2 finals tomorrow: grammar and phonetics. I actually did something about my grammar final, I spent a large chunk of the afternoon and a portion of this evening reading about grammar rules and doing exercises. Maybe I won't completely fail. Phonetics, I don't really know what to study except the phonetic alphabet. Tomorrow...there is too much in my head right now. I just want to be finished. As soon as my finals are over, my academic motivation will be completely gone. Good thing I'm finished with my paper for stage. I just have to print it and turn it in.
I've made a list of things to do before I leave. Everything is feasible. I need a vacation. I need to get out of here. I would like to see G, just because I need to fill that void. I need to be loved, damnit.
Christmas vacation! Now!
mercredi 19 décembre 2007
samedi 1 décembre 2007
Unsettled
I need some sort of stability. Last night was C's birthday and we went out to have a good time. I wasn't sure if in all of it I should pick up a guy. I don't know what G and I are...plus I feel semi-on the-rebound from my slip-up with AC. No winners...I wasn't trying very hard, a couple just started dancing with me. I was a little relieved when I saw K at the discotheque. I danced for 2 hours with some guy, eventually got creeped out, needed to go home and climbed into bed at 4 am. Now it's the aftermath. Sitting around in my bed trying to decide what to do with my day. I have a need to go out and have a coffee with someone, male preferably. I want to see G, but I don't know what to do about it.
Why do I feel as if I always need some guy? Am I really this starved for attention? Can't I be happy just going to school, having friends, and being in France? Do I need someone to want to hold and kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful? Maybe I was right: whatever void I used to fill with acting I now have to fill with men.
I want to go out with J...listening to their music on myspace, and I am so hopeless......
and fuck, I miss AC, even though I understand everything was just an illusion.
Why do I feel as if I always need some guy? Am I really this starved for attention? Can't I be happy just going to school, having friends, and being in France? Do I need someone to want to hold and kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful? Maybe I was right: whatever void I used to fill with acting I now have to fill with men.
I want to go out with J...listening to their music on myspace, and I am so hopeless......
and fuck, I miss AC, even though I understand everything was just an illusion.
samedi 24 novembre 2007
No, it was all just an illusion
So, I believe this crazy bubble burst. At least I'm wise to it this time. AC and I were supposed to do something today. Sent a "how are you, had a good time" text Friday night. Sent a what are you up to text this afternoon, phone call with no message. Around 4-I was trying to hold out until tonight- I left a "don't play this game with me, what do you really want?, tell me the truth" message. Ironically, G is busy this weekend so I do get to sit on this one and see where it goes. At this point, nothing from AC. If he bothers to contact me this weekend, there could be a million excuses. Mostly, I'm not holding my breath. I think on Thursday I was just there. He always needs someone to pursue and wasn't I a good object. I'm done with him...this is no good.
I took the longest walk ever today. It was fantastic.
Meanwhile, tomorrow I'm having breakfast with D. Everything will go back to normal, with only a slight bruising of my healed wounds. I'll bounce back.
I took the longest walk ever today. It was fantastic.
Meanwhile, tomorrow I'm having breakfast with D. Everything will go back to normal, with only a slight bruising of my healed wounds. I'll bounce back.
vendredi 23 novembre 2007
He came back?
Last night I plunged into something that I thought was finished forever. At the Thanksgiving dinner, AC asked about us. It had been nearly 2 months. I thought I was dropped. We sort of started talking about it and I had to give a speech. The entire evening he kept flirting with me. I had no idea what his agenda was. Never-the-less, I was intrigued.
At the after party, he was somewhat intoxicated. We slid into a booth and sort of finished our conversation. I laid it down for him. I think I agreed to give it another shot, but not without misgivings. We went to another bar, at this point I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. So, I decide I need more alcohol to ease the situation. We talk again at this bar. It's extremely loud. I live right around the corner, so eventually I begged for an escort home. I don't know what everyone else thought, nor do I care.
It was raining, we sauntered home. He lit cigarettes under overhangs. We kept talking about us and the mistakes and the misinterpretations and the apologies. I told him about my French lover. Now, I wish I hadn't. It would have given me more leverage.
He came up to my apartment...still continuing the conversation. This time we actually decided to do the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I still have the issue of my French lover, but I don't entirely trust AC, so I'll cool it for this weekend and see where we are. I feel like if I jump into this too quickly, I'll get burned again. G and I aren't serious. I could drop it and there probably won't be too many hurt feelings. I need to see how AC is. He can tell me all kinds of things, but I have to be with him for more than a week, and not in a concentrated period, to really see it.
I'm being secretive. I can't tell anyone this; I know what my friends would say.
At the after party, he was somewhat intoxicated. We slid into a booth and sort of finished our conversation. I laid it down for him. I think I agreed to give it another shot, but not without misgivings. We went to another bar, at this point I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. So, I decide I need more alcohol to ease the situation. We talk again at this bar. It's extremely loud. I live right around the corner, so eventually I begged for an escort home. I don't know what everyone else thought, nor do I care.
It was raining, we sauntered home. He lit cigarettes under overhangs. We kept talking about us and the mistakes and the misinterpretations and the apologies. I told him about my French lover. Now, I wish I hadn't. It would have given me more leverage.
He came up to my apartment...still continuing the conversation. This time we actually decided to do the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I still have the issue of my French lover, but I don't entirely trust AC, so I'll cool it for this weekend and see where we are. I feel like if I jump into this too quickly, I'll get burned again. G and I aren't serious. I could drop it and there probably won't be too many hurt feelings. I need to see how AC is. He can tell me all kinds of things, but I have to be with him for more than a week, and not in a concentrated period, to really see it.
