late, but not really

for some reason the house has the air of making it appear after midnight, when in reality it is not yet 9:30....so early. man, how long ago was it when i would just be preparing to do something...when i would fall into my bed at 2, 3 in the morning. i have no stamina for that right now. i'm like an old person, or an infant. i miss college.

and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.

one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.

Home....when can I go back?

I'm tired of being here....today is my midway point....halfway through my 3rd week. Far too much time, if you ask me. Next year I'm either taking classes or getting a job. Forget this twiddling of thumbs, etc.

But most of all, I hate the state of mind this sets for me. Its as if everything that I've built for myself away from here is stripped away to reveal my innocent naivete of high school. I come back and feel that maybe I haven't changed after all. What happened to those independent ideals I set for myself? What happened to that work ethic I perfected and maintained (and got straight A's my first semester in college, thank you very much)? What happened to that slight, ever so slight, feeling of worldliness? Was that just an illusion- my overcoming of issues I previously faced last year? I don't know anymore. Being here turns me into the hick that I was trying to out run. I sit at home....do the same things I did last year over Christmas vacation, minus the work of my online class. The only difference this time is the duration....and the fact that I sporadically call AW every few days. (I'm still not wanting to be seen as desperate and clingy, though am slowing losing my guard.) I don't go out....and yes, I have been slightly ill...but everyone is going back this weekend and I still have 2 more weeks. This week is the prime week to socialize and I haven't been out, save my visits to the gym and miscellaneous errands. My weekend rendevous with AW in Minneapolis fell through, like I knew it would. I don't resent it, but it still disappoints me.

Why can't I go back on the 3rd like everyone else? What's with this 5 week break business? Next year I'm taking classes.

Limited

Thanks to me being at home....which includes an extremely slow internet connection and a limitation on internet time per month.....i will be posting less. Instead, I shall turn to the old-fashioned journal. Never mind that I forgot mine at college....beginning anew, yet again.

I'm finding I get boughts of "college-sickness". Odd, because I never had homesickness when I moved. It's these evenings...I sit at home typically without anything to do. While at school the night would just be getting started. Typically I'd be at rehearsal now....or last week when I would call up AW during a time of bordeum. I miss those nights laying in his room, watching television or running lines or anything. I need interaction with people who are my peers. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and my parent's friends. I've had bits of conversation with people who weren't really my friends in high school.....they were the people I kept thinking I should be friends with. Suddenly, after I've graduated I find I'm a part of the neo-theatre group. I'll talk to L soon enough and get away from home for awhile. Meanwhile, I miss AW and have a very strong urge to call him. I'll supress it probably...I wasn't planning on calling until Saturday.

in preparation for my final...ugg, final

okay, time management skills, don't fail me now. I want this done by dinner at about 5, which leaves me a good 3 hours to prepare for my oral presentation final tomorrow. after going through the material yet again last night in attempt to understand it. i basically have a handle on what she's trying to say. and although i'm inclined to agree with her arguements, i see through their validity. i'm not a hard-core feminist, but i'm in support of feminism. besides, her arguements are thoughts i tend to pick apart in my head sometimes. but the way she goes about discribing them makes herself seem lofty....and with very little evidence to back it up. why did i choose this section? AW was a sounding board for some of the more complicated syntax. after he helped me pick apart somethings, he tore the entire passage to pieces- at least the main idea and her writing style. so what passion i had for the writing has dissipated somewhat. nevertheless, i must plunge through. besides, its only a 5 minute presetation. and from what my prof was saying, 5 minutes is the minimum...so i just have to be thurough with my presentation and i'll be fine. ideally i'd like to be at 6 minutes or something. he's said 5-7 minutes and then it was 5-10, then it sounded like there wasn't a time limit. i'll see how this goes.

