thinking, good...plans, bad?

so...this is what happens when i've suddenly regained energy after a day of being sleepy. apparently going to bed at midnight (not bad) and rising at 7:00 to finish studying leaves me tired for the day but awake after not having class for 3 hours. How I love being one of those people that's more awake after 10 pm.

I finally bought my plane ticket to Paris.

I may be getting a real job this summer...for 2 months. Let's see if I can swing this. My summer: 1. Paris 2. work/EC in Fresno/college visits??? Then again, I could use a relaxing summer. I didn't have that last year.

I miss AW. This is the week he is decidedly absent. Twice in the past 5 days DJ and I asked the inevitable question-

"Is he still alive?"

We've been leaving him random notes and missing posters. I enjoy spontaneity like that.

On the plus side (for me) he has been officially rejected from Roosevelt's grad school program. It brings him one step closer to following me through finishing his undergrad business degree. If I go to Portland, he goes...Minneapolis, same. But he and I prefer Portland. I've ruled out NY in the back of my head. One, it doesn't appeal as much. Two, it is probably a long shot. My grades aren't that good. I despise this not knowing. I half know....and it drives me crazy. At least I'm sure I'm not coming back to good ol' RC.

Newfound irony: it wouldn't break me up if I became a modified version of my parents. This prospect used to bother me for a number of years up until.....2006. Last night he spoke of trying URTA's after a year. That thought made me really selfish because I thought he would stay wherever until I graduated. That's looking at about 3 years. Perhaps he'll move when I go abroad for a semester and that would make the transition easier. Off topic, oops- anywho, I'm ok with him waiting and us staying together going wherever we need to go career-wise. The other makes it work in whatever city. Eventually we'd figure out if we still want to get married or not.

(It seems I've figured out a different kind of 5 year plan. Is this bad??)

Yesss????

My life should not be about 5 year plans. I'd rather think in broad possibilities about my future. If I can't be sure about majors and careers, let's turn to my current relationship evolving from something serious to major life commitment. Good idea? Maybe not when I'm not even 20. I do cringe everytime I hear another classmate of mine is engaged/married/pregnant. I'm still very young.

So...plans? Short term is ok (after all, I do have to figure out my summer and my next school). But I still have until the end of this semester to have a general plan.

In the meantime....

this is me

i find myself not moving forward, except in very small baby steps. 6 weeks of school are left and within this time i feel as if i'm moving through the motions. i expect that is a similar feeling among all. i want to be finished, despite the uncertainty of summer post-Paris.

i was looking at potential summer school classes. nothing fits because i'm gone the entire month of june. i found Middlebury, which intreged me. I might do that next summer, French most likely.

I miss exploring. i miss my close friends. i miss growing. i wonder if staying in one place for 18 years make me feel like i should constantly move now that i'm older. leaving after 2 years....i feel that i need a fresh start. i liked being a freshman, just so i could find how life could work in a different place.

ironically, i've been improving on the subjects that interest me. i've had some good moments in French or with SH. I like that. I'm going to miss her. But I like that she understands my decision the best. Voice lessons have been ironically good. I'm not sure if its the level of study I've achieved or the lack of stress. Another good lesson and all that happened was me practicing for an hour last night and something clicking in my head today.

Things that make me happy right now:

1. Doing well on homework
2. Having nearly free weekends
3. Watching good movies
4. Listening to French radio
5. Having free evenings
6. Good voice lessons
7. Understanding more in my French class
8. Conversations with SH
9. Bleu, Blanc, Rouge
10. Knowing that I'm not goint to be here next year
11. Sleeping in on Tuesday and Thursday
12. Going to bed early
13. Paris at the end of the semester
14. Loving moments with AW
15. EC
16. Being independent
17. De-cluttering my room
18. Making random signs/letters with DJ
19. Knowing that the semester's more than half over
20. Probably being very close to a 4.0

aujourd'hui

i'm in one of those weird moods of non-boredum, but little motivation. i'm dilgently moving through my homework, but it's not sticking. it doesn't need to....i don't have anything due for tomorrow, save practicing songs for voice lessons. as of yet i still have to review French because there were parts on the last test that didn't quite solidify

tell me, why is it that when i try to listen to a French radio station, 50% of the songs are in english and i know them?....currently playing- "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by some pop group of the late 90's. I remember that song's popularity when I was in late elementary school.

