Maybe I'll have to transfer everything into here now. A said he still reads my other blog and I know it pains him to hear about AW. So for the sake of my own sanity I might just abandon the other blog. I so badly want to sever ties with him. To separate would be the best, he's continually reaching out and I'm trying to push him away with out being cruel. It isn't working. He already thinks I'm a cruel and insensitive bitch. Maybe I am, but let me be. I don't care anymore and I'm tired of his manipulative bullshit he keeps pulling on me. It's better for us to be separated. Yes, maybe we can be friends one day.....one day far from now once he's moved past his pain and isn't in love with me anymore.

AW is in a similar situation. He feels the need to put life on hold so he can sort himself out. I don't blame him, he's overloaded and it's slowly wearing him down. I seem to be his confidante, which I like. I've been somewhat reassured that I'm not just here for his amusement. He's actually holding back because he's sensible. He knows he doesn't have the time to devote a relationship and believes I don't either, which is true. It would be completely out of character for me to jump from one to another. But I asked him last night in a game of truth or dare where how he viewed me and where he saw this going. Basically, he replied we'd continue to get to know each other and have fun with this. We don't want to be all mopey when we have to split for the summer. Both of us will be working and most likely in our home states. But he told me he wasn't planning on pursuing any other girls.

We have an interesting relationship. Both of us continually hold back in one way or another. I think he's trying to keep his feelings for me at surface level for sanity purposes. I'm trying to do the same thing. Both of us are extremely attracted to one another and have on multiple occasions were fighting back the urge for sex. I don't know how intimate I want to be with him if we're not officially labeled, but we practically are anyways. I was at dinner and J was asking me about homecoming and if I were going with anyone. I said AW if I could twist his arm...both M and S replied I'd have no trouble. They all probably know AW and I are make out buddies. It's actually a good stress reliever. And in multiple ways because we tend to vent to one another.

I keep envisioning my parents....they met when Mom was a freshman in college. Hmm? Wishful thinking, definetly. He'll be here 2 years and then off to grad school. I'll be here 4 and am also thinking about grad school...or trying to find work in the business. But its just a foolish notion....he even fits my choir theory.

I feel the need to define myself. To find aspects and amend them. Not sure why exactly except because of AW and this whatever the hell it is. But after talking with him last night I realized that even if we were to end up in a relationship nothing would change between us....nothing.

So some guidelines for myself and my view of self. I want to be self confident without the reassurance of others. Far too often do I look for compliments from the boys I'm dating. I don't need them. I know I'm beautiful. I like being independent and not tied, but at the same time have an object of my affection. I like being sexually experienced but don't want to be labeled as a whore. So instead I'll not be timid and enjoy things. I'm not to be caught up in worrying about being hurt. I'll just live life and not over analyze things....especially "relationships".

But I realized I have to be writing a paragraph so I can go out without guilt tonight.

a few precious minutes before my next class and i decide to say screw homework and blog. i'm in one of those contemplative moods today...aloof and unsure.....and i think i fall into the aloofness because i don't know a better way to be without being embarassed....those times when you don't have anything to say and feel dumb about it, even though having something to say wouldn't matter anyway.

i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.

i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.

What do I do? I'm caught in an awful predicament, the only thing that would make it better is to know that AW is in it with me. It finally happened, I knew it was going to and I wanted it to....but I'm finally facing the reality of it. AW finally made his move, after about a week and a half. After AM and SD left last night I stayed and watched Family Guy in his room. Things were like how they were Friday night. We were cuddling but nothing more. After awhile I brought it up, because it was obvious we both had feelings for each other, regardless of the signifigant others we had back home. He was caught just as I was...torn between his girlfriend of 2 years who was far away and had been far away for a long time. I was torn between this amazing guy right here, versus the one I had left at home. We started talking about it and I began stroking his face lightly. I stopped and he wanted me to keep going. And then we kissed, and kissed and kissed. He's a completely different style than the other guys I've kissed before. He's so soft and gentle...very tender and loving. Versus forceful and wet with a lot of tongue. I liked it, that's how I would rather it be. So we made out multiple times and it didn't go that far. I ended up sleeping in his bed since it was 4 in the morning and he wanted me to stay.

So we slept in the same bed, side by side....like A and I had done...occassional when we were both awake we'd caress one another....I stayed in his bed until he had to get up for work. So I'll spend the day sleeping and doing homework before I call him tonight after work.

I'm not sure about this...I know I'm going to break it off with A soon. Besides the cheating...my interest is being too easily swayed and the love in downsizing into just friend status. I'm not sure when I'll do it. AW said we'll not be together initially...so we can break off relationships and settle in a little better. He doesn't want to change directions that drastically right now. But he assured me that nothing will be weird between us. We'll be friends with benefits. I trust him. He could have pushed last night, but didn't. He could have made his move last week, but he didn't. But he had his eye on me before we ate dinner and met at school for the first time last wednesday.

