death and loss

I guess it is simply the passage of time and as I grow older, those in my life age and fall ill. How unfortunate that in this time of medicinal advancement, diseases such as cancer and heart attacks still cut life short. Three deaths of people close to me as I've been here. One a family member, and the others as if they were part of mine. Perhaps I haven't properly grieved from this fall. But I am now.

I've always had a strange 6th sense of death. When my Aunt M passed away, I had a most moving experience. She came to me just after she died and held me close, then released me. I didn't know then what had happened. I only knew that something was wrong. Since then, I am happy for that last, strong memory of her.

This time it is my first voice teacher. He has always been like a grandfather to me. My relationship with him in high school and throughout college always seemed like a proud grandparent. I learned so much from him and he always cared about me. I loved how when I came home from holidays he would give me hugs. That's something from a tough Norweigan old fart. I loved those twinkles in his eyes whenever the choir sang well or when he was proud of a performance. I haven't seen him since last August and I'm so sad that I won't be there for the funeral. I can only image the scores of musicians- so many that he taught and made better singers. There will be wonderful music for him.

Now I'm listening to Ein Deutshes Requiem, requiem for the living. I will find comfort in this. He had a long full life, filled with great music and great teachings. I'm certain I was not the only student to love him.

torn and confused

I think I can't make the half-hearted commitment. For the year that AW and I were together, we called ourselves "good friends" and didn't do the girlfriend/boyfriend labels. At the time I thought it was perfect, but as the year went on and the defining aspect kept getting in the way....the entire situation hurt and messed with my head. AW later admitted that we never should have done that. It turned into serious right away, we just wanted to give the other the option of not completely committing, having just gotten out of long-term relationships.

So JS and I have slightly spent more time together this week- mostly along the lines of sex, which is good and bad. I don't want this to become another relationship that revolves around sex, and I told him that. He agreed he didn't want it either. We had a conversation about it and I was fine with the arrangement. Now, I feel like things have changed.

Last night I was trying to go out and failing. He was going to a party for a friend's friend. I asked about pre-gaming, just because I wanted to go out before 11. He made the comment about how it wouldn't be too discrete (our arrangement). I bitingly replied that there's a difference between discretion and secrecy. I felt bad, but it was how I felt. We'll talk about it.

I see how he is around me. I see his smiles and looks of adoration and care. I see his happiness when we're together. I feel our physical chemistry. I know we had talked about being discrete because of being in a small, gossipy program- but I am not his mistress. Maybe we've reached another level and we're too scared to move forward. I think we're good together; he's unlike other guys I've dated. I'm forever attracted to artistic-types. His personality somewhat reminds me of AW, sans the music/theatre/writing thing.

Maybe I'm ready for the commitment I can't have.

Reasons why playing with fire is dangerous

In preface, I am entertaining the notion of being involved with AC again. This has fallen into my lap, as it often does, and I'm not resisting too well.

1. He is a player.
2. He will run away after the conquering.
3. He will make promises, break them, and fail to answer/ return my calls.
4. I have much better relationship potential with JS.
5. AC will demand monogamy, even though he will not practice it himself.
5a. He will guilt me into feeling bad about dating other people/ cause me to end a good relationship.
6. He will lie or omit important truths.
7. He will keep me waiting and will make me disappointed.
8. The sex wasn't good before/ he was an asshole about it.
9. Most likely, I will have to sneak him into my host family after hours and sneak him back out.
10. I will get less sleep because spending time with him leads to lots of drinking and many late nights.

Reasons why I can't resist-

1. I am not over him.
2. He's a really cool guy.
3. Fantastic conversation, jokes, etc.
4. There's a certain lure about dating an English musician.
5. My ego.
6. There's a challenge here...

Other life paths

Every once in awhile, I stop and think about the decisions I've made. If I hadn't turned my back on theatre, this would be my last semester. I'd have taken my head shots, be auditioning at cattle-calls, working on my senior seminar. I'd have had one semester of French, for a gen ed requirement, and possibly gone to London for a semester in 2006. I would not be in France and all of this would not be happening. Would I have been able to work through the pain that theatre caused, or would have given up much later in the game? At any rate, it's so strange to think about.