EC wants me to visit her in Fresno this summer. I'd really like to, but unfortunatly I'm afraid of being held whim to the financial restraints of my Paris trip. Instead, I think if I left at least a month or more between vacations I'd be ok. I'd love a long weekend/ almost a week with her. This summer will be slightly dull, since I don't have anything besides my Paris trip.

tired

notes and notes for my powerpoint presentation/ 10 minute talk on impressionism. my hand is very tired, but i believe i'm done with research and just have to set up my organization and powerpoint. I have all day tomorrow and a good portion of wednesday to make this happen. i think i'm on track. i'm actually really excited about it.

my last 2 application parts were faxed to Sarah Lawrence today. I'm very happy those are taken care of. i won't hear from them until the end of april. that will make for either very happy news or news i can easily brush off.

i was talking to SH about transferring....rather she was asking me how i felt about it. i guess its real to me, but not. i feel like i have to move on, but i may wonder if i've made the right decision. i'm fairly negative about this place, but i still have things that i like about it. i still like the academic environment.

i just wonder how many of my choices will pull through. will the wait list of lewis and clark be symbolic of macalester and sarah lawrence?

friday, thank god

end of the week...still many things to do this weekend, but at least i don't have classes. i'm a bit worried about my 10 minute powerpoint presentation on wednesday- no research yet, just a topic. there's also this play i'm doing again on sunday and i have to rememorize lines and blocking....yay.

mostly, i'm just happy i have some spare time. i'm still a bit worried about college apps. yes, i've already had acceptances from 2 schools, but they're my safety schools. i really really want to go to lewis and clark...mostly because of location and their chinese program on top of everything else that i want. and they're on the cheaper side. my missing application parts for the other 2 have just frazzled me this week. i'm betting i really won't get in to the others, and i haven't even completely sent my application yet.

i looked at the course descriptions for rockford today to see if there was anything that interested me. fren 203, a cool french revolution class with Dr. S (my favorite). i could take advanced rhetoric and get that out of the way...otherwise i'd probably finish some gen eds and decide what to major in. they're offering thai chi for an activity credit....i'd love to take that class. i'm just considering my options. if i stayed i'd have to move off campus, which creates an extra set of problems. who would i live with and where? issue of car and insurance? would i need an extra job to pay my bills? most likely i would transfer....

at this moment augsburg is my top choice. it would be even cooler if EC came with me....but she is accepted into the London program and is considering her options for staying. but if all goes well for me and lewis and clark i probably wouldn't go to augsburg. but at least i'd be in an urban area and nearby to R and culture and not too far or to close to home. i'd probably have a car....or the option of one for coming home.

but bottom line, i'm tired of school right now. i'm not sure what i'll do this summer after paris besides my research project....maybe i'll finally work....perhaps i need to bum around for the summer to get excited about college again. next semester i'm taking a reasonable course load. 16 credits or something, especially if they're all gen eds.

today and last week

after spring break...good and bad. i had another moment of sobbing and not wanting to go. the reasons became clear to me later in the week. My aunt M died. She died the night when I was upset, and on sunday no one knew yet that she was dead. I believe she reached out to me and I didn't know how to deal with it.

I flew home for the funeral. I've been back since monday.

Today i'm feeling really sick. My acid reflux seems pretty consistant. If it is related to stress than its triggered by the awful food at burpee....at least that's my logic. AW says I should go to Lang tomorrow and ask about which hospitial I should go....i have insurance through the school. I spent all afternoon sleeping instead of working. I have a large French test tomorrow and I have to work a forum tonight.

I keep wondering if something more serious is wrong with me. Maybe with all of the digestive health problems in my family...have i gotten something, too.

I have to be downstairs in a few minutes. Lets see if i have the stamina to get through tonight and the rest of the week,

florida?

It's been a particularily stressful week. Midterms, yes, but I only had two and they weren't very taxing. Instead, I had a grant proposal and lots of work for TA and Vocal Collective. 10 hours is entirely too much for someone who only works 8ish. Plus, I'd missed many meals this week...another this that seems to trigger bad moods.

Last night, I saw AW's sister in Grease. High school musical, etc etc. She played Rizzo and did a fabulous job. Perhaps a future in it? Anywho...it just seemed to....upset me. I'm not sure why. Maybe something to do with me completely severing myself from theatre. I seem to think complete deprivation would be the best way to heal from my bad experience. I realized it was too painful to be even going to see shows. I guess what really made it hurt is seeing myself 2-3 eariler and being happy and passionate. I found my drive in theatre....but it doesn't exist anymore. I had a weird vision of going to my next school and auditioning for something, perhaps getting a good part. Now, I'm not sure if I can even do that.

I think me being around it sometimes is just too painful. But, theatre is such a large of part of the people who are close to me. AW is going to grad school for theatre. My parents run my hometown community theatre. They both act, direct, build, design, produce.... I can't get away from it.

