the temptation to sleep is quickly overriding my need to study. lesson number one, always get the requirred texts for each class. i'm missing the cd from my world music class- a class that's about expanding one's culture of music-aka, must listen to samples....well....
but i can fake well enough. if nothing else, i may steal someone's cd and burn it before the next test. but, i don't really know anyone in the class.
tomorrow's friday. this semester's end can't come soon enough. i don't even want to go on my spring break trip. i want it to be summer for 3 weeks (Paris!) and then i can go to a different school. everything is just so repetitive here. i'm sick of the monotony.
i'm tempted to scrap all involvement in the arts to just hobbies. no music/theatre/art major for me. i won't put in the time. i'm not an artist, just an artistic personality. i don't have any drive for creativity and perfection in a strange combination.
i need to move on from here. i feel so stuck in ways that i can't escape. time for a new something.
jeudi 9 février 2006
mardi 7 février 2006
so it seems i've gotten payback
in light of all the shittyness of yesterday....did i write a post about that?
1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face
So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.
is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?
things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.
1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face
So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.
is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?
things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.
lundi 6 février 2006
frustrated with apps....parents....etc
so...after my lovely phone conversation with mom i feel like giving up on this whole process. yes, i know slc is expensive and yes, i'm not confident on getting in. but i still want to try. it just this business of the breakdown and how they think being close to home would actually be good for me. it won't. i need to go away. i've been needing that for a long time.
nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.
i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.
i wish aw were back.
nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.
i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.
i wish aw were back.
samedi 4 février 2006
transfering business
it seems as if i've made my decision. Suddenly, I have college app preparation piling up on me. Essays, applications, transcripts, and the like all seem to be looming.
The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR
I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.
Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.
I feel like a lost high school senior again.
The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR
I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.
Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.
I feel like a lost high school senior again.
mardi 24 janvier 2006
it just keeps getting better
so from last night i have discerned this:
drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment
JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?
today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.
so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.
pissed off....unhappy....but not crying
drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment
JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?
today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.
so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.
pissed off....unhappy....but not crying
lundi 23 janvier 2006
breakdown, again
so....top events of the evening
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
get me the hell out of here
so, life seems much more dismal this week. day 2 of feeling like shit and wanting the entire city of Rockford to go away. this seems to be my mantra: i've managed not to string 2 sentences together for AW. God, I hate his clingyness when i'm like this. It's amazing how I was just as mushy as he last week. what bullshit.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
samedi 21 janvier 2006
.....
feeling sickish...headachy, weird esophagus/ chest thing going on. eating, swollowing is painful. not good...i'm rather small anyway and if i had little drive to eat....
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
mardi 17 janvier 2006
it begins
Oddly enough, this New Year finds me at a very strange beginning, one that I didn't anticipate. 3 days after my fabulous weekend with L and co in Minneapolis the pressure of last semester and everything surrounding it fell. I cried for 3 days and could hardly get out of bed. I didn't eat for almost the entire second day. I pushed away AW, who was coming to visit me. I didn't know who I was anymore.
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
guilty pleasure, and it triggers more posts
1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:00ish, but no class until noon
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
vendredi 9 décembre 2005
wow...high school...bleh
so after my fairly horrific week....
crappy monday
awful weird ass breakdown tuesday
studying for too many finals and going crazy wednesday
puking in the toilet multiple times, missing a final, and flunking one thursday
still feeling flu-ish and another final friday
make up final (yay, Dr S) and madly packing saturday
flying home to the even more barren wasteland sunday
i'm fairly abandoned in my room and slightly hungry- not wanting to venture out of my room to get food. its cold, i'm still sickish, and look like shit. i'm not that hungry.
i go to myspace (i'm not even on myspace, i just browse occassionally). found my ex's profile....weird, that whole thing (relationship) was weird. i found high school classmates, ones i didn't like.... i don't want to go home that badly. i want to go away from here to a place that's not a dorm. i hate dorms.
i need to move off campus next year.
maybe i will get food...i need to use up points.
crappy monday
awful weird ass breakdown tuesday
studying for too many finals and going crazy wednesday
puking in the toilet multiple times, missing a final, and flunking one thursday
still feeling flu-ish and another final friday
make up final (yay, Dr S) and madly packing saturday
flying home to the even more barren wasteland sunday
i'm fairly abandoned in my room and slightly hungry- not wanting to venture out of my room to get food. its cold, i'm still sickish, and look like shit. i'm not that hungry.
i go to myspace (i'm not even on myspace, i just browse occassionally). found my ex's profile....weird, that whole thing (relationship) was weird. i found high school classmates, ones i didn't like.... i don't want to go home that badly. i want to go away from here to a place that's not a dorm. i hate dorms.
i need to move off campus next year.
maybe i will get food...i need to use up points.
dimanche 27 novembre 2005
motivation?....where are you?
the last day of thanksgiving break. i don't think i've hardly moved in three days....glorious, yet the last 2 weeks of classes loom ahead....performance monday, auditions tuesday, lab test thursday, french oral exam friday, dance recital thursday or friday, juries saturday, vocal collective gigs saturday, concert sunday.........
meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.
what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.
ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.
but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.
meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.
what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.
ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.
but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.
samedi 26 novembre 2005
a severed wasp
[A wasp] was sucking jam on my plate and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam trickled from his esophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him.
-George Orwell, Collected Essays
vendredi 25 novembre 2005
couch
i've spent nearly the entire day on the couch. wonderful, yet disgusting at the same time. i've never been so relaxed or lazy all semester.
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
samedi 29 octobre 2005
"Dancing Through Life"......uncertainly
I find myself exceptionaly lost. This semester seems to be nothing but excessive stress leading to multiple sobbing sessions. I just couldn't seem to figure out what made me so unhappy. For the first time I've had multiple thoughts of leaving because I'm so overwhelmed. I never had that for a moment freshman year. So why is it killing me in sophomore one?
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
mardi 25 octobre 2005
wo hui shou zhong wen....yi di er
I don't even know if my spelling is right for that anymore.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
dimanche 25 septembre 2005
Too much everything
I need to drop out of my life, cut some things, and plunge back in. My load seems entirely too heavy with all of my classes and extra curriculars. I have 2 tests tomorrow and I really haven't even started studying for either...at least not hard-core memorization. If I just had my classes and nothing else...or even if I just had that and student government. I'm seriously going to fail this semester. At least that's the way it feels right now. Never again. I just have to make it through this semester without killing myself.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
mardi 13 septembre 2005
relaxtion of the weekend wearing off
Portland was lovely. lovely, because i was actually able to enjoy myself....forget the stress of college. its week 3. i can't slow down.....it just keeps getting to me. i'm trying very hard not to let it weigh me down. but it gets hard with missing lunch 4 out of 5 days a week, not coming home until 7, and having homework and rehearsals to worry about.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
lundi 5 septembre 2005
my own
i love this feeling of being free. i am sheltered, but from a far. this going to portland business would be so much better if i wasn't staying with my parents. but then again, this is a family wedding....so.... but i am navigating the airport by myself....but i have been through o'hare several times.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
dimanche 4 septembre 2005
Beginning Again
First post of the school year. I've spent my summer on an awful Internet connection with no time for trivial things like posting.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
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