Can't think

i'm sitting in the library trying to find the frame of mind to wade through this chapter. from first glance it isn't intimidating- a mere eight pages or something of the sort. when trying to outline it, my brain plunges into the pitfalls of fatigue, etc. gone are my aspirations to complete most of this today. grr. nevertheless, my goals for today remain the same- read the chapter, outline it, free write/ summarize it. i'm on page 2 of outlining it. brain, work, dammit. ah well, perhaps a break. something to get my thoughts moving again.

Okay...thinking...thinking intelligently.....that's wishful thinking in itself.

I need an escape. I need as escape from this life of academia, which will only last 3 more days for me, three days not even full of classes or work in general. That's what I like about these breaks, no preparation needed. I'm in between classes. All I have to do worry about textbooks, which I'll most likely buy when I get back and then get them online. I need the escape of converation with a real person and not just my own thoughts. Get through this and search out someone....someone, who i'm hoping could be AW, if he doesn't have any finals at the moment.

Found better music, much more condusive to studying. Time to work...this time for certain.

almost over

i can't believe it, this time next week i will have spent a few days at home. no more classes, just two speeches and a 48 hours filled with packing and cleaning....only to spend the entire day traveling back to Minnesota. i'm not sure what to do with myself, i'm so worn out and wanting to retreat away from everyone...but that's all i'll be doing over christmas break, so i'm tempted to hold off until i leave. tonight i'm even thinking of staying in and avoided AW, even though time is running out and i know i'll miss him. if anything i'll just miss his presence and his treatment of me. we've been getting closer and i've been really happy lately. happy, despite the amount of stress and things to do bearing down on me. but i'm practically in the home stretch.

his family took me out for ice cream after the christmas concert. his parents, particularily his dad, seem to really like me. B even offered to have me stay for break, somewhat jokingly, but i knew the offer was genuine. i wonder what AW thinks of his family's reaction to me. or i wonder if his parents suspect our closeness...i think they know we're more than just friends. but sometimes i wonder about our closeness.

after a conversation with A last weekend, i decided to meet him for coffee and return his stuff. i'm not sure it's a good idea, but i've left myself a lot of loopholes. i'm just having coffee and leaving...it won't be more than hour or two. i'm returning his things because it pains me to have them and know they're here. it might give the two of us some closure...then maybe i'll feel as if i can move on. L warned me about the meeting. i know she's right, but i'll be cautious. i'm going to walk in there with an open mind. i'll listen to his rants and try to understand this from his perspective.

searching for motivation and artistic talent

set design. i'm trying to visualize it. trying to transfer that vision to something good on paper. not my forte. my forte is to look at a picture and copy it, and even then my skills can be a bit rusty. especially with this really awful gum eraser that keeps breaking. but better than a standard number 2 pencil.

feeling odd....i need to do my drawings tonight to make life more bearable. artistic talent...find me. Its funny how I'm using the community theatre stage instead of any that are at college. maybe it's just an easier visualization. this oddly reminds me of Christmas break where I was bored off of my ass and constantly looking for something to do. but at the same time, i was horribly lazy and didn't feel like searching. now, i can't believe i have one more day of vacation. i want an extra. i need more sleep. actually, what i need is just human interaction. i had that today. i guess this is a lesson to me. when i'm finally living on my own, hopefully after college and grad school....i need either a roommate or a pet. or lots of friends close by. hey, that's an idea...i feel like looking at grad schools.

weekend at the dorms

so my first college thanksgiving break consists of a brief trip to AW's house for Thanksgiving and the rest of the time spent at school working on homework and the Regent Player's fundraiser. I actually like this....guilt free time to spend to myself getting my homework done. the only regrets, i wish i had a real piano in my room and that i was in a house by myself instead of a dorm room. but i'm quite happy about the suite accomodations; i've been spending a lot of time in the common room as opposed to my little cubicle.