I lost it while I was at AW's last night. I left because I was crying and decided to come downstairs to seek comfort. Bad idea. I just got into a fight with AW because he just asked me to explain why I was crying. I can never explain to the point of his approval in those situations. He kept asking me why and I could only tell him why in general statements. He got really pissed at me when I started surmizing about mental illness. I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep.

I didn't want to go to Florida with Vocal Collective. I kept thinking how easy it would be if I could go to O Hare and get on a plane to Fargo instead. My parents would pick me up. They'd be happy, but sad. Every sign that I'm not functioning properly makes them more concerned and less likely to let me go away next year.

At that point I would have said, "Fine, I'll go to school in Minnesota. I'll even apply to Concordia for you. I won't consider acceptances from Lewis & Clark or Sarah Lawrence. I just want to come home."

I still want to do that. I felt better initially this morning. I'm all alone in AW's house. I kept myself busy by getting ready and rearranging my suitcase. Now, I have nothing to do but dwell on last night's feelings. Thinking about it again, I realized I don't want to go.

AW told me last night- If I don't go to Florida, consider myself out of the Vocal Collective and losing 3000 dollars of scholarship money. It's only the money that's tying me to stay in the group. I don't like it. If it wasn't scholarship choir, I wouldn't have been in it this semester. Plus, my job. I really do like my job, but I wish I could be annoynomus in it. I don't want to be in every choir to get a better handle on things.

I'll probably end up going. I may end up calling my parents just to get thorugh the trip. But there are tears in my eyes as I'm typing so maybe I won't function so well. Maybe I should bring Kleenex with me. This reminds me of when I was flying back to Rockford. I cried a lot the night before and the morning I was flying. I don't want to go to Florida.

I don't want to go.

Restless and lazy

After a rather long week, here I sit watching Donnie Darko. I have miscellanous personal things to do, but I'm not inclined to move. I've spent my open day working...VC, French class grant proposal, etc.

I was talking to EC today. She's very happy to be going home to California for break- her life has been really shitty the past month. She's had it much, much worse than I have. All the same, I envy her for going home. I'm not really wanting to go to Florida; it won't be a vacation for me. This choir tour will be in the middle of MASLC and my high school trip. I'm thinking it will be more like the later, something I'm not looking forward to. I only wish I were going home because I don't want to be with the people in VC for a week. I don't want to perform. I just want to relax.

And I'm afraid of sunburns.

Tomorrow:
no 9:00 class, I love MD
theory...grrr
11:00 mtg for French grant
choir....bleh
French!
Work? most likely....i'm already over my quota for the week...no rest
VC rehearsal
bank/ shoe shopping
VC concert
Leave for Wisconsin with AW?

I'm very tired.

past, present, future

past: talking to one of my friends from high school on msn. i feel so old and so removed from that place and that group of friends. she hasn't changed, despite life experiences. i wonder if i haven't changed either. we're asking the usual questions, giving the usual responses....online small talk. i know that i can never go back to Elbow Lake.

present: my transfer apps are finished. all i have to do is sit and wait. meanwhile spring break is a week away. time will determine if my break will actually be relaxing. i'm not sure. school is seeming less stressful since my apps are done.

future: in the meantime, its fun to think about where i'll be in the future. i wonder if i'll be excepted everywhere?

fucking acid reflux...grrr

so...i'm back to being allergic to burpee food. a dull and constant ache in my esphogus is not how i want to spend my day. but there is a thunderstorm outside and apparently it's really slippery. such strange february weather in IL. SS told me i was allowed to be lazy since its so terrible out. I was going to write a college app essay, no avail.

i actually have to get moving on all of that. I want all of it done by Mondayish. Not that much time. I still have 3 to write and i have to finish certain portions of my application.

time for sex and the city

essays

what have i learned? in academia, in life, my own identity....i need something great to prove that i'm more than just a piece of paper. i have a personality and its real.

I spent all of my advanced acting class trying to find me. The entire concept of it seems cliche; why should people who present other characters find their personalities? The actor must be honest. For the entire semester I tried to lose my "acting charade" and be real. In a strange way, my acting class mirrored my personal battles that semester.

I had spent 19 years carving out my personality and how I presented it to the world. Everytime I stepped out of the bubble of my small hometown, I would find refuge in the girl seeing the world from her aloof viewpoint. I learned to listen rather than talk. For someone surrounded by people with a more worldly opinions, it seemed the safe thing to do.

I returned to find myself equally removed from my comfortable environment. I formed my identity as the artistic girl. My interests were theatre, art, music, and trying to make myself appear unique in a school full of generic blonde clones. I succeeded.