I find myself looking towards going back to the States. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I've changed so much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if I've changed in positive ways and I don't know how I see myself anymore. I feel like I've become manipulative- though I've had friends tell me I haven't. I see that I direct attention to get what I want, I'm extremely egotistical...so leaving theatre did nothing to fill that void. I need to be loved and adored and I feel like I manipulate that.

I don't like these things about myself, but I don't know what to do to change it. So I've hid this week, because going out is expensive and I'm constantly tired. But I hid from making decisions. I made some, but haven't completely followed through on execution. I still want to hide, but even more I want to travel, which I can't do until Easter weekend. Need to go...

making decisions

For some reason, I could no longer wrap my head around dating multiple guys at once. I was unsure about what to do. Most likely I was freaking out again and just need to be okay with it. However, after discussions I realized that the last guy I've met I may want something more. So my friend MW knocked some sense into me. Dump G, who is a French man-whore (and she told me a story that sealed the deal). Go platonic with JE, because that's what I really want from him. I'm a bit afraid of hurting him, but he seems quite resilient. And G presented me with an opportunity...and I did it. Via text message...weird, but necessary.

And then the idea with JS; I won't see him until Sunday. I really, really like him. I think this could go somewhere, or I'm willing to see if we could become a relationship. I don't know what he actually feels, but he definetly was smitten on Saturday. He talked about me/ the situation with his roommate and I think we're on the same page- knowing that we agreed to not serious, but maybe that wasn't what we really wanted, yet having no clue about it. At any rate I'm going to spend more time with him and see if that is really it. And if I end up seeing no one in particular, maybe that's a good thing. I mean, I could try and study or something.....

Procrastinating bedtime

1. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
No, but I like the simple around the mouth piercings.

2. Does a kiss make you feel better?
It depends on who is giving the kiss and how they give it.

3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Thankfully, no and I hope to never experience that.

4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Yes, to let it warm up.

5. What did you do today?
3 hour lecture class, home and skipped my class at 17h15.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
No

7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I wouldn't say boyfriends, I would says boys I'm dating. But yes, that is my current situation and has been for awhile.

8. Have you ever thought about your death?
Many times

9. Are you paranoid?
Depends on the circumstance

10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
That depends on how I feel. Right now I think I'm happy playing the field, but maybe I'm kidding myself.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dance or Rugby

12. What color is your shower curtain?
Pink

13. Have you ever had stitches?
Chin and back

14. How long ago did you hug someone?
People don't hug in France. I can tell you the last time I bized someone.

{15, 16, 17, and 18 are missing.}

19. What are you doing tomorrow?
Sleeping in, going to class, going out with JS.

{20 is missing.}

21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
I tend to look away and avoid them, as they are numerous in Montpellier.

22. Have you ever run over an animal?
Yes, I have an excellent story about a pheasant from high school.

23. Whats your favorite cereal?
My current fantastic museli cereal

24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
Yes, both American foods impossible to find (without being ripped off) in this country.

25. What are you doing this moment?
Doing this survey instead of going to bed.

26. Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 bucks?
Maybe for 100 euros...

27. Where’s your favorite place to be?
here

28. What’s your favorite song?
I can't pin it down.

29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
Both, sometimes together

30. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
No, but I've laughed at the shoe tree on the U campus

31. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
No, but I should

32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower?
No

33. Do you dream in black and white?
I'm pretty sure I dream in color.

{34 is missing.}

35. Do you snore?
It's more of the cute kind of deep breathing.

36. Have you ever thought about being a model?
No, no, I'm too short.

37. Are you a redneck?
I think I managed to escape that despite growing up on a farm in rural Minnesota.

38. Funniest thing you heard all day?
Today wasn't overly funny.

39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
Of course, I am from MN

40. What are you afraid of?
fear

41. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
Tu veux aller au match de rugby? On se reunit a l'arret de tram ligne 2 Gare a 15h35.
I was hoping it would be in French. From Chris

42. What does the 10th message in your outbox say?
Any plans for the evening? How was the match? To Chris

43. Do you like someone?
Perhaps too many someones...

44. Do they know you like them?
I'm pretty sure we've established that.

To wrap my head around this....or maybe I can't

I don't try to do this. This semester, it seems that guys keep falling into my lap. Relaying the stories is interesting, yet I seem to get hung up on my current situation. I haven't had this kind of freedom or so many options before.