And A sent me an e-mail about how confident he is about the relationship. He's so optimist. I'm going to crush him. I'm afraid to phone him...I'll resort to e-mail and probably break it off next week.

But I'm going to take a nap before I do homework.

Good/Weird/etc Day

I’m finally getting settled in at school. I had an odd day of just everything. My parents came at lunch and gave me my new fridge and groceries. I told them about concerns with my roommate and the hope that she’d be gone by Thanksgiving/ Christmas whatever. Turns out she’s leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, but its due to financial reasons. I feel bad because I was extremely two-faced to her when she told me. And then we started getting to know each other tonight and I thought maybe we would co-exist. But I’m secretly happy. I get a single room now. She said she’d hopefully be back Spring semester, but I’m figuring no.

Most weirdness of the day: An upper class theatre major, AS befriended me. I ran into him today and ended up wandering off with him. Talking to various staff today and whatnot. Lost my group and ended up eating dinner with him. Basically I’ve hung out with him for a good portion of the day. He doesn’t mind my company. I kept asking him if I’m like a freshman leach or something. But yeah, we’ll be good friends. He’s like my induction into the department. But it was really amusing when I had a comment from and OL about us as a couple or whatever….no. We’re both taken and just good friends. Nevertheless I had to chuckle. Here I am a lowly freshman apparently snagging a junior. Even though I’m not.

And AS reminds me of someone...I realized tonight at the social who. K, the theatre aquantence who will forever have me tangled up in his web of intrigue. I will always have a thing for him even though he doesn’t particularily like me.. But AS’s face and personality (if he were friendly to me) really remind me of K. Ironic no? Yeah….so, hopefully that will not into evolve into an attraction that would be unwelcome for the both of us.

Our toilet is plugged. That will make my day so much better tomorrow. I have a work study job, yes! I’m excited to work in the scene shop. I still need my ID, turn in my health forms, and my books….not to mention I have to stop by IT and get my passwords. Eh...and my checking account, whenever that happens.

Sleep is good. Hopefully I won’t have another insomniac bought like the last 2 nights.

I've come to the conclusion it is all right for one to have secrets. A was being paranoid that just because I was slightly depressed over maslc being over and such that we were going to break up. Of course, he didn't know my sad mood was caused by maslc. Instead his head jumped to conclusions- I was in love with someone else....

Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.

So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.

stupid something that made me lose this extra long post...grr

anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.

ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.

so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.

but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...

i'm waiting to fly
to spread my wings and soar
far above everything i've ever known
fly to my place in the sky
in the big wide world, surrounded by lights
will i make it? i don't know
but i've got to try

i've waiting to fly
away from these people, this place
so near and dear to my heart, but not
most i never will see again
but those i will miss
those who will form a void

love and loss
will it happen to me?
probably, but i don't want to stop it
commitment is crazy right now
marriage so far away
despite everything i want to keep him in my life

will the inevitable happen?
will we cause each other pain?
letting this distance further separate us
making us stray from something so wonderful
because we need to satisfy this need
this longing
for a companion, to be loved
we love each other, but is it enough
is it ever enough?

relationship going nowhere
passion subsides
love is still there
perhaps more than it ever was
friendship growing
does it outweigh the romance?
forced to go farther
wanting to hold back, but am i jeoprodizing this
no...hold firm
too much put into physical
overrated
but yet, its stopped

i'm flying away
i can't stop it
i don't want to stop it
i'm leaving
and leaving him behind
for better or for worse
gone

for some reason whenever i write in here i feel more free, like i'm not putting up a front for anyone. that is highly unlikely, save A. i guess i just feel the need to protect him, and from what i gather he does the same for me. we're just 2 vunerable people trying not to get hurt but clinging to each other in the process. but at the same time, do we completely spill everything because we have this label? we haven't known each other deeply for a long time...3 months.

last night in my car as i brought up the topic concerning our relationship while i'm at college...i guess it just scared me that he seemed so sure of our commitment. i want to be unattached when i'm at college. i want to be free to meet new guys and maybe have relationships with them...or at least be able to flirt or go a bit farther and not feel guilty. i wouldn't cheat but the temptation would be enough to make me be guilty.

yet, adric talks of marriage and of still being here for me when i come back for christmas and spring break. i feel the need to separate from everything and leave my small hometown as a separate world that will function on its own and i'm simply not a direct part of it anymore. i've wanted this for a long time...i've mentioned it before in my other blog, the need to sever ties. i won't destroy them, but i need to leave.

but i keep running into this issue about me....i'm afraid of commitment and greatly value my independence, sometimes too much. what i like about the people who are constant fixtures in my life is i can go off and do my own thing but when i need/want someone around they'll be there for me-for the superifical or for the larger issues. my parents, my friends are perfect examples.

but i've decided that decision is best left until august...right before i leave. in the meantime, i'll just enjoy what i have because A makes me really happy.

annoyed little comment that would be better if i put it here:

A is telling me things about LK being a liar, manipulative, etc. he told me how she kept trying to steal him from me when we were first dating. i'm tempted to not believe him, at least not to the full extent. yeah, there was probably a bit of that going on, but i don't think its as severe as he's telling me. let it blow over....he's caught up with LK playing with C, his friend. i'm not going to get involved. i just need to know how much he's escalading it. i'm thinking i'm just being fed terrible gossip that's been twisted, whether or not he believes it remains to be seen. here is another instance where i'm noticing the age/ maturity gap.

when one is in a relationship, do they compromise their identity? i'm beginning to think i have. i'm starting to hide things, my true feelings, from A- the reason for this blog. i cam so close to breaking it off with him. i wanted to, i wanted him to go away so i'd never be bothered. if he was going to kill himself, it wouldn't be my problem to worry about because dammit i don't need this. but something happened, he pleaded with me and told me that i was the one who's helping him through this by just being there and i'm selfish if he can't have someone to hug him while he's going through a difficult period and he didn't want to lose me. he promised to find ways to get better and to have and use a larger support system. and suddenly i didn't want to break up with him anymore. i believe him when he says he will get better. and i do want to be there for him, even if i don't know how.

so the relationship is renewed, but i'm wondering if i made the right decision. am i lying to myself? why can't i just be selfish and be self absorbed in my own life? why i can't i just finish high school, work this summer, and go off go college? maybe i'm not meant to be anyone's girlfriend. maybe the concept is too much for me too grasp, maybe i go above and beyond, maybe i pick the wrong guy. its good for awhile then things turn sour. i'm currently hopeful right now and i don't want to abandon him. but is this just going to be an awful cycle? are we right for each other?

when A was being a self-absorbed depressed asshole at prom and i was on the brink of breaking up with him and taking him home....i ended up dancing with B, who happened to be LK's prom date. B was so nice to me. both he and C, LK's best friend asked my why I was still with A and advised me to get out of it. B was telling me men are pigs and i should avoid them entirely. He told me I could do better than A, so why am I doing this to myself? He genuinely cared, even though i hardly know him. and then after we finished group slow dancing a second time we stayed out there fast dancing for a bit. god, that was the best part of the dance, to have people sympathize with me.

god, i don't know anymore. my mind keeps swinging, should i or shouldn't i? i don't know...i have no fucking clue. i need to see how this goes, if things get better....i think and hope they will get better. i was really enjoying being around A at post prom and before and after the almost breakup. he told me he had a moment of that with LK at about the same time in their relationship.

S, if you're reading....i need to know about how i am as a person. do i care about people? i just need an opinion, a reminder about how i come off towards people.

why am i suddenly almost crying? i can't explain my emotions....

i started this based on S's advice: get a new blog if you feel you can't spill yourself. for that is a blog's purpose. i guess i made that mistake when i gave my address to A, my current bf. suddenly i have thoughts running through my head i don't want him reading. i'm doing this to protect him, but mostly myself.

let me start at the beginning: A and i have been together officially 2 months yesterday. things started out wonderfully, but then as i got to know him i became more aware of his negative qualities. A came off a year and a half relationship with a friend of mine, LK. she broke it off and so far A has not gotten over her, despite it being 4 months and 2 girls later. he throws himself into fits of depression and tries to manipulate LK and I into feeling sorry for him, threatening suicide and such. last week he did this to LK thursday and saturday....he did this to me saturday. i talked to him on the phone because it was the only thing i knew to do. afterwards i told mom about it, because i knew it was too big for me to handle on my own. she made me realize A is manipulating the 2 of us, and confessed she percieved him as being really needy. A and I are different. i have a really good family and support system, he comes off as not having that. his parents are split and he had a rough childhood. i guess he dramatizes it into being more than it could be. but there again, i don't know A that well.

from there on i decide i have to break it off with A because i can't be manipulated like this and his not being over LK will only get worse with me being there. my only problem: prom, which is this week and i have to go with him because of arrangement and that stuff. so i'm bidding my time...

except i have these moments of the way things used to be. i still love him, or at least care about him...and he says he loves me and i believe it. things could probably be better if he were over LK, but from what Lk has told me his manipulation will never change. so i'm hoping prom will go well. i feel awful holding on to this until after prom, because i promised i won't string him along. but the truth is I am going back and forth on this issue. at the moment i wouldn't do it. i have to see how things are after prom. i don't like to think about it, frankly. but it is a strain of guilt that's laying on me. i just want to give him a second chance and forget about it so i can ignore this guilt. i want it to go away, and i'm going to try to avoid LK to not have A go into one of his depressed moments....god, why am i doing this? but i'm determined to have fun. and he's looking forward to it, save one aspect....

yes, this is what that nagging feeling in my mind was telling me. now i have something to satisfy when i have this urge to be on my own again. i want to be single. looking at me and my track record, maybe i'm just not meant to have a long-term relationship. my longest is 3 months, which was 2 years ago. right now i'd settle for a random makeout session