i enjoyed my brief excursion into wisconsin. i liked AW's family. their thanksgiving festivities reminded me of my own family....just a slight difference in time and a lack of lefse. i wonder what his family thought of me, or rather thought of our friendship. he introduced me as a friend who couldn't get a ride home for thanksgiving. i wonder if they speculated there was something more between us. AW doesn't care and would rather they not know. doesn't matter to me, but its an interesting premise to think about. my own family i'm sure is busy doing whatever. i think mom is still in the cities and dad at home tending to farm stuff. what would i be doing? same thing that i'm doing now, resting and getting my work done. not much difference in plans. just a change of scenery. besides, i only have 2 weeks left here. and only about a week and a half of that will be spent worrying about work. this weekend is fabulous for catching up on work. i'm already done with my collaborative paper. i've made my general notes on the set design and have an idea for a floor plan and color scheme in my head. i think watching tv is deserved while i think about dinner.

almost friday

been bumming around all evening. my orchestral rehearsal was cancelled, much to my dismay. i was in the mood to go out and do something....instead i wander between my room and my friend's across the hall, watch tv, eat...i wanted to see AW, i haven't seen much of him since yesterday morning....but that's just the way things happen to be. instead i hold on to the memory of yesterday morning. besides, it's more time than i was able to spend with him next week.

i'm not good at writing now. i just need to go to sleep. sleep.....sleep...and prepare to do homework over the weekend.

is he still reading?

i don't know if A even reads my other blog anymore. i think he might, which is why i've been writing everything concerning AW in here. perhaps i should continue that tradition.

it's amazing how playing lovers, even for a few minutes, can make one feel as if it's intensified their chemistry. AW and I sang a duet from Fantasticks-the closing ballad, a song of reuniting and profession of true love. we felt it, at least i felt it. and i believe that love to have a certain degree of truth to it. one can only act so well until there's feeling behind it. maybe that's what made him open up to me a bit more. that, or maybe it was because we spent most of the weekend together.

nevertheless, after rehearsal last night- emily is learning chord progression for a show and it's lovely....I ask him to proof my Tennessee Williams paper. He agrees and we go back to his room. I kept telling myself i needed to sleep in my own bed that night- 9 o clock class and AW is obviously preoccupied with the election results and cursing bush and the conservative swing the American citizens have taken. I'm ready to leave, but as we say goodbye it keeps getting longer and longer....a drawn out kiss turns into another followed by multiple hugs....until i think i'm almost going to fall over because i have my laptop in my backpack. he asks if i really must go and i confess it isn't necessary and i was looking for an excuse not to leave. i lay down and fall asleep in his bed while he sits at his desk and watches the election commentary.

I wake up once and realize how uncomfortable i am sleeping in my clothes. i strip to a point and climb back into bed. His arm quickly wraps around me while he's half-asleep. I'm amused by the way he sleeps next to me, as if he's become so used to me being beside him.....i'm like a stuffed animal or something to him. as i drift back into slumber, i feel his warm body behind mine....like a protective shield. somehow, i begin to sense this is starting to mean more. i wake up once or twice in anticipation of the alarm. AW often mumbles incoherantly and moves his arm lovingly across my shoulders, back, and around my waist. i think he even kisses the back of my neck multiple times in his sleep.

dawn breaks and the alarm reminds me of the obligations i have ahead. i roll over to snuggle against his comfortable body. i bury my head down in his chest with my left ear towards his face. he whispers," you're beautiful, you know that?" i've never heard that kind of compliment from him before. sure, i've been told how sexually desirable i am for him and my intellect praised. but beautiful- and the light, honest, serious tone in which he spoke seemed to slightly indicate "i'm totally falling for you....slowly, but it's happening and i'm starting to acknowledge it"
he embraces me...and eventually i roll out of bed. as we're about to part he says, "i'm glad you decided to stay last night." this time as i leave i see that same look i caught Friday night. that look-the realization of how close we've become....maybe he is falling...and perhaps i am, too

i'm far too afraid to truly admit it....he has to say so first. but i feel much more sure of this than i have previous. i was seeing so little of him...i was afraid of him being forced to spend so much time with C-bad psuedo jealousy.....but he's actually quite annoyed with her personality. now i'll be around for fields of academia rehearsals....