I'm being secretive. I can't tell anyone this; I know what my friends would say.
dimanche 18 novembre 2007
French Lover
So I've gotten myself into this situation which feels oddly out of a movie. I met a French guy last Friday night in a bar. We were together until 4 am. Sunday we go out on a date an establish a pattern. He took me for a walk on the beach. We talked a little; he speaks very little English, which is good for me, so we're speaking French. We drive back to his apartment, fool around, which eventually leads to sex. He drives me home, says he'll call me.
During the week, I'm not holding my breath. I relay this story to my friends and they agree that I don't need a relationship, just a conversation partner and a fuck buddy. Not a bad idea. I send him a text message proposing this idea, subtly. He accepts. We eventually make plans to see each other on Sunday.
I find my way to his apartment....at first we sit watching tv, little movement, no conversation. The program finishes and we commence. The whole thing is nice; we have good physical chemistry....after I while, I lay there wondering if this is it. We don't really say anything. I feel like this is my fault because I'm not that great at French. Eventually I try to start a conversation...this is better.
I go home for dinner. He drives me and I throw my hair into a "sex hair" ponytail. I wonder if my host family notices that these past 2 sundays I come home with the ponytail and an air of rejuvenation. This is my Sunday routene.
I still need a picture of him to prove that this happened.
During the week, I'm not holding my breath. I relay this story to my friends and they agree that I don't need a relationship, just a conversation partner and a fuck buddy. Not a bad idea. I send him a text message proposing this idea, subtly. He accepts. We eventually make plans to see each other on Sunday.
I find my way to his apartment....at first we sit watching tv, little movement, no conversation. The program finishes and we commence. The whole thing is nice; we have good physical chemistry....after I while, I lay there wondering if this is it. We don't really say anything. I feel like this is my fault because I'm not that great at French. Eventually I try to start a conversation...this is better.
I go home for dinner. He drives me and I throw my hair into a "sex hair" ponytail. I wonder if my host family notices that these past 2 sundays I come home with the ponytail and an air of rejuvenation. This is my Sunday routene.
I still need a picture of him to prove that this happened.
samedi 3 novembre 2007
traveling and return
I've spent the last week casually traveling through Germany and Austria- technically just 2 cities, but doesn't it sound better when I mention countries?
Saturday afternoon alone in the apartment...entertaining myself with the computer. While I was in Germany at the beginning of the week I wished for my journal. So much self-reflection and now that it's 5 days later, I can't remember any of it.
New Goals for self:
Travel everywhere
Never settle for someone else or for a need to have someone else
Truly be independent
Never let yourself be tied down without complete acceptance of new circumstances
I'm really great at vague goals.
Saturday afternoon alone in the apartment...entertaining myself with the computer. While I was in Germany at the beginning of the week I wished for my journal. So much self-reflection and now that it's 5 days later, I can't remember any of it.
New Goals for self:
Travel everywhere
Never settle for someone else or for a need to have someone else
Truly be independent
Never let yourself be tied down without complete acceptance of new circumstances
I'm really great at vague goals.
mercredi 24 octobre 2007
Yearnings...
I'm settled in to my life in France. I laugh at my language stumblings and ease my way through the streets. I dress the part and manage to blend in until I speak. Maybe that will change, but I will always be foreign. If someone asked me what I like most about being here- I'd say my schedule, attitude, etc. I'm so relaxed here. I never worry about the mundane like I did in the States. I'm social much more frequently. I seem to go out all the time, plus I've been able to travel.
I keep trying to search for something. I'm certain that I know what it is...every time I see a couple I wish a little bit. I don't like that; I've managed to change and redefine myself as an individual. I don't need a guy, yet the added benefits are something I wouldn't turn down. There's nothing wrong with companionship, is there?
Prospects? Yes, no, not really.... I met a guy name JF at work on Monday. It seemed awkward to pursue it, but perhaps I'll get lucky. JC also from work....but that would be extremely messy. AW lingers from home. We talk frequently and I wonder how that will end up. He's coming to visit in January and I'm really excited about it. R still exists, but I have no idea until spring/ summer. Meanwhile, I go to the occasional bar/ club and flirt. I need to do that more often. Its a damn good ego boost.
I'm going on vacation next week to Germany and Austria. The plan is to take in the culture in Vienna and party in Frankfurt. I don't speak any German.
I keep trying to search for something. I'm certain that I know what it is...every time I see a couple I wish a little bit. I don't like that; I've managed to change and redefine myself as an individual. I don't need a guy, yet the added benefits are something I wouldn't turn down. There's nothing wrong with companionship, is there?
Prospects? Yes, no, not really.... I met a guy name JF at work on Monday. It seemed awkward to pursue it, but perhaps I'll get lucky. JC also from work....but that would be extremely messy. AW lingers from home. We talk frequently and I wonder how that will end up. He's coming to visit in January and I'm really excited about it. R still exists, but I have no idea until spring/ summer. Meanwhile, I go to the occasional bar/ club and flirt. I need to do that more often. Its a damn good ego boost.
I'm going on vacation next week to Germany and Austria. The plan is to take in the culture in Vienna and party in Frankfurt. I don't speak any German.
mercredi 10 octobre 2007
Revisiting the Old
For some reason, I've always gratification from posting things into the unknown of the internet. I feel like with the shift of my personal life, perhaps this is a good time to come back to this. Otherwise, I could always use another place to keep thoughts while in France.