Last Wednesday I had an almost and it is still hanging in the air. Long story short, I ran in to N and a friend of his at a pub. I said hello and they came to sit with us. My American friends left one by one and I found myself with N and his friend, AF. N left to pick up his friend from the train station, leaving AF and I talking...flirting...that. I wonder if this is going anywhere, but the bar closes at 1 and we leave. They try to catch the last tram and I get them to head in the direction of chez moi. When parting N bizes me (he's English, this is not natural); AF starts with a handshake and then decides to biz (also English). No phone number exchange between AF and I. N has mine and I his. My game: let this be. Ironically, both are work colleagues, therefore there are possibilities for meeting and soon. However, I'm confused about which one is interested. I don't want to make any decisions.

Friday evening I get "kicked" out of the house and head to chez J for pre-gaming. I get there ridiculously early, due to the massive amounts of people at my place. I meet his roommate, JS. The night is filled with alcohol. Others show up, J's girlfriend MW gets hammered and passes out. People leave to catch trams.... I talk about crashing there out of laziness. Soon it is J, JS, MW and I. JS asks if I want to go to a discotheque, as planned earlier in the evening. We walk into town, as we have missed the last tram. We get to the place, he pays my cover charge and buys me a drink. Drinks lead to dancing, leading to making out, leading to crashing at my place...
Sunday night he calls to make sure this isn't serious and that we are being discrete. He wants to go out with me this week. Still, I felt like I was being used, even though I want nothing serious and discretion.

So to tally and make myself feel a little better (or worse, depending on your take) 1. GG (aka French lover) 2. JE (american in program- no strings attached) 3. CB (2 week fling, but potentially going to visit him in Geneva) 4. JS (american in different subset of program- no strings attached) 5. N 6. AF
But in reality, I can scratch N and AF because nothing has happened. CB can be out, because that will just be a weekend. Right now he is a former fling with possibility of rekindling. So my count is back up to three again. How do I feel about this?

Is this what happens when a girl gets out of a three year relationship and finds herself with options and not being able to say no? But why do I have to? Am I so conditioned by monogamy that I feel guilty. If nothing else, I'm being like a guy...none of the emotional attachment, merely fun. Except that the emotions are creeping in. And have been...

I've been wondering what I've done this semester. It seems I have found it: classes, going out, watching american tv online, and managing my guy endeavors. Maybe I have turned into AC.

Valentine's Day

For the first time in 3 years I spent Valentine's Day with no obligations or pressure. Instead, I had a weekend of parties ahead of me and 3 guys in my back pocket.
I went to a work thing-which I hadn't done in awhile. Very little members and mostly staff and so that turned out to be a bit like Thanksgiving in terms of AC. This time I knew better. I wasn't bitter or lonely, I was smart. I could flirt back, simply because it was fun, and I could humor him. But there was another option, a new teacher, N, also from England. I'd met him once or twice and we chatted for awhile. Later when the group went to the Vert he spent a lot of time talking to me away from everyone else. He recommended a book to me and we exchanged phone numbers. I didn't need it to go anywhere, but if it did I wasn't going to turn it down. Perhaps I'm getting bored, but I prefer thinking that he just intrigues me. I had thoughts of him being my escort home after the bar closed. Instead, AC (after throwing out another hint of something again...) vanished and N, being a good friend, apparently found him and took him home.
So now I have another prospect. I suppose it is never good to get involved with colleagues, but this seems harmless because I could behave as I do with JE.
Who by the way was at a party the night before and we were hinting to our involvement. Alcohol or the want of attention or something....I didn't feel like caring. No one probably remembers.
So today as I spend the afternoon relaxing I find myself contemplating having coffee with N. I will make no moves, mostly because I don't know if this is even good. And also because I think I'm turning into AC....

