My angst-ridden, twenty-something self is throwing a pity party. Or at least pretending that I'm deprived/ depressed and there's some sort of righteous struggle that I'm upholding. This is my last semester of college, and I'll make it through if it kills me (which it won't, but this is me being over-dramatic).
Task list:
1. French lit presentation, hardly begun and supposed to have been given yesterday.
2. Social psych lit review due Tuesday- again not begun
3. Keystone book report due Thursday before Easter (next week)
4. Larger paper for social psych due at near semesters end (immediately preceeded by another lit review)
5. Large project for French lit class due at semester's end (again, topic not chosen)
6. Final essay for keystone
7. Work each of 3 jobs
So after my lack of a spring break in which I come back sleep-deprived, over-stressed, and unprepared I again take a tail spin into my constant, stress-filled life. This can't be good for my health. I lack time and money to buy groceries. I have yet to give myself a full meal in two weeks (minus choir tour, so I guess that doesn't count).
Granted, none of these things are difficult in-and-of themselves. Rather, it is the constant succession and equal demands put on by all projects. I have a small ray of hope, Easter vacation, awaiting me in the middle of April. Otherwise, I'm holding out for graduation at the end of May. It is very tempting to escape right now. I know myself and I know that I will inevitably crack under this pressure unless something lets up. I'm already exhibiting negative coping mechanisms.
I want to take this rest of this week off, but I have already skipped my social psych class this week and cut out of work too many times recently. I have not skipped a keystone yet, but I know that would be a bad idea.
Another looming prospect is my lack of structure post-summer. I do have 5 months before decisions have to be made/ executed. However, I've been passing up opportunities because of busyness. Irritating. I almost wish I had some full-time office job lined up, something safe. Even better, if I had living arrangements to go with it.
jeudi 26 mars 2009
mercredi 4 mars 2009
conflict
home has not be a positive environment for me as of late. AH and I had a large fight on Sunday and it has still not resolved itself. I'm not sure why it hasn't. He provoked it, wanting a larger discussion about what he can do so we like him more. I think he's craving affection and attention. Frankly, as roommates its best to let things be. Our personalities are not entirely compatible. One has to bit their tongue and pick their battles, otherwise their home environment will become a war zone.
I don't want the long and drawn-out discussion. It reminds me all too well about A. The discussion will be one-sided, as they always are with AH. He puts up such a front, but I think he is more needy than me (and I'm rather needy, but just sullen about it). I know it will not be short and things will never be solved. Living with him will never be perfect and neither he nor I can change that. I didn't even necessarily choose him; I unknowingly went along with L's vouch of character and my first impression of him.
Every interaction with him for the past few days has left me pissed off and stressed out. He always barges into my space and I should just forbid him from doing do (although this is apt to further the conflict). Whenever I enter a space that he occupies, he's pissed at me. Basically, staying out of each other's way is the only coping mechanism for right now. I suppose we should actually sort this out. I initially just wanted a cooling-off period because I dreaded the discussion, but now I think it is inevitable (though it will not be good).
I want to run away. I miss AW and want to run to him, but that will not solve anything. But he will offer me small solace.
School's going really well for me. I feel very on top of things, despite not doing anything last week because of my recital. Even though homework is happening very last minute, I am extremely aware of my time management abilities and am able to churn out good work. Discussions within class are become more sophisticated and I think my memory and critical thinking skills are sharper. Is this was the last semester of college does to you? You get a fantastic handle on things and then leave. Maybe this is my light at the end of the tunnel motivation.
I need a month-long spring break. Two weeks for choir tour, followed by two weeks in EL with my family.
I don't want the long and drawn-out discussion. It reminds me all too well about A. The discussion will be one-sided, as they always are with AH. He puts up such a front, but I think he is more needy than me (and I'm rather needy, but just sullen about it). I know it will not be short and things will never be solved. Living with him will never be perfect and neither he nor I can change that. I didn't even necessarily choose him; I unknowingly went along with L's vouch of character and my first impression of him.