Current stupidity/ revelation:
I had a fling with an English guy about a month ago. I found out about 2 weeks later that he was essentially playing me the entire time. I was hurt...messed up my personal life, what have you. Now I'm single for the first time in nearly 4 year. I'm not used to this and it scares me. I had an interesting conversation with another girl who was victim to English guy's methods. There is relief, I really know with legitimate proof- not with extremely strong "it couldn't be anything else" gut feelings. The benefit is that the other girl and I bonded over this; we'll probably become very good friends. At the same time, I feel extremely stupid for all of this. I need to write it off and move on. I think this conversation provided that closure that I needed.
Otherwise, I'm enjoying my socialization time in France. I'm wishing that I didn't have homework so I could go out without a guilty conscience. Meanwhile, tomorrow will be another fun night followed by a lovely weekend in Marseille.
More to come.
Current stupidity/ revelation:
I had a fling with an English guy about a month ago. I found out about 2 weeks later that he was essentially playing me the entire time. I was hurt...messed up my personal life, what have you. Now I'm single for the first time in nearly 4 year. I'm not used to this and it scares me. I had an interesting conversation with another girl who was victim to English guy's methods. There is relief, I really know with legitimate proof- not with extremely strong "it couldn't be anything else" gut feelings. The benefit is that the other girl and I bonded over this; we'll probably become very good friends. At the same time, I feel extremely stupid for all of this. I need to write it off and move on. I think this conversation provided that closure that I needed.
Otherwise, I'm enjoying my socialization time in France. I'm wishing that I didn't have homework so I could go out without a guilty conscience. Meanwhile, tomorrow will be another fun night followed by a lovely weekend in Marseille.
More to come.
vendredi 8 décembre 2006
this would make a perfect plot for reality tv
At my new school, I thought I had lucked out with a fortunate rooming situation. I turned out to be very wrong. Things finally came to crashing halt last night, and I am finally taking it upon myself to fix the situation. I do not trust housing or my hall director's potential decision. I have told parts of this story to many people and do not wish to share it again. However, I will relay last nights events.
In response to the situation not getting better after meeting with our hall director one month ago, my roommates and I decided it would be best to meet with him again and give an ultimatum: we leave or she goes. We also decided to tell the other roommate since she was extremely upset with us for going behind her back and airing her personal business. An incident occured early yesterday morning involving B, the problem-roommate and ES, another roommate. I was in no way involved and B asked for my opinion of the situation. I gave it and stupidly decided that was the proper moment to tell her of our plans for meeting with the hall director. I specifically asked her if she still wanted to live with us. We exchanged words, I had created another tense situation and needed to go to class.
We met with out hall director that night after running into him and setting up a meeting. The three of us met with him and told him our concerns. I delivered my ultimatum. Yesterday, I displayed 2 unhealthy coping mechanisms that I continually used last fall: I didn't eat and I wanted to sob for hours in a safe place (because I did not have a private, safe place to cry I spend my early evening trying to stifle it). I refuse to live with B because of the building of these problems over time and her absolute unwillingness to compromise.
B was brought into our meeting. 2 of her friends listened outside the door as we each said our piece. The hall director caught them; they said some very lovely things about us in the hallway while my roommates and I waited in the office. They were brought in and allowed to speak. Nothing was accomplished. I feared my things were going to be vandalized that night or myself being beaten up that night if I stayed.
Our hall director is making a decision this morning. If B is not forced to leave or moved, I will move out this weekend. I am already planning to go home this afternoon until Sunday evening. If she has not left by Monday, I will take what I need and live with AW for the remainder of the semester.
Our hall director gave us a bogus speech about standing up for ourselves, learning to co-exist with different people, and there are worse situations that you could be in right now (Iraq). His speech, though he meant well, was a fallacy in logic. I'm directly referring to his statement about Iraq. I have spent 2 years in college living in a similar environment with 2 different sets of roommates. I admit we had small issues, but I never needed to move out. Frankly, the reason why I didn't "stand up for myself" was because I was trying to "co-exist with my roommate". This situation and his speech does not mesh. We are not freshman with petty problems. This is a severe clash of lifestyles and an extreme unwillingness to compromise by the problematic party.
My soc professor made a relevant arguement in class a few weeks ago. We were discussing Fast Food Nation and Supersize me. He made a comment concerning heart health and clogged arteries. If an artery is blocked due to effects caused by a sedentary lifestyle and poor nutritional choices (fast food), a solution like a bypass is something that doesn't truly fix the problem. Unless the individual makes those necessary lifestyle changes, the problem will just come back and probably with worse reprocussions. A bypass will not work here. I am moving out because I need to remove myself from this situation before I come to even more personal harm.
In response to the situation not getting better after meeting with our hall director one month ago, my roommates and I decided it would be best to meet with him again and give an ultimatum: we leave or she goes. We also decided to tell the other roommate since she was extremely upset with us for going behind her back and airing her personal business. An incident occured early yesterday morning involving B, the problem-roommate and ES, another roommate. I was in no way involved and B asked for my opinion of the situation. I gave it and stupidly decided that was the proper moment to tell her of our plans for meeting with the hall director. I specifically asked her if she still wanted to live with us. We exchanged words, I had created another tense situation and needed to go to class.
We met with out hall director that night after running into him and setting up a meeting. The three of us met with him and told him our concerns. I delivered my ultimatum. Yesterday, I displayed 2 unhealthy coping mechanisms that I continually used last fall: I didn't eat and I wanted to sob for hours in a safe place (because I did not have a private, safe place to cry I spend my early evening trying to stifle it). I refuse to live with B because of the building of these problems over time and her absolute unwillingness to compromise.