Rebound

After Friday night's awkwardness of running into my current...fling, not-boyfriend, guy I'm seeing, I seem to have needed some sort of affirmation. I called M and she agreed G has become the French AC. Hence, I should probably stop seeing him.
Saturday, I went to a party at JE's the other guy I'm currently involved with. It was all right. The food was good, but the people were okay. I was rather silent and a bit bored, my own doing. At the end 4 of us end up going to a dance club bar, the same place that I met G. I was deciding whether or not to pick up a guy and one bumped into me. He wanted to dance, and I agreed. I found out he was American (this seems to be a pattern) and fresh of the boat, so to speak. He was rather nerdy, but in an indearing way- the nice, innocent, eager version of nerdy. He was really in awe of me/ his luck/ something, which was nice. I understood the power position I had, but I didn't want to hurt him.
We end up leaving together and talking/etc, but nothing too too serious. He gave me awful hickeys on my neck, so I'm wearing turtlenecks for a week and also having to sneak around the other guy(s) I'm seeing. C is only in Montp' for another 2 weeks and then he'll be in Switzerland for the rest of the semester. I'm giving this a shot only because of that. But, honestly he's growing on me. We spent this afternoon together and I've backed off a lot in terms of physicality. I like being the "nice girl" right now, it makes me feel less whore-ish.
So I now feel like I've turned into the female version of AC. In turn, I feel like I could juggle the 3 guys, including how I thought of not dating G anymore. I think I can be detached.
But really, I need to study- so I seem to have a few excuses to illude the guys this week.

Guilty pleasure

1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
Something I'm trying to wrap my head around at the moment. I find it difficult because there are so many meanings to it.

2. Are you a jealous person?
Probably more than I'd admit.

3. What are you allergic to?
Being guilt-free

4. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Yes, and I hate waiting and knowing yet being angry that they won't do it.

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Pistachio or mint chocolate chip

6. What would you rather be doing right now?
Not sure, but I should be studying for my art history final.

7. What song lyric, if any, is stuck in your head at the moment?
"Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story"

8. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes, but I biz much more often in France.

9. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
Depends on the personality

10. Can you make others cry easily?
Not sure, but I'm really good at playing games. I don't know if that would lead to crying.

11. Who was the last person to piss you off?
G, because I didn't know what to expect.

12. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
In English, yes....in French, well I'm trying.

13. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
No

14. Were you a "planned" child?
Yes

15. Last thing said?
Merci....ou quelque chose comme ca

16. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
8-9 ish

17. What is your most unfavorite alcoholic drink?
Some horrible thing that I had at the Up & Down in October

18. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Umm....

19. Would you ever be attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Yes, if the intelligence/emotional attraction was really strong.

20. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Possibly

21. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
I'll take handouts, I admit it.

22. Do you currently want any piercings or tattoos?
Not anymore, although the face piercings around the mouth are cute on certain people.

23. What movies do you know the lines to?
Most movies from my childhood.

24. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
No, but I have entertained the notion.

25. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I've told secrets this week....

26. What should you be doing right now?
Studying

27. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
depends on how outgoing I feel at that moment

28. When was your last road trip?
road trip, I suppose with Mom touring southern France over Christmas break

30. What are you thinking about right now?
Last night...ehh

31. Who's house did you last go to?
chez Emma et Jessica...or chez moi maintenant

32. Do you like your hometown?
Now that I've left it....

34. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I've got 3 on today....Anne Taylor Loft, The Limited, Express

35. Where is the last place you took a ride to?
Tram...anywhere in Montp' or train to Bordeaux

36. What was the last thing you ate?
lunch

37.Would you kiss the person you last kissed again?
Yes, probably

38.Where were you last night?
At a party trying to not be awkward, but failing

Mistakes of the past

I got a phone call out of the blue today, from JM. She asked a simple question, "Did I go out with AC on Thanksgiving." "Yes." That was it.

I mentioned something of that on Friday at a party. Not to a friend of hers, but I supposed another close by may have overheard. I feel the need to reach out to JM. She's probably hurt and confused and found herself caught in AC's lies. She wasn't a friend of mine, and frankly I was jealous and didn't care.

Should I send something discretely? A simple- if you want answers, I can give you mine. I don't know what you are going through, but if you want truth I can tell you my version.

reflections for 07/08

Today is January 1st. I somewhat forgot about this, seeing as today is my limbo day for vacations. My mother left for the States this morning; tomorrow I take a train to Bordeaux. I am feeling a little bit lonely right now, but oddly I think I would feel less this way if the apartment were completely open. J and C have slept off hangovers/partying/etc...I've shut myself in my room because it seems easiest. I need to shower, but the idea seems difficult right now.

AW was going to visit me in France, supposedly coming today or tomorrow. He has found a new love, and with it no longer a need to see me. This is a huge relief, honestly. I was fretting about the trip. I was pissed he didn't tell me earlier, but I booked my own vacation. I'm leaving tomorrow, I've done some research, I shall be fine, especially if I'm cheap with my money. This truly means that we have broken up, though I feel a pang of hurt. He has completely fallen for this other girl; I joked that they would be engaged when I got back.