Every interaction with him for the past few days has left me pissed off and stressed out. He always barges into my space and I should just forbid him from doing do (although this is apt to further the conflict). Whenever I enter a space that he occupies, he's pissed at me. Basically, staying out of each other's way is the only coping mechanism for right now. I suppose we should actually sort this out. I initially just wanted a cooling-off period because I dreaded the discussion, but now I think it is inevitable (though it will not be good).
I want to run away. I miss AW and want to run to him, but that will not solve anything. But he will offer me small solace.
School's going really well for me. I feel very on top of things, despite not doing anything last week because of my recital. Even though homework is happening very last minute, I am extremely aware of my time management abilities and am able to churn out good work. Discussions within class are become more sophisticated and I think my memory and critical thinking skills are sharper. Is this was the last semester of college does to you? You get a fantastic handle on things and then leave. Maybe this is my light at the end of the tunnel motivation.
I need a month-long spring break. Two weeks for choir tour, followed by two weeks in EL with my family.
lundi 16 février 2009
musings
too many options, or rather too many ideas. this semester finds me just as busy as before, despite a lessened course load. it was all deceptive, as each of my courses are equally demanding (but not demanding enough, thankfully). i also didn't think to factor in my recital, arranging options for France this fall, and now this scholarship opportunity. as much as i am eager to get out of school, i think i'll be ready to come back to it after a year-long break.
this rotary scholarship has me thinking about being abroad. i've been researching grad school programs. since i've spent too much time in France, i've shifted my focus to programs in Belgium, Switzerland, and the Netherlands. ironically, i want to find a way to somewhat regularily see D. there are english master programs in groningen- where he lives. wouldn't that be exciting?
i'm feeling nomadic again. my semester will fly by; it already feels like i don't have enough time to do things. soon, i will be in europe again. i've gotten confirmation from JF about a potential job. no promises as of yet, but i am first on the list.
school leaves me little options for free time at present. i tend to give myself breaks when i should be doing something specific. i need more leisure time than i am actually getting. for instance, right now i should be working on a lit review that is due tomorrow. i seem unfazed by the looming deadline. this is clearly not good.
can i put life on pause? i wish my class were at noon instead of 9:30. best get back to work.
this rotary scholarship has me thinking about being abroad. i've been researching grad school programs. since i've spent too much time in France, i've shifted my focus to programs in Belgium, Switzerland, and the Netherlands. ironically, i want to find a way to somewhat regularily see D. there are english master programs in groningen- where he lives. wouldn't that be exciting?
i'm feeling nomadic again. my semester will fly by; it already feels like i don't have enough time to do things. soon, i will be in europe again. i've gotten confirmation from JF about a potential job. no promises as of yet, but i am first on the list.
school leaves me little options for free time at present. i tend to give myself breaks when i should be doing something specific. i need more leisure time than i am actually getting. for instance, right now i should be working on a lit review that is due tomorrow. i seem unfazed by the looming deadline. this is clearly not good.
can i put life on pause? i wish my class were at noon instead of 9:30. best get back to work.
dimanche 30 novembre 2008
Pre-writing
As usual, putting off large assignments into blocks of a single day. Today is spent on the couch in my pjs with a laptop. Ah, academic writing.
Ironically, I'm somewhat in the mood for this. I guess it stems from my feelings of nostalgia. I saw everyone last night. I need that grounding; it always gives me so much hope to know that my readjustment isn't unique. I miss the experience, though I know I can't capture it again. Going back will shift me as it has already. Previous France will be a period of adolescence. I will not blindly taste, see, and stumble as I did before. The mistakes and fumblings will be older, more serious, more consequential. My regrets will be deeper, but my choices smarter.
I'm searching for something. I keep coming back to certain people to be loved. I do it to find the reflection of myself in them; its as if I don't know me unless some tells me my own personality. Is this running into other's arms good? I will (and have) hurt someone with my lack of attachment or my need for too much of it. I bring it back to being and only and being self-centered and selfish. My need for attention drives my searching behavior- is this ever a valid excuse? I get away with it (or do I) because I'm vulnerable, but not until I've caused pain by excluding, including, running away and not needing someone.