In college, I found myself returning to the same aloof security. This time I was in the theatre department. I could no longer find my uniqueness in being "the girl that's into theatre". Instead, I let them do the talking. I listened to their outrageous stories and their gossip. I listened to them backstab their friends and bitch about cast lists.

red kimono

after having spent most of my day lounging about watching sex in the city, i seem to emerge from it playfully bored and am lounging around the room in my red kimono bathrobe. it's strangely hot in here....the fan is going and the window is open (it is winter after all, and most likely below freezing...). i wait for AW to finish work. i've packed and that seems to be all i'm capable of for the moment. hell, i'm not even dressed.

i feel like i should be sipping a glass of wine or a cosmo. i'm listening to old jazz standards and thinking i should be wearing diamonds, heels, and drinking alcohol. too much exposure to the life of a thirty-something? but, everything i'm wanting in my life now, or for future, aspires to be that of a thiry-something. god, how i want my own place and the ability to pay for it.

sometimes the "privilege" of being a college student seems to disappear. these are supposed to be the years when one finishes molding their adult identity. i feel like i've taken steps forward only to find i've fallen down a flight of stairs. i feel like i'm a sophomore in high school with only the memory of the journey to remind me that i'm near 20 instead of 16.

have i learned anything from this?

"you go to my head..." last spring break in ny- my rendezvous with K. hey sang that song in radio hour a million years ago. i oddly miss him. he was so lovely to me, much more wonderful that i ever expected. we were never close. i had the feeling if his gf hadn't been there, and if we weren't so....reserved...well, i would have done it. that doesn't mean anything though. i did always have this weird feeling that we were supposed to end up together.

AW- that's a whole new chapter in my life. fall of 2004 was completely different than now. we go from being "good friends" to extremely-serious-maybe-we'll-get-married-in-a-few-years. i'm very happy with him and it surprises me that i can be so happy with him. it seems like only recently have we reached the honeymoon stage....a year and a half, almost 2. my longest relationship, thus far. the only way i can imagine it falling apart is distance and one or both slipping. knowing me, i'd be the likely culprit to do it.

almost an hour to departure time. i better get dressed.

procrastination

the temptation to sleep is quickly overriding my need to study. lesson number one, always get the requirred texts for each class. i'm missing the cd from my world music class- a class that's about expanding one's culture of music-aka, must listen to samples....well....

but i can fake well enough. if nothing else, i may steal someone's cd and burn it before the next test. but, i don't really know anyone in the class.

tomorrow's friday. this semester's end can't come soon enough. i don't even want to go on my spring break trip. i want it to be summer for 3 weeks (Paris!) and then i can go to a different school. everything is just so repetitive here. i'm sick of the monotony.

i'm tempted to scrap all involvement in the arts to just hobbies. no music/theatre/art major for me. i won't put in the time. i'm not an artist, just an artistic personality. i don't have any drive for creativity and perfection in a strange combination.

i need to move on from here. i feel so stuck in ways that i can't escape. time for a new something.

so it seems i've gotten payback

in light of all the shittyness of yesterday....did i write a post about that?

1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face

So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.

is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?

things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.

frustrated with apps....parents....etc

so...after my lovely phone conversation with mom i feel like giving up on this whole process. yes, i know slc is expensive and yes, i'm not confident on getting in. but i still want to try. it just this business of the breakdown and how they think being close to home would actually be good for me. it won't. i need to go away. i've been needing that for a long time.

nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.

i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.

i wish aw were back.

transfering business

it seems as if i've made my decision. Suddenly, I have college app preparation piling up on me. Essays, applications, transcripts, and the like all seem to be looming.

The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR

I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.

Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.

I feel like a lost high school senior again.

it just keeps getting better

so from last night i have discerned this:

drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment

JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?

today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.

so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.


pissed off....unhappy....but not crying

breakdown, again

so....top events of the evening

sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes

i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.

things that make me happy here

EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job

things that make me unhappy here

reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends

well...i don't think i should stay.

yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.

post.

get me the hell out of here

so, life seems much more dismal this week. day 2 of feeling like shit and wanting the entire city of Rockford to go away. this seems to be my mantra: i've managed not to string 2 sentences together for AW. God, I hate his clingyness when i'm like this. It's amazing how I was just as mushy as he last week. what bullshit.

instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.

I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?

ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.

.....

feeling sickish...headachy, weird esophagus/ chest thing going on. eating, swollowing is painful. not good...i'm rather small anyway and if i had little drive to eat....

otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.

should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.

school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.

i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.