the last day of thanksgiving break. i don't think i've hardly moved in three days....glorious, yet the last 2 weeks of classes loom ahead....performance monday, auditions tuesday, lab test thursday, french oral exam friday, dance recital thursday or friday, juries saturday, vocal collective gigs saturday, concert sunday.........
meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.
what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.
ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.
but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.
dimanche 27 novembre 2005
samedi 26 novembre 2005
a severed wasp
[A wasp] was sucking jam on my plate and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam trickled from his esophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him.
-George Orwell, Collected Essays
vendredi 25 novembre 2005
couch
i've spent nearly the entire day on the couch. wonderful, yet disgusting at the same time. i've never been so relaxed or lazy all semester.
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
samedi 29 octobre 2005
"Dancing Through Life"......uncertainly
I find myself exceptionaly lost. This semester seems to be nothing but excessive stress leading to multiple sobbing sessions. I just couldn't seem to figure out what made me so unhappy. For the first time I've had multiple thoughts of leaving because I'm so overwhelmed. I never had that for a moment freshman year. So why is it killing me in sophomore one?
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
mardi 25 octobre 2005
wo hui shou zhong wen....yi di er
I don't even know if my spelling is right for that anymore.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
dimanche 25 septembre 2005
Too much everything
I need to drop out of my life, cut some things, and plunge back in. My load seems entirely too heavy with all of my classes and extra curriculars. I have 2 tests tomorrow and I really haven't even started studying for either...at least not hard-core memorization. If I just had my classes and nothing else...or even if I just had that and student government. I'm seriously going to fail this semester. At least that's the way it feels right now. Never again. I just have to make it through this semester without killing myself.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
mardi 13 septembre 2005
relaxtion of the weekend wearing off
Portland was lovely. lovely, because i was actually able to enjoy myself....forget the stress of college. its week 3. i can't slow down.....it just keeps getting to me. i'm trying very hard not to let it weigh me down. but it gets hard with missing lunch 4 out of 5 days a week, not coming home until 7, and having homework and rehearsals to worry about.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
lundi 5 septembre 2005
my own
i love this feeling of being free. i am sheltered, but from a far. this going to portland business would be so much better if i wasn't staying with my parents. but then again, this is a family wedding....so.... but i am navigating the airport by myself....but i have been through o'hare several times.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
dimanche 4 septembre 2005
Beginning Again
First post of the school year. I've spent my summer on an awful Internet connection with no time for trivial things like posting.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
dimanche 8 mai 2005
brink of finals
tomorrow commences finals week. a week from today i'll be back in minnesota. i'm not sure how i feel about that. when school was closing in around me i really wanted to leave. now, i want to be away. i just want to go somewhere else. this is going to be the only summer i spend at home. every other summer i'm going to work or go to school or something. i am not going back again. it's just a freshman thing.
i've been going off campus a lot lately. it saves me.....keeps me from tearing my hair out. i'm tired of school, but i hate being so cramped.
I'm oddly wishing for L and S. I e-mailed S last week...telling her I'll be in Portland briefly next fall. I haven't seen her since SLH 2001, so long ago. we've changed so much....and for me they've been the biggest changes of my life. i'm unsure what that meeting would entail. but i hope that we have enough other kindred qualtities that didn't change with growing up that much more. L at least is closer to me....distance-wise. I miss them both. I want a female confidante. AW suits me well....especially since we've been able to spend more time together.
Math final tomorrow...sleeping to be done....studying in the morning
i've been going off campus a lot lately. it saves me.....keeps me from tearing my hair out. i'm tired of school, but i hate being so cramped.
I'm oddly wishing for L and S. I e-mailed S last week...telling her I'll be in Portland briefly next fall. I haven't seen her since SLH 2001, so long ago. we've changed so much....and for me they've been the biggest changes of my life. i'm unsure what that meeting would entail. but i hope that we have enough other kindred qualtities that didn't change with growing up that much more. L at least is closer to me....distance-wise. I miss them both. I want a female confidante. AW suits me well....especially since we've been able to spend more time together.
Math final tomorrow...sleeping to be done....studying in the morning
jeudi 28 avril 2005
writers block
why is this strangely reminiscent of last year during classic novels when i was utterly miserable. am i utterly miserable right now? i don't know, i don't think so.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
goddammit fucking mother cock sucker
i'm angry....i feel like yelling and throwing things. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing over and over again....endless obscenities....
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
mardi 26 avril 2005
tired of school
3 weeks....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
lundi 18 avril 2005
should be doing work
senior skip day....aka, everyone skips.....only two classes today, makes my life that much better.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
lundi 28 mars 2005
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
breakdown
i don't know what it is with me. something made me collapse last night....or that's how i can best categorize it. i was annoyed because the line learning wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. I didn't know the part we went over in rehearsal because I hadn't gotten to it yet. That settled me into a mood....a will to be withdrawn, as if by withdrawing I could discover what I needed to about my character to take it past a mediocre performance. because that's precisely what this part was turning into, a mediocre performance. i've had nothing but mediocre performances since i've been here. i feel like i'm not progressing at all....on any front.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
lundi 21 mars 2005
cigarettes and cranberry juice
tonight was my character development work....basically, an excuse for girl talk, a bit of alcohol, and P teaching me how to smoke a cigarette. We were sitting around Dr. M's loft apartment (fabulous) in downtown Rockford....AL, P and I. I have a drink and progressively get more buzzed as the conversation wears on.....only natural because I'm a light weight that practically never drinks and probably wouldn't hold it well.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
dimanche 13 mars 2005
nostalgic in ny
the last day of spring break..... 2 days ago i was in ny.....3 days ago i was hanging out with K
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
dimanche 20 février 2005
musings
i've been going stir-crazy in my room for the past couple of hours. i'm wanting to venture out or at least find a bit of conversation, but it's already 11 and AW didn't answer his phone. i'm debating whether or not to be persistent about it. E feels like being independent and doing some self-analysis.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
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