I miss them- everyone. A,A, J, J, D, M, C, R, L, M, D, M, C, A, S, M, C, S
Ils me manquent. Tous.
Ironically, I'm somewhat in the mood for this. I guess it stems from my feelings of nostalgia. I saw everyone last night. I need that grounding; it always gives me so much hope to know that my readjustment isn't unique. I miss the experience, though I know I can't capture it again. Going back will shift me as it has already. Previous France will be a period of adolescence. I will not blindly taste, see, and stumble as I did before. The mistakes and fumblings will be older, more serious, more consequential. My regrets will be deeper, but my choices smarter.
I'm searching for something. I keep coming back to certain people to be loved. I do it to find the reflection of myself in them; its as if I don't know me unless some tells me my own personality. Is this running into other's arms good? I will (and have) hurt someone with my lack of attachment or my need for too much of it. I bring it back to being and only and being self-centered and selfish. My need for attention drives my searching behavior- is this ever a valid excuse? I get away with it (or do I) because I'm vulnerable, but not until I've caused pain by excluding, including, running away and not needing someone.
I miss them- everyone. A,A, J, J, D, M, C, R, L, M, D, M, C, A, S, M, C, S
Ils me manquent. Tous.
samedi 4 octobre 2008
The 3rd year
My mother has this parenting theory about the 3rd year. Given that 3 years ago I was struggling with over-booking myself, theater politics, et all eventually leading to my breakdown and events towards my transfer.
It's the beginning of the 3rd year- because this seems to follow the academic schedule. I find myself being hopelessly irritated by school and life surrounding it. Part of me doesn't want to finish, though I know this isn't an option. My parents will force me into finishing and deep down I know this is the best course of action. With the current state of the economy and the rise of the educated class (where even a 4 year degree is considered an essential piece of paper to minimum prosperity), I have to do this.
I hope that breakdowns/ emotional moments will not be a regular occurrence in my life. Already I've developed negative coping mechanisms, all of these similar to what I did at Rockford. Added is the whim of taking up smoking, something I haven't acted on, but want to.
Things that I want:
1. My room as a sanctuary
2. complacency towards things that don't matter
3. my previous stress-free attitude
4. money, enough to subside financial worries
5. to know the light at the end of the tunnel
6. a way to work abroad/in the travel agency/ both
7. someone to love me
8. someone to truly talk to
9. that damned piece of paper and a way to speed up the process
It's the beginning of the 3rd year- because this seems to follow the academic schedule. I find myself being hopelessly irritated by school and life surrounding it. Part of me doesn't want to finish, though I know this isn't an option. My parents will force me into finishing and deep down I know this is the best course of action. With the current state of the economy and the rise of the educated class (where even a 4 year degree is considered an essential piece of paper to minimum prosperity), I have to do this.
I hope that breakdowns/ emotional moments will not be a regular occurrence in my life. Already I've developed negative coping mechanisms, all of these similar to what I did at Rockford. Added is the whim of taking up smoking, something I haven't acted on, but want to.
Things that I want:
1. My room as a sanctuary
2. complacency towards things that don't matter
3. my previous stress-free attitude
4. money, enough to subside financial worries
5. to know the light at the end of the tunnel
6. a way to work abroad/in the travel agency/ both
7. someone to love me
8. someone to truly talk to
9. that damned piece of paper and a way to speed up the process
lundi 12 mai 2008
Late night
What was the highlight of your day?
Finishing my 10 page colonialism paper.
Who's car were you in last?
I don't ride in cars very often here. Ironically enough, I think it was Jessie's host mom's car.
When is the next time you are going to kiss someone?
I biz daily
What color shirt are you wearing?
Beige
How long is your hair?
Somewhat on the short side, but in need of a trim.
Last movie you watched?
Georgia Rule, online as reward for finishing my paper.
Last thing you ate?
Dinner
Last thing you drank?
