. yeah, there was probably a bit of that going on, but i don't think its as severe as he's telling me. let it blow over....he's caught up with LK playing with C, his friend. i'm not going to get involved. i just need to know how much he's escalading it. i'm thinking i'm just being fed terrible gossip that's been twisted, whether or not he believes it remains to be seen. here is another instance where i'm noticing the age/ maturity gap.

when one is in a relationship, do they compromise their identity? i'm beginning to think i have. i'm starting to hide things, my true feelings, from A- the reason for this blog. i cam so close to breaking it off with him. i wanted to, i wanted him to go away so i'd never be bothered. if he was going to kill himself, it wouldn't be my problem to worry about because dammit i don't need this. but something happened, he pleaded with me and told me that i was the one who's helping him through this by just being there and i'm selfish if he can't have someone to hug him while he's going through a difficult period and he didn't want to lose me. he promised to find ways to get better and to have and use a larger support system. and suddenly i didn't want to break up with him anymore. i believe him when he says he will get better. and i do want to be there for him, even if i don't know how.

so the relationship is renewed, but i'm wondering if i made the right decision. am i lying to myself? why can't i just be selfish and be self absorbed in my own life? why i can't i just finish high school, work this summer, and go off go college? maybe i'm not meant to be anyone's girlfriend. maybe the concept is too much for me too grasp, maybe i go above and beyond, maybe i pick the wrong guy. its good for awhile then things turn sour. i'm currently hopeful right now and i don't want to abandon him. but is this just going to be an awful cycle? are we right for each other?

when A was being a self-absorbed depressed asshole at prom and i was on the brink of breaking up with him and taking him home....i ended up dancing with B, who happened to be LK's prom date. B was so nice to me. both he and C, LK's best friend asked my why I was still with A and advised me to get out of it. B was telling me men are pigs and i should avoid them entirely. He told me I could do better than A, so why am I doing this to myself? He genuinely cared, even though i hardly know him. and then after we finished group slow dancing a second time we stayed out there fast dancing for a bit. god, that was the best part of the dance, to have people sympathize with me.

god, i don't know anymore. my mind keeps swinging, should i or shouldn't i? i don't know...i have no fucking clue. i need to see how this goes, if things get better....i think and hope they will get better. i was really enjoying being around A at post prom and before and after the almost breakup. he told me he had a moment of that with LK at about the same time in their relationship.

S, if you're reading....i need to know about how i am as a person. do i care about people? i just need an opinion, a reminder about how i come off towards people.

why am i suddenly almost crying? i can't explain my emotions....

i started this based on S's advice: get a new blog if you feel you can't spill yourself. for that is a blog's purpose. i guess i made that mistake when i gave my address to A, my current bf. suddenly i have thoughts running through my head i don't want him reading. i'm doing this to protect him, but mostly myself.

let me start at the beginning: A and i have been together officially 2 months yesterday. things started out wonderfully, but then as i got to know him i became more aware of his negative qualities. A came off a year and a half relationship with a friend of mine, LK. she broke it off and so far A has not gotten over her, despite it being 4 months and 2 girls later. he throws himself into fits of depression and tries to manipulate LK and I into feeling sorry for him, threatening suicide and such. last week he did this to LK thursday and saturday....he did this to me saturday. i talked to him on the phone because it was the only thing i knew to do. afterwards i told mom about it, because i knew it was too big for me to handle on my own. she made me realize A is manipulating the 2 of us, and confessed she percieved him as being really needy. A and I are different. i have a really good family and support system, he comes off as not having that. his parents are split and he had a rough childhood. i guess he dramatizes it into being more than it could be. but there again, i don't know A that well.

from there on i decide i have to break it off with A because i can't be manipulated like this and his not being over LK will only get worse with me being there. my only problem: prom, which is this week and i have to go with him because of arrangement and that stuff. so i'm bidding my time...

except i have these moments of the way things used to be. i still love him, or at least care about him...and he says he loves me and i believe it. things could probably be better if he were over LK, but from what Lk has told me his manipulation will never change. so i'm hoping prom will go well. i feel awful holding on to this until after prom, because i promised i won't string him along. but the truth is I am going back and forth on this issue. at the moment i wouldn't do it. i have to see how things are after prom. i don't like to think about it, frankly. but it is a strain of guilt that's laying on me. i just want to give him a second chance and forget about it so i can ignore this guilt. i want it to go away, and i'm going to try to avoid LK to not have A go into one of his depressed moments....god, why am i doing this? but i'm determined to have fun. and he's looking forward to it, save one aspect....

yes, this is what that nagging feeling in my mind was telling me. now i have something to satisfy when i have this urge to be on my own again. i want to be single. looking at me and my track record, maybe i'm just not meant to have a long-term relationship. my longest is 3 months, which was 2 years ago. right now i'd settle for a random makeout session