B was brought into our meeting. 2 of her friends listened outside the door as we each said our piece. The hall director caught them; they said some very lovely things about us in the hallway while my roommates and I waited in the office. They were brought in and allowed to speak. Nothing was accomplished. I feared my things were going to be vandalized that night or myself being beaten up that night if I stayed.
Our hall director is making a decision this morning. If B is not forced to leave or moved, I will move out this weekend. I am already planning to go home this afternoon until Sunday evening. If she has not left by Monday, I will take what I need and live with AW for the remainder of the semester.
Our hall director gave us a bogus speech about standing up for ourselves, learning to co-exist with different people, and there are worse situations that you could be in right now (Iraq). His speech, though he meant well, was a fallacy in logic. I'm directly referring to his statement about Iraq. I have spent 2 years in college living in a similar environment with 2 different sets of roommates. I admit we had small issues, but I never needed to move out. Frankly, the reason why I didn't "stand up for myself" was because I was trying to "co-exist with my roommate". This situation and his speech does not mesh. We are not freshman with petty problems. This is a severe clash of lifestyles and an extreme unwillingness to compromise by the problematic party.
My soc professor made a relevant arguement in class a few weeks ago. We were discussing Fast Food Nation and Supersize me. He made a comment concerning heart health and clogged arteries. If an artery is blocked due to effects caused by a sedentary lifestyle and poor nutritional choices (fast food), a solution like a bypass is something that doesn't truly fix the problem. Unless the individual makes those necessary lifestyle changes, the problem will just come back and probably with worse reprocussions. A bypass will not work here. I am moving out because I need to remove myself from this situation before I come to even more personal harm.
lundi 28 août 2006
downtown
I'm in one of those contemplative moods. That seems to happen when I am alone. So I begin to surmize...what would be happening right now if I hadn't decided to transfer?
I'd be Rockford. I would have been going to classes this week. Probably even auditioning for their first show...and VC...and .... living in the suite again with JF and SS?? Or off campus?
AW would be gone, so would EC...who would I befriend? PE, most likely....SR...my roomies. Would LB and I have patched things up (I should e-mail him)?
I can already tell that I'm much happier here and school hasn't even started yet. Just being in Minneapolis is enough to convince me that I've made the right decision. Plus, I've managed to surround myself with 3 of my 5 closest friends that I will probably keep forever.
I'd be Rockford. I would have been going to classes this week. Probably even auditioning for their first show...and VC...and .... living in the suite again with JF and SS?? Or off campus?
AW would be gone, so would EC...who would I befriend? PE, most likely....SR...my roomies. Would LB and I have patched things up (I should e-mail him)?
I can already tell that I'm much happier here and school hasn't even started yet. Just being in Minneapolis is enough to convince me that I've made the right decision. Plus, I've managed to surround myself with 3 of my 5 closest friends that I will probably keep forever.
dimanche 27 août 2006
High Speed Internet
So- it seems I have finally escaped the inadequacies of dial-up. It's been quite awhile. Highlights of the summer since the last post:
1. Meeting up with L for random hanging out sessions. I do love reconnecting with old friends.
2. 2 rendezvous with AW. He's moving to Minneapolis in a week, yay.
3. Not working, despite ending up very, very poor.
4. Lots of reading...currently going through the Harry Potter series. Yes, I have never read it before and finally started. Thank you lots of urging from EC.
5. Horrible situation with academic advising at my new school. How I hate people who don't know how to do their jobs.
6. Changing my mind several times about academic pursuits. I am a French major with intents of pursing grad school and a Ph. D. Current minors: East Asian Studies and Theatre???? I want to spent all of my "senior" year in France, take summer intensive language courses at the U. This summer French, next summer Chinese.
7. Starting my work study job early and currently living in downtown Minneapolis.
8. Discovering my new love for biking.
I've come to the conclusions that all academic institutions are roughly the same and whatever one doesn't like they can deal with if other better things outweigh it. I am going to a semi-religious school...coming from a not religious at all school. If campus bores me I have other friends that are not connected with it. I can escape because I am not in Rockford, I am in Minneapolis. Rejection from all of my not safe schools does not mean I am inadequate. If nothing else I will be able to take advantages of opportunies as I did at Rockford.
My somewhat 3 year plan:
Junior year: continue French language courses, pursue minor courses, and finish requirements. Find niche on campus and enjoy life in Minneapolis.
Summer: Stay in Minneapolis and work/ take French classes at the U.
Senior year: Study abroad in France (most likely not Paris, I need some variety). Take majority of major classes in France. Perfect my accent. It sucks.
Summer: Return to Minneapolis and work/ take Chinese classes at the U.
Super Senior year: Back at Augburg. I will probably live off-campus. Finish my major and projected minors. Grad school prep, etc, etc.
Current mood: content.
Current music: Cities 97
1. Meeting up with L for random hanging out sessions. I do love reconnecting with old friends.
2. 2 rendezvous with AW. He's moving to Minneapolis in a week, yay.
3. Not working, despite ending up very, very poor.
4. Lots of reading...currently going through the Harry Potter series. Yes, I have never read it before and finally started. Thank you lots of urging from EC.