Water.
Where did you sleep last night?
In my own room.
What did you say last?
Something in French
Where is your phone?
On my mantle, as it serves as my time piece.
What color are your eyes?
Dark brown
What are you looking forward to this week?
Spending time with friends before we part and leaving on my last Europe vacation Friday morning.
Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
Nothing in particular
What are you listening to?
The fan on my computer.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Reassurance
Who makes you happiest right now?
Myself and the people I surround myself with
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping
Are you left-handed?
No
What's for dinner tonight?
Haven't the slightest
When’s your b-day?
Soon, June 2nd
Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Ashley
Where was the last place you went shopping?
A tabac to buy phone credit (finally)
How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm hoping to get it cut tomorrow or sometime this week.
What time did you wake up this morning?
9-ish
AIM or MSN?
Neither
Where does your family live?
My hometown in western MN
Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
Only and happy with that situation
Are you spoiled?
Yes, but only in ways that are important
What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
What time is it?
Myspace or Facebook?
I admit that I am a Facebook whore.
Do you have T-Mobile?
At the moment I have Orange.
What is/was your favorite subject in school?
French or choir
What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
The European ones or the Americans with travel aspirations
Do you have any hidden talents?
Maybe I haven't found them, yet.
Have you ever been IN a wedding?
As a 7 year old flower girl
Do you have any children?
No, thank goodness. That is not what I want for myself at this point.
Will you take a nap today?
Hopefully, naps are my favorite pastime.
Ever met someone famous?
Not really
Do you want to be famous one day?
In my own sphere, yes.
Are you multitasking right now?
No
Could you handle being in the military?
No
What is your average cell phone bill?
50 euros every few months
Do you believe in karma?
Yes
Ever been to Las Vegas?
No
What are you doing tomorrow?
Editing/ turning in my paper, getting a haircut, maybe practicing for my jury, spending time with friends
Have you been to New York City?
Yes, and hopefully going back soon.
Have you ever been out of the country?
That is my current situation since last August.
Ever been to Disneyland/world?
Disney World several times
Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Daria or Jane
Last thing you cooked?
I don't cook here. The most complicated stuff I do is make cereal or spread pate on baguette.
Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Make and receive calls while out of France. That ate my credit very quickly.
Last time you were sick?
Random allergies earlier this spring.
Finishing my 10 page colonialism paper.
Who's car were you in last?
I don't ride in cars very often here. Ironically enough, I think it was Jessie's host mom's car.
When is the next time you are going to kiss someone?
I biz daily
What color shirt are you wearing?
Beige
How long is your hair?
Somewhat on the short side, but in need of a trim.
Last movie you watched?
Georgia Rule, online as reward for finishing my paper.
Last thing you ate?
Dinner
Last thing you drank?
Water.
Where did you sleep last night?
In my own room.
What did you say last?
Something in French
Where is your phone?
On my mantle, as it serves as my time piece.
What color are your eyes?
Dark brown
What are you looking forward to this week?
Spending time with friends before we part and leaving on my last Europe vacation Friday morning.
Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
Nothing in particular
What are you listening to?
The fan on my computer.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Reassurance
Who makes you happiest right now?
Myself and the people I surround myself with
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping
Are you left-handed?
No
What's for dinner tonight?
Haven't the slightest
When’s your b-day?
Soon, June 2nd
Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Ashley
Where was the last place you went shopping?
A tabac to buy phone credit (finally)
How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm hoping to get it cut tomorrow or sometime this week.
What time did you wake up this morning?
9-ish
AIM or MSN?
Neither
Where does your family live?
My hometown in western MN
Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
Only and happy with that situation
Are you spoiled?
Yes, but only in ways that are important
What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
What time is it?
Myspace or Facebook?
I admit that I am a Facebook whore.
Do you have T-Mobile?
At the moment I have Orange.
What is/was your favorite subject in school?
French or choir
What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
The European ones or the Americans with travel aspirations
Do you have any hidden talents?
Maybe I haven't found them, yet.
Have you ever been IN a wedding?