At the same time, I feel the urge to see G again. I tried last night, but he was away. I never feel snubbed with him- he has a life with legit commitments. I still miss him, in a way, we're hopelessly awkward together, but maybe that's improving. He's extremely sweet and I hope that this won't go away too quickly.

All the same, this break between semesters (faux, but here is where the break exists) makes me feel lonely. Friends have left. I still have friends here, who will be coming back...but there is still unknown. I'm sad that I don't have anyone to call for tonight. I need to get out, but I suspect I will eat a simple dinner, pack, and watch movies in my bed before going to sleep early. I do catch a train at 7:30 tomorrow.

procrastinating....or just tired

2 finals tomorrow: grammar and phonetics. I actually did something about my grammar final, I spent a large chunk of the afternoon and a portion of this evening reading about grammar rules and doing exercises. Maybe I won't completely fail. Phonetics, I don't really know what to study except the phonetic alphabet. Tomorrow...there is too much in my head right now. I just want to be finished. As soon as my finals are over, my academic motivation will be completely gone. Good thing I'm finished with my paper for stage. I just have to print it and turn it in.

I've made a list of things to do before I leave. Everything is feasible. I need a vacation. I need to get out of here. I would like to see G, just because I need to fill that void. I need to be loved, damnit.

Christmas vacation! Now!

Unsettled

I need some sort of stability. Last night was C's birthday and we went out to have a good time. I wasn't sure if in all of it I should pick up a guy. I don't know what G and I are...plus I feel semi-on the-rebound from my slip-up with AC. No winners...I wasn't trying very hard, a couple just started dancing with me. I was a little relieved when I saw K at the discotheque. I danced for 2 hours with some guy, eventually got creeped out, needed to go home and climbed into bed at 4 am. Now it's the aftermath. Sitting around in my bed trying to decide what to do with my day. I have a need to go out and have a coffee with someone, male preferably. I want to see G, but I don't know what to do about it.

Why do I feel as if I always need some guy? Am I really this starved for attention? Can't I be happy just going to school, having friends, and being in France? Do I need someone to want to hold and kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful? Maybe I was right: whatever void I used to fill with acting I now have to fill with men.

I want to go out with J...listening to their music on myspace, and I am so hopeless......
and fuck, I miss AC, even though I understand everything was just an illusion.

No, it was all just an illusion

So, I believe this crazy bubble burst. At least I'm wise to it this time. AC and I were supposed to do something today. Sent a "how are you, had a good time" text Friday night. Sent a what are you up to text this afternoon, phone call with no message. Around 4-I was trying to hold out until tonight- I left a "don't play this game with me, what do you really want?, tell me the truth" message. Ironically, G is busy this weekend so I do get to sit on this one and see where it goes. At this point, nothing from AC. If he bothers to contact me this weekend, there could be a million excuses. Mostly, I'm not holding my breath. I think on Thursday I was just there. He always needs someone to pursue and wasn't I a good object. I'm done with him...this is no good.

I took the longest walk ever today. It was fantastic.

Meanwhile, tomorrow I'm having breakfast with D. Everything will go back to normal, with only a slight bruising of my healed wounds. I'll bounce back.

He came back?

Last night I plunged into something that I thought was finished forever. At the Thanksgiving dinner, AC asked about us. It had been nearly 2 months. I thought I was dropped. We sort of started talking about it and I had to give a speech. The entire evening he kept flirting with me. I had no idea what his agenda was. Never-the-less, I was intrigued.
At the after party, he was somewhat intoxicated. We slid into a booth and sort of finished our conversation. I laid it down for him. I think I agreed to give it another shot, but not without misgivings. We went to another bar, at this point I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. So, I decide I need more alcohol to ease the situation. We talk again at this bar. It's extremely loud. I live right around the corner, so eventually I begged for an escort home. I don't know what everyone else thought, nor do I care.
It was raining, we sauntered home. He lit cigarettes under overhangs. We kept talking about us and the mistakes and the misinterpretations and the apologies. I told him about my French lover. Now, I wish I hadn't. It would have given me more leverage.
He came up to my apartment...still continuing the conversation. This time we actually decided to do the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I still have the issue of my French lover, but I don't entirely trust AC, so I'll cool it for this weekend and see where we are. I feel like if I jump into this too quickly, I'll get burned again. G and I aren't serious. I could drop it and there probably won't be too many hurt feelings. I need to see how AC is. He can tell me all kinds of things, but I have to be with him for more than a week, and not in a concentrated period, to really see it.
I'm being secretive. I can't tell anyone this; I know what my friends would say.