5. Horrible situation with academic advising at my new school. How I hate people who don't know how to do their jobs.
6. Changing my mind several times about academic pursuits. I am a French major with intents of pursing grad school and a Ph. D. Current minors: East Asian Studies and Theatre???? I want to spent all of my "senior" year in France, take summer intensive language courses at the U. This summer French, next summer Chinese.
7. Starting my work study job early and currently living in downtown Minneapolis.
8. Discovering my new love for biking.
I've come to the conclusions that all academic institutions are roughly the same and whatever one doesn't like they can deal with if other better things outweigh it. I am going to a semi-religious school...coming from a not religious at all school. If campus bores me I have other friends that are not connected with it. I can escape because I am not in Rockford, I am in Minneapolis. Rejection from all of my not safe schools does not mean I am inadequate. If nothing else I will be able to take advantages of opportunies as I did at Rockford.
My somewhat 3 year plan:
Junior year: continue French language courses, pursue minor courses, and finish requirements. Find niche on campus and enjoy life in Minneapolis.
Summer: Stay in Minneapolis and work/ take French classes at the U.
Senior year: Study abroad in France (most likely not Paris, I need some variety). Take majority of major classes in France. Perfect my accent. It sucks.
Summer: Return to Minneapolis and work/ take Chinese classes at the U.
Super Senior year: Back at Augburg. I will probably live off-campus. Finish my major and projected minors. Grad school prep, etc, etc.
Current mood: content.
Current music: Cities 97
dimanche 4 juin 2006
Paris....halfway through
I've managed to stumble on free internet without feeling like I'm being in the way.
Paris....I've been here for almost 2 weeks. This first part of my trip is almost over. I'm done teaching and I've finished my interviews. My mom is currently en route to the airport. I'm meeting her for dinner tomorrow at 7:00. Then, I have an extra 10 days in Paris.
This trip has definetly changed me. I've begun to seriously think about teaching. I've completely decided on going to grad school and maybe even beyond. I haven't yet entirely decided on my bachelor's degree, but I'm going to continue French. I will probably be a French major.
I've had lots of influence from SH. I've spent many afternoons with her being a tourist. I've also had many long conversations with her about life and academic decisions. It reassures me to know that she is unsatisfied with Rockford and is looking for another position. She is hoping to leave after next year. She also told me that TA was thinking of finishing his Ph D. That means 2 of my big reasons for staying in Rockford wouldn't be their until I graduate. I needed to leave and that further solidifies it.
I've been keeping a journal as part of the class. I will post it on here when I get back.
Paris....I've been here for almost 2 weeks. This first part of my trip is almost over. I'm done teaching and I've finished my interviews. My mom is currently en route to the airport. I'm meeting her for dinner tomorrow at 7:00. Then, I have an extra 10 days in Paris.
This trip has definetly changed me. I've begun to seriously think about teaching. I've completely decided on going to grad school and maybe even beyond. I haven't yet entirely decided on my bachelor's degree, but I'm going to continue French. I will probably be a French major.
I've had lots of influence from SH. I've spent many afternoons with her being a tourist. I've also had many long conversations with her about life and academic decisions. It reassures me to know that she is unsatisfied with Rockford and is looking for another position. She is hoping to leave after next year. She also told me that TA was thinking of finishing his Ph D. That means 2 of my big reasons for staying in Rockford wouldn't be their until I graduate. I needed to leave and that further solidifies it.
I've been keeping a journal as part of the class. I will post it on here when I get back.
vendredi 5 mai 2006
There are drunk people outside my window.
Ah, how I will miss dear old RC, not really....actually, I will hear drunk people outside my window no matter where I go to college.
...So now that I've established not missing RC....Today was the last official day of classes. All that awaits me now are choir happenings, 3 finals, juries, and lots of packing. Two weeks from Tuesday I will be in Paris. Plus, we got the grant- aka lots of work this summer, but reimbursement for a lot of the trip expenses....good stuff.
I'm a tad bit bored. I could have been slightly productive this evening and at least washed my dishes, but I didn't want to. I have been slightly abandoned this evening. AW got about 2 hours of sleep last night due to multiple English assignments. He went to be right after my dance recital ended at 7:00. EC went to Michigan with my former roommate, NK. She sort of did it out of niceness and a general "door-mat" quality. We were having a conversation about that at lunch.
Next year still is a vast bit of nothingness. I am going to a college other than RC. That's about as far as I've gotten. Damn this wait-list business. I am accepted at Augsburg (and Augustana).....i just don't.....really......want to go there. I want to be far away, because that is my nature from a somewhat closed in childhood. I'd love to go to Lewis and Clark. I'd love to go to Sarah Lawrence if it were $10,000-15,000 cheaper and I didn't feel so intimidated by the workload. But...I'd also love to be off of the wait list in a good way.
EC suggested I apply for jobs with a temp agency when I get back from Paris. I do need a job and I would prefer it in a less obvious place than my extremely small hometown. I'd like to do office work, like a basic secretarial job or something. Something with slight variety would be ideal, but I shouldn't be that picky.
Je voudrais un occupation interresant. si vous plait? Alors, je voudrais savoir ma universite choisir l'annee prochaine. (I apologize; I don't know how to do the accents.)
Finals Schedule:
Juries- Monday @ 5:30 pm
World Music- Tuesday @ 8:00 am
Music Theory- Wednesday @ 8:00 am
French 102- Wednesday @ 1:00 pm
VC stuff through commencement
...So now that I've established not missing RC....Today was the last official day of classes. All that awaits me now are choir happenings, 3 finals, juries, and lots of packing. Two weeks from Tuesday I will be in Paris. Plus, we got the grant- aka lots of work this summer, but reimbursement for a lot of the trip expenses....good stuff.