time to play piano for an hour before i go back to my room and sleep.
i thought it could happen, and maybe it is.

did i see something?

i love autumn....these days where it's overcast and slightly gloomy with a chill in the air...days when i don't have anything to worry about save reading a very interesting biography for a paper due mid week. all i have to think about this weekend is that paper and my music-piano, voice, and chords for a show. i have no place to be until 4:30. I'm spending the day alone. but perhaps i need to get out of my room so i'll work....i'm going to the library after i make myself some food. cafeteria food is so horrible on the weekends.

i keep turning over last night in my head. it had been a week since i'd had good quality time with AW. i'd been feeling neglected, but the neglect was understandable. he's been busy so i've been preoccupied. i went out with friends this week. it was more like orientation week before i started rehearsals. but after we come back from the movie, i try as nonchalantly as i can to go back with him to his room. we both knew that as soon as i did that i wouldn't be leaving until the next morning.

he's been deprived, too. i could feel it as we kept pushing further until we came up to the perimeters of sex. we lingered, seriously debating....and if it weren't for a very strong determining factor we would have gone beyond. but i sensed something...there was a time when i did something i looked back and he held my gaze with this look in his eye for 30 seconds. i tried to read it, but i was fairly certain the look wasn't of lust or sexual want. it was sincere. and as well as i know AW it will be awhile before he admits anything like that. if anything, he'd be more like me and try to supress it. supress it because we're not truly labeled. that thought satisfies me. perhaps he's been having those thoughts run through his head. i don't know if that's right...but that thought comforts me.

and there's always his treatment of me the morning after. when he has to get up for work today, as opposed for me getting up for class during the week. as he slides out of the bed he caresses me and kisses my forehead. and as he leaves, he tells me again i can sleep in his bed as long as i want and he'll lock the door behind me. he sits down beside me and softly kisses my mouth, gives me a hug and then another kiss. "have a good sleep, i'll see you when i get back" he's almost out the door when he has this urge to come back for another kiss. this always seems to happen. that moment of goodbye that's extremely heartfelt, followed by one of us leaving and him instigating that last kiss.

i hold on to those moments, because it seems to me that's how he truly feels about me. for some reason he lets his guard down in the morning because the stress of the day is not yet upon him. versus during the day, and possibly even the week, he's so preoccupied with everything. i would be, too. what's going to happen, i wonder? will anything change? will he ever tell me how he really feels? i'm afraid to ask for fear of spoiling what we have. i've already decided he's making first moves. it's safer for me that way. in the meantime, i'm very happy to be over my feelings of neglect

I'm not sure what possessed me to do this....suddenly I had the urge to read A's blog. It made me remorseful and I realized the bad decision I'd made. I'm not regretting making it, just the circumstances surrounding it. I'm feeling slightly empty now....a void grows within me as I'm trying to stay afloat. I keep moving on with my life and putting myself on the backburner. I love everything I'm doing, I truly do....I love college. I just don't love this state of perpetual abuse of self. I deny myself sleep and relaxation so I can keep going.

I feel the need to talk to A. I don't know what I'd say but I don't feel the need to push him away anymore. I don't want what we had before, but I want the friendship. I could tell him anything and he'd listen. I can get that here, too...but I think I'm guarding myself. I'm doing it to the point where it isn't even concious.

This weekend as I was laying in bed with AW....fooling around, both of us turned on and contemplating sex.....we were holding back in our heads while still wanting to proceed.....i realized the feelings I had for him....the potential for love. And as I thought this I so badly wanted to supress it. I can't form these feelings....I don't want to be vulnerable...I can't. Can't I separate these deeper feelings. I need to protect myself. He's been just as busy as I. Maybe this weekend we can have some good conversation, we haven't had that in awhile.