French Lover

So I've gotten myself into this situation which feels oddly out of a movie. I met a French guy last Friday night in a bar. We were together until 4 am. Sunday we go out on a date an establish a pattern. He took me for a walk on the beach. We talked a little; he speaks very little English, which is good for me, so we're speaking French. We drive back to his apartment, fool around, which eventually leads to sex. He drives me home, says he'll call me.

During the week, I'm not holding my breath. I relay this story to my friends and they agree that I don't need a relationship, just a conversation partner and a fuck buddy. Not a bad idea. I send him a text message proposing this idea, subtly. He accepts. We eventually make plans to see each other on Sunday.

I find my way to his apartment....at first we sit watching tv, little movement, no conversation. The program finishes and we commence. The whole thing is nice; we have good physical chemistry....after I while, I lay there wondering if this is it. We don't really say anything. I feel like this is my fault because I'm not that great at French. Eventually I try to start a conversation...this is better.

I go home for dinner. He drives me and I throw my hair into a "sex hair" ponytail. I wonder if my host family notices that these past 2 sundays I come home with the ponytail and an air of rejuvenation. This is my Sunday routene.

I still need a picture of him to prove that this happened.

traveling and return

I've spent the last week casually traveling through Germany and Austria- technically just 2 cities, but doesn't it sound better when I mention countries?

Saturday afternoon alone in the apartment...entertaining myself with the computer. While I was in Germany at the beginning of the week I wished for my journal. So much self-reflection and now that it's 5 days later, I can't remember any of it.

New Goals for self:

Travel everywhere
Never settle for someone else or for a need to have someone else
Truly be independent
Never let yourself be tied down without complete acceptance of new circumstances

I'm really great at vague goals.

Yearnings...

I'm settled in to my life in France. I laugh at my language stumblings and ease my way through the streets. I dress the part and manage to blend in until I speak. Maybe that will change, but I will always be foreign. If someone asked me what I like most about being here- I'd say my schedule, attitude, etc. I'm so relaxed here. I never worry about the mundane like I did in the States. I'm social much more frequently. I seem to go out all the time, plus I've been able to travel.

I keep trying to search for something. I'm certain that I know what it is...every time I see a couple I wish a little bit. I don't like that; I've managed to change and redefine myself as an individual. I don't need a guy, yet the added benefits are something I wouldn't turn down. There's nothing wrong with companionship, is there?

Prospects? Yes, no, not really.... I met a guy name JF at work on Monday. It seemed awkward to pursue it, but perhaps I'll get lucky. JC also from work....but that would be extremely messy. AW lingers from home. We talk frequently and I wonder how that will end up. He's coming to visit in January and I'm really excited about it. R still exists, but I have no idea until spring/ summer. Meanwhile, I go to the occasional bar/ club and flirt. I need to do that more often. Its a damn good ego boost.

I'm going on vacation next week to Germany and Austria. The plan is to take in the culture in Vienna and party in Frankfurt. I don't speak any German.

Revisiting the Old

For some reason, I've always gratification from posting things into the unknown of the internet. I feel like with the shift of my personal life, perhaps this is a good time to come back to this. Otherwise, I could always use another place to keep thoughts while in France.

Current stupidity/ revelation:

I had a fling with an English guy about a month ago. I found out about 2 weeks later that he was essentially playing me the entire time. I was hurt...messed up my personal life, what have you. Now I'm single for the first time in nearly 4 year. I'm not used to this and it scares me. I had an interesting conversation with another girl who was victim to English guy's methods. There is relief, I really know with legitimate proof- not with extremely strong "it couldn't be anything else" gut feelings. The benefit is that the other girl and I bonded over this; we'll probably become very good friends. At the same time, I feel extremely stupid for all of this. I need to write it off and move on. I think this conversation provided that closure that I needed.

Otherwise, I'm enjoying my socialization time in France. I'm wishing that I didn't have homework so I could go out without a guilty conscience. Meanwhile, tomorrow will be another fun night followed by a lovely weekend in Marseille.

More to come.