I'm a tad bit bored. I could have been slightly productive this evening and at least washed my dishes, but I didn't want to. I have been slightly abandoned this evening. AW got about 2 hours of sleep last night due to multiple English assignments. He went to be right after my dance recital ended at 7:00. EC went to Michigan with my former roommate, NK. She sort of did it out of niceness and a general "door-mat" quality. We were having a conversation about that at lunch.
Next year still is a vast bit of nothingness. I am going to a college other than RC. That's about as far as I've gotten. Damn this wait-list business. I am accepted at Augsburg (and Augustana).....i just don't.....really......want to go there. I want to be far away, because that is my nature from a somewhat closed in childhood. I'd love to go to Lewis and Clark. I'd love to go to Sarah Lawrence if it were $10,000-15,000 cheaper and I didn't feel so intimidated by the workload. But...I'd also love to be off of the wait list in a good way.
EC suggested I apply for jobs with a temp agency when I get back from Paris. I do need a job and I would prefer it in a less obvious place than my extremely small hometown. I'd like to do office work, like a basic secretarial job or something. Something with slight variety would be ideal, but I shouldn't be that picky.
Je voudrais un occupation interresant. si vous plait? Alors, je voudrais savoir ma universite choisir l'annee prochaine. (I apologize; I don't know how to do the accents.)
Finals Schedule:
Juries- Monday @ 5:30 pm
World Music- Tuesday @ 8:00 am
Music Theory- Wednesday @ 8:00 am
French 102- Wednesday @ 1:00 pm
VC stuff through commencement
jeudi 20 avril 2006
French, you say?
| You Should Learn French |
 |
What Language Should You Learn?
I love it. Coundown to Paris: 34 days
mercredi 19 avril 2006
Hmmm...
I just finished my French cultural class compostion. Now, I must begin further research for my world music presentation outline. My drive seems to be dwindling. Next week will be killer, but it will all be do-able. Honestly, I'm not that horrible of a procrastinator.
I just want to be finished with school. AW is so worn down with all of his work. Unfortunatly, he still has college applications. It would be in his best interest to apply now or at least talk to admissions counselors. I'm trying my best to help him, but annoys me to be like a personal assistant...funny how I seem to be so good at that job.
I'd definetly like to know where I'm going next year. This summer looms ahead of me with uncertainty. I'd like to know pre-Paris. I'd probably like to visit these schools just to see. I've sort of picked my choice already based on the major selection, price, and location. Perhaps I would be too hasty.
I just want to be finished with school. AW is so worn down with all of his work. Unfortunatly, he still has college applications. It would be in his best interest to apply now or at least talk to admissions counselors. I'm trying my best to help him, but annoys me to be like a personal assistant...funny how I seem to be so good at that job.
I'd definetly like to know where I'm going next year. This summer looms ahead of me with uncertainty. I'd like to know pre-Paris. I'd probably like to visit these schools just to see. I've sort of picked my choice already based on the major selection, price, and location. Perhaps I would be too hasty.
lundi 17 avril 2006
school + me = done
my fowl mood from the weekend seems to have carried over. despite school being almost finished, i despise nearly every second that i'm still here. the weather is beautiful and i can't stand being here.
plus, i seemed to have furthered the melancholy of the situation. i'm picking fights with AW. He's been stressed lately and not dealing with it that well. I'm tired of him being set off by everything and his "melodrama". Now, I'm playing the introverted "leave me alone" card. And I know that it makes everything worse for him; i've abandoned him. We were quietly fighting before he had to go to opera workshop. Yesterday, he was concerned about me while I was endlessly sobbing. Today, I'm running away because he's asking for help with his problems.
my response is to leave each other alone for a few days. i know i'm being manipulative and just twisting the knife. but it's also the mood i've fallen into. i need to be alone. i know it hurts for me to push him away but it's the only thing i know to do.
on an ironic side note: i've been wait-listed at Sarah Lawrence College. Is this all I'm getting? I'm accepted to my safety schools and wait-listed at my top choices....well, there are worse things. Besides, Sarah Lawrence est tres cher. I don't have the money to pay for it.
plus, i seemed to have furthered the melancholy of the situation. i'm picking fights with AW. He's been stressed lately and not dealing with it that well. I'm tired of him being set off by everything and his "melodrama". Now, I'm playing the introverted "leave me alone" card. And I know that it makes everything worse for him; i've abandoned him. We were quietly fighting before he had to go to opera workshop. Yesterday, he was concerned about me while I was endlessly sobbing. Today, I'm running away because he's asking for help with his problems.
my response is to leave each other alone for a few days. i know i'm being manipulative and just twisting the knife. but it's also the mood i've fallen into. i need to be alone. i know it hurts for me to push him away but it's the only thing i know to do.
on an ironic side note: i've been wait-listed at Sarah Lawrence College. Is this all I'm getting? I'm accepted to my safety schools and wait-listed at my top choices....well, there are worse things. Besides, Sarah Lawrence est tres cher. I don't have the money to pay for it.
dimanche 16 avril 2006
Easter
Today has plumeted me into a very melancholy state. I was fine. I went to AW's for the weekend; it's been the same as any other short-term holiday. I was helping with the music for church, some piano solos and a singing duet-thing with AW for prelude.