Two days later we were laying side by side....he told me his ex stayed with him the night before. I wanted to know what happened....nothing beyond making out fully clothed....but for some odd reason that hurt worse than when A cheated on me with LK. When A did it, it didn't hurt at all. Whereas AW, I guess I had higher standards for him. He feels bad....and honestly he had every right...but maybe I'm not wrong in the assumption that we treat each other as if we truly are in a relationship. But I asked him if we'd ever end up together- meaning eventually a couple before he graduated- he responded as if there was a good possibility, but in reference to marriage or something beyond college. That has to mean something

In the meantime I'm just trying to get through my homework...back to prep for tomorrow's midterm.

Maybe I'll have to transfer everything into here now. A said he still reads my other blog and I know it pains him to hear about AW. So for the sake of my own sanity I might just abandon the other blog. I so badly want to sever ties with him. To separate would be the best, he's continually reaching out and I'm trying to push him away with out being cruel. It isn't working. He already thinks I'm a cruel and insensitive bitch. Maybe I am, but let me be. I don't care anymore and I'm tired of his manipulative bullshit he keeps pulling on me. It's better for us to be separated. Yes, maybe we can be friends one day.....one day far from now once he's moved past his pain and isn't in love with me anymore.

AW is in a similar situation. He feels the need to put life on hold so he can sort himself out. I don't blame him, he's overloaded and it's slowly wearing him down. I seem to be his confidante, which I like. I've been somewhat reassured that I'm not just here for his amusement. He's actually holding back because he's sensible. He knows he doesn't have the time to devote a relationship and believes I don't either, which is true. It would be completely out of character for me to jump from one to another. But I asked him last night in a game of truth or dare where how he viewed me and where he saw this going. Basically, he replied we'd continue to get to know each other and have fun with this. We don't want to be all mopey when we have to split for the summer. Both of us will be working and most likely in our home states. But he told me he wasn't planning on pursuing any other girls.

We have an interesting relationship. Both of us continually hold back in one way or another. I think he's trying to keep his feelings for me at surface level for sanity purposes. I'm trying to do the same thing. Both of us are extremely attracted to one another and have on multiple occasions were fighting back the urge for sex. I don't know how intimate I want to be with him if we're not officially labeled, but we practically are anyways. I was at dinner and J was asking me about homecoming and if I were going with anyone. I said AW if I could twist his arm...both M and S replied I'd have no trouble. They all probably know AW and I are make out buddies. It's actually a good stress reliever. And in multiple ways because we tend to vent to one another.

I keep envisioning my parents....they met when Mom was a freshman in college. Hmm? Wishful thinking, definetly. He'll be here 2 years and then off to grad school. I'll be here 4 and am also thinking about grad school...or trying to find work in the business. But its just a foolish notion....he even fits my choir theory.

I feel the need to define myself. To find aspects and amend them. Not sure why exactly except because of AW and this whatever the hell it is. But after talking with him last night I realized that even if we were to end up in a relationship nothing would change between us....nothing.

So some guidelines for myself and my view of self. I want to be self confident without the reassurance of others. Far too often do I look for compliments from the boys I'm dating. I don't need them. I know I'm beautiful. I like being independent and not tied, but at the same time have an object of my affection. I like being sexually experienced but don't want to be labeled as a whore. So instead I'll not be timid and enjoy things. I'm not to be caught up in worrying about being hurt. I'll just live life and not over analyze things....especially "relationships".

But I realized I have to be writing a paragraph so I can go out without guilt tonight.

a few precious minutes before my next class and i decide to say screw homework and blog. i'm in one of those contemplative moods today...aloof and unsure.....and i think i fall into the aloofness because i don't know a better way to be without being embarassed....those times when you don't have anything to say and feel dumb about it, even though having something to say wouldn't matter anyway.

i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.

i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.