I'm not sure why...G was singing "Climb every mountain" from Sound of Music; I looked across the sanctuary and saw this old man holding his hand to his face. My interpretation was that he was crying...he could have been holding his head for a moment. I lost it and couldn't hold my composure after that. I was wiping my eyes throughout the service and couldn't even sing hymns. I was thankfully able to make it through my piano postlude. I ran out and got a supply of Kleenex and headed outside. I stood there sobbing and debating what I should do to tell AW where I was.
It was M. It had to be. It's hardly been a month and I haven't been in a church since her funeral. The family was trying to have some semblance of a holiday- the first one without her. I wasn't there. I was in Wisconsin. I haven't been to a Thanksgiving or Easter with my family for 2 years. Plus I was at AW's house the night she died. I spent a large portion of my time sobbing for no reason in his bed because I didn't conciously know she was gone. I kept thinking, "I hope this isn't some godforsaken 6th sense of death."
I sobbed for most of the afternoon. We were supposed to go to AW's uncle's after church. I couldn't go. I couldn't hold my composure and presuaded him to let me stay and rest. I sobbed for quite some time. I kept getting the feeling something was wrong, but it made no sense to me.
I wanted to be with my Dad, because he would understand best. He took M's death especially hard. Mom was upset, just like everyone else...but M was Dad's sister. Our bond to her was closer than Mom's and it shook us more.
Even writing this, my tears come back.
There can't be anything wrong. I've been having episodes like this all semester. Only once has it been for a legitimate reason. But these situation seem much more similar.
Am I still grieving?
I'm not sure why...G was singing "Climb every mountain" from Sound of Music; I looked across the sanctuary and saw this old man holding his hand to his face. My interpretation was that he was crying...he could have been holding his head for a moment. I lost it and couldn't hold my composure after that. I was wiping my eyes throughout the service and couldn't even sing hymns. I was thankfully able to make it through my piano postlude. I ran out and got a supply of Kleenex and headed outside. I stood there sobbing and debating what I should do to tell AW where I was.
It was M. It had to be. It's hardly been a month and I haven't been in a church since her funeral. The family was trying to have some semblance of a holiday- the first one without her. I wasn't there. I was in Wisconsin. I haven't been to a Thanksgiving or Easter with my family for 2 years. Plus I was at AW's house the night she died. I spent a large portion of my time sobbing for no reason in his bed because I didn't conciously know she was gone. I kept thinking, "I hope this isn't some godforsaken 6th sense of death."
I sobbed for most of the afternoon. We were supposed to go to AW's uncle's after church. I couldn't go. I couldn't hold my composure and presuaded him to let me stay and rest. I sobbed for quite some time. I kept getting the feeling something was wrong, but it made no sense to me.
I wanted to be with my Dad, because he would understand best. He took M's death especially hard. Mom was upset, just like everyone else...but M was Dad's sister. Our bond to her was closer than Mom's and it shook us more.
Even writing this, my tears come back.
There can't be anything wrong. I've been having episodes like this all semester. Only once has it been for a legitimate reason. But these situation seem much more similar.
Am I still grieving?
lundi 10 avril 2006
1 Month...or less
I love this. The reality of almost being out of here is finally setting in. My parents came this weekend and rid my room of the necessary clutter. I like the spareness of my room. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting on school decisions and trying to determine the best course of action. Augsburg sent me a good financial aid package and my transfer credit forms. Otherwise, I'm hoping for Lewis and Clark still. I'd love to know their decision pre-Paris or ideally before the end of the school year.
I'm in a weird state of sophomore-itis. I need to be out of here. The weather is lovely, my motivation declines. I'm still ok with work. I love my very few committments schedule. No opera workshop, no Urinetown.
I just need to make it through finals.
Paris!
I'm in a weird state of sophomore-itis. I need to be out of here. The weather is lovely, my motivation declines. I'm still ok with work. I love my very few committments schedule. No opera workshop, no Urinetown.
I just need to make it through finals.
Paris!
mercredi 29 mars 2006
thinking, good...plans, bad?
so...this is what happens when i've suddenly regained energy after a day of being sleepy. apparently going to bed at midnight (not bad) and rising at 7:00 to finish studying leaves me tired for the day but awake after not having class for 3 hours. How I love being one of those people that's more awake after 10 pm.
I finally bought my plane ticket to Paris.
I may be getting a real job this summer...for 2 months. Let's see if I can swing this. My summer: 1. Paris 2. work/EC in Fresno/college visits??? Then again, I could use a relaxing summer. I didn't have that last year.
I miss AW. This is the week he is decidedly absent. Twice in the past 5 days DJ and I asked the inevitable question-
"Is he still alive?"
We've been leaving him random notes and missing posters. I enjoy spontaneity like that.
On the plus side (for me) he has been officially rejected from Roosevelt's grad school program. It brings him one step closer to following me through finishing his undergrad business degree. If I go to Portland, he goes...Minneapolis, same. But he and I prefer Portland. I've ruled out NY in the back of my head. One, it doesn't appeal as much. Two, it is probably a long shot. My grades aren't that good. I despise this not knowing. I half know....and it drives me crazy. At least I'm sure I'm not coming back to good ol' RC.
Newfound irony: it wouldn't break me up if I became a modified version of my parents. This prospect used to bother me for a number of years up until.....2006. Last night he spoke of trying URTA's after a year. That thought made me really selfish because I thought he would stay wherever until I graduated. That's looking at about 3 years. Perhaps he'll move when I go abroad for a semester and that would make the transition easier. Off topic, oops- anywho, I'm ok with him waiting and us staying together going wherever we need to go career-wise. The other makes it work in whatever city. Eventually we'd figure out if we still want to get married or not.