What do I do? I'm caught in an awful predicament, the only thing that would make it better is to know that AW is in it with me. It finally happened, I knew it was going to and I wanted it to....but I'm finally facing the reality of it. AW finally made his move, after about a week and a half. After AM and SD left last night I stayed and watched Family Guy in his room. Things were like how they were Friday night. We were cuddling but nothing more. After awhile I brought it up, because it was obvious we both had feelings for each other, regardless of the signifigant others we had back home. He was caught just as I was...torn between his girlfriend of 2 years who was far away and had been far away for a long time. I was torn between this amazing guy right here, versus the one I had left at home. We started talking about it and I began stroking his face lightly. I stopped and he wanted me to keep going. And then we kissed, and kissed and kissed. He's a completely different style than the other guys I've kissed before. He's so soft and gentle...very tender and loving. Versus forceful and wet with a lot of tongue. I liked it, that's how I would rather it be. So we made out multiple times and it didn't go that far. I ended up sleeping in his bed since it was 4 in the morning and he wanted me to stay.

So we slept in the same bed, side by side....like A and I had done...occassional when we were both awake we'd caress one another....I stayed in his bed until he had to get up for work. So I'll spend the day sleeping and doing homework before I call him tonight after work.

I'm not sure about this...I know I'm going to break it off with A soon. Besides the cheating...my interest is being too easily swayed and the love in downsizing into just friend status. I'm not sure when I'll do it. AW said we'll not be together initially...so we can break off relationships and settle in a little better. He doesn't want to change directions that drastically right now. But he assured me that nothing will be weird between us. We'll be friends with benefits. I trust him. He could have pushed last night, but didn't. He could have made his move last week, but he didn't. But he had his eye on me before we ate dinner and met at school for the first time last wednesday.

And A sent me an e-mail about how confident he is about the relationship. He's so optimist. I'm going to crush him. I'm afraid to phone him...I'll resort to e-mail and probably break it off next week.

But I'm going to take a nap before I do homework.

Good/Weird/etc Day

I’m finally getting settled in at school. I had an odd day of just everything. My parents came at lunch and gave me my new fridge and groceries. I told them about concerns with my roommate and the hope that she’d be gone by Thanksgiving/ Christmas whatever. Turns out she’s leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, but its due to financial reasons. I feel bad because I was extremely two-faced to her when she told me. And then we started getting to know each other tonight and I thought maybe we would co-exist. But I’m secretly happy. I get a single room now. She said she’d hopefully be back Spring semester, but I’m figuring no.

Most weirdness of the day: An upper class theatre major, AS befriended me. I ran into him today and ended up wandering off with him. Talking to various staff today and whatnot. Lost my group and ended up eating dinner with him. Basically I’ve hung out with him for a good portion of the day. He doesn’t mind my company. I kept asking him if I’m like a freshman leach or something. But yeah, we’ll be good friends. He’s like my induction into the department. But it was really amusing when I had a comment from and OL about us as a couple or whatever….no. We’re both taken and just good friends. Nevertheless I had to chuckle. Here I am a lowly freshman apparently snagging a junior. Even though I’m not.

And AS reminds me of someone...I realized tonight at the social who. K, the theatre aquantence who will forever have me tangled up in his web of intrigue. I will always have a thing for him even though he doesn’t particularily like me.. But AS’s face and personality (if he were friendly to me) really remind me of K. Ironic no? Yeah….so, hopefully that will not into evolve into an attraction that would be unwelcome for the both of us.

Our toilet is plugged. That will make my day so much better tomorrow. I have a work study job, yes! I’m excited to work in the scene shop. I still need my ID, turn in my health forms, and my books….not to mention I have to stop by IT and get my passwords. Eh...and my checking account, whenever that happens.

Sleep is good. Hopefully I won’t have another insomniac bought like the last 2 nights.

I've come to the conclusion it is all right for one to have secrets. A was being paranoid that just because I was slightly depressed over maslc being over and such that we were going to break up. Of course, he didn't know my sad mood was caused by maslc. Instead his head jumped to conclusions- I was in love with someone else....

Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.

So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.

stupid something that made me lose this extra long post...grr

anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.

ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.

so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.

but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...