(It seems I've figured out a different kind of 5 year plan. Is this bad??)
Yesss????
My life should not be about 5 year plans. I'd rather think in broad possibilities about my future. If I can't be sure about majors and careers, let's turn to my current relationship evolving from something serious to major life commitment. Good idea? Maybe not when I'm not even 20. I do cringe everytime I hear another classmate of mine is engaged/married/pregnant. I'm still very young.
So...plans? Short term is ok (after all, I do have to figure out my summer and my next school). But I still have until the end of this semester to have a general plan.
In the meantime....
I finally bought my plane ticket to Paris.
I may be getting a real job this summer...for 2 months. Let's see if I can swing this. My summer: 1. Paris 2. work/EC in Fresno/college visits??? Then again, I could use a relaxing summer. I didn't have that last year.
I miss AW. This is the week he is decidedly absent. Twice in the past 5 days DJ and I asked the inevitable question-
"Is he still alive?"
We've been leaving him random notes and missing posters. I enjoy spontaneity like that.
On the plus side (for me) he has been officially rejected from Roosevelt's grad school program. It brings him one step closer to following me through finishing his undergrad business degree. If I go to Portland, he goes...Minneapolis, same. But he and I prefer Portland. I've ruled out NY in the back of my head. One, it doesn't appeal as much. Two, it is probably a long shot. My grades aren't that good. I despise this not knowing. I half know....and it drives me crazy. At least I'm sure I'm not coming back to good ol' RC.
Newfound irony: it wouldn't break me up if I became a modified version of my parents. This prospect used to bother me for a number of years up until.....2006. Last night he spoke of trying URTA's after a year. That thought made me really selfish because I thought he would stay wherever until I graduated. That's looking at about 3 years. Perhaps he'll move when I go abroad for a semester and that would make the transition easier. Off topic, oops- anywho, I'm ok with him waiting and us staying together going wherever we need to go career-wise. The other makes it work in whatever city. Eventually we'd figure out if we still want to get married or not.
(It seems I've figured out a different kind of 5 year plan. Is this bad??)
Yesss????
My life should not be about 5 year plans. I'd rather think in broad possibilities about my future. If I can't be sure about majors and careers, let's turn to my current relationship evolving from something serious to major life commitment. Good idea? Maybe not when I'm not even 20. I do cringe everytime I hear another classmate of mine is engaged/married/pregnant. I'm still very young.
So...plans? Short term is ok (after all, I do have to figure out my summer and my next school). But I still have until the end of this semester to have a general plan.
In the meantime....
mardi 28 mars 2006
this is me
i find myself not moving forward, except in very small baby steps. 6 weeks of school are left and within this time i feel as if i'm moving through the motions. i expect that is a similar feeling among all. i want to be finished, despite the uncertainty of summer post-Paris.
i was looking at potential summer school classes. nothing fits because i'm gone the entire month of june. i found Middlebury, which intreged me. I might do that next summer, French most likely.
I miss exploring. i miss my close friends. i miss growing. i wonder if staying in one place for 18 years make me feel like i should constantly move now that i'm older. leaving after 2 years....i feel that i need a fresh start. i liked being a freshman, just so i could find how life could work in a different place.
ironically, i've been improving on the subjects that interest me. i've had some good moments in French or with SH. I like that. I'm going to miss her. But I like that she understands my decision the best. Voice lessons have been ironically good. I'm not sure if its the level of study I've achieved or the lack of stress. Another good lesson and all that happened was me practicing for an hour last night and something clicking in my head today.
Things that make me happy right now:
1. Doing well on homework
2. Having nearly free weekends
3. Watching good movies
4. Listening to French radio
5. Having free evenings
6. Good voice lessons
7. Understanding more in my French class
8. Conversations with SH
9. Bleu, Blanc, Rouge
10. Knowing that I'm not goint to be here next year
11. Sleeping in on Tuesday and Thursday
12. Going to bed early
13. Paris at the end of the semester
14. Loving moments with AW
15. EC
16. Being independent
17. De-cluttering my room
18. Making random signs/letters with DJ
19. Knowing that the semester's more than half over
20. Probably being very close to a 4.0
i was looking at potential summer school classes. nothing fits because i'm gone the entire month of june. i found Middlebury, which intreged me. I might do that next summer, French most likely.
I miss exploring. i miss my close friends. i miss growing. i wonder if staying in one place for 18 years make me feel like i should constantly move now that i'm older. leaving after 2 years....i feel that i need a fresh start. i liked being a freshman, just so i could find how life could work in a different place.
ironically, i've been improving on the subjects that interest me. i've had some good moments in French or with SH. I like that. I'm going to miss her. But I like that she understands my decision the best. Voice lessons have been ironically good. I'm not sure if its the level of study I've achieved or the lack of stress. Another good lesson and all that happened was me practicing for an hour last night and something clicking in my head today.
Things that make me happy right now:
1. Doing well on homework
2. Having nearly free weekends
3. Watching good movies
4. Listening to French radio
5. Having free evenings
6. Good voice lessons
7. Understanding more in my French class
8. Conversations with SH
9. Bleu, Blanc, Rouge
10. Knowing that I'm not goint to be here next year
11. Sleeping in on Tuesday and Thursday
12. Going to bed early
13. Paris at the end of the semester
14. Loving moments with AW
15. EC
16. Being independent
17. De-cluttering my room
18. Making random signs/letters with DJ
19. Knowing that the semester's more than half over
20. Probably being very close to a 4.0
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