As a 7 year old flower girl
Do you have any children?
No, thank goodness. That is not what I want for myself at this point.
Will you take a nap today?
Hopefully, naps are my favorite pastime.
Ever met someone famous?
Not really
Do you want to be famous one day?
In my own sphere, yes.
Are you multitasking right now?
No
Could you handle being in the military?
No
What is your average cell phone bill?
50 euros every few months
Do you believe in karma?
Yes
Ever been to Las Vegas?
No
What are you doing tomorrow?
Editing/ turning in my paper, getting a haircut, maybe practicing for my jury, spending time with friends
Have you been to New York City?
Yes, and hopefully going back soon.
Have you ever been out of the country?
That is my current situation since last August.
Ever been to Disneyland/world?
Disney World several times
Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Daria or Jane
Last thing you cooked?
I don't cook here. The most complicated stuff I do is make cereal or spread pate on baguette.
Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Make and receive calls while out of France. That ate my credit very quickly.
Last time you were sick?
Random allergies earlier this spring.
jeudi 8 mai 2008
Procrasting like none other/ musings
I had a really long journal session detailing the events of yesterday, more specifically last night/ early this morning. I ended up with A again. This is nothing serious or long-term, this is merely when two people decide to revisit memories and realized how far they've come. I met him for a drink, knowing full well everything that is between us and bad hang-ups/ whatever I have. We went to Shakespeare's- nothing like good kharma and a kind of full circle to a long living/ learning period. We sit at the same table (of course) and talk. He tells me I've changed a lot and I agree. I pull out my drivers license and show him that I don't look like my picture anymore. We laugh about that.
I feel like I've come so far with A. I was so hurt and jealous last semester. I tried to get my self out of it in January and I know I've finally done it by now. He asked me stuff about what happened. I have my version and he, his. He told me that sometimes (or a lot) he's just and idiot and makes stupid mistakes. I don't need his excuses, I know how he is now, but at least I know he's sorry. He kept telling me I was such a nice girl and that I was pretty. Both of those things every 10 minutes for most of the night. He asked me about G and I told him minimal of what happened. He asked about now, I told him about JS. That killed the conversation for a bit.
What I realized about A is that he was a lesson I needed to learn. I learned it and I can still be involved with him. We went to my place and fell into old habits. He asked me what was going to happen and I told him not to calculate it; what happens is what's going to happen. Which is exactly what came to pass. I don't want to analyze my life anymore, I just want to let it happen. I like it when things like this fall into my lap. That's my theory on meeting people and having relationships. I'm not going to let myself taken advantage of, because I like to think I know the signs of being played. Also, because I'm not getting too close, I'm having fun with it.
My vacation has turned into visiting guys I've met while here. I have an idea of what will happen between us when I visit them. The old me would have felt promiscuous and guilty. The new me is just re-visiting and making new memories. I'm guaranteed a good time in all of those places, especially when I am in such good company. I'm really excited about Gronigen and D; I have a weird longterm feeling about him, even though geographically it is impossible right now.
My biggest lesson from France is how to live life. Last semester I was proud to have my usual school stresses melt away. Now, maybe I've let my personal stresses go as well.
Nt
I feel like I've come so far with A. I was so hurt and jealous last semester. I tried to get my self out of it in January and I know I've finally done it by now. He asked me stuff about what happened. I have my version and he, his. He told me that sometimes (or a lot) he's just and idiot and makes stupid mistakes. I don't need his excuses, I know how he is now, but at least I know he's sorry. He kept telling me I was such a nice girl and that I was pretty. Both of those things every 10 minutes for most of the night. He asked me about G and I told him minimal of what happened. He asked about now, I told him about JS. That killed the conversation for a bit.
What I realized about A is that he was a lesson I needed to learn. I learned it and I can still be involved with him. We went to my place and fell into old habits. He asked me what was going to happen and I told him not to calculate it; what happens is what's going to happen. Which is exactly what came to pass. I don't want to analyze my life anymore, I just want to let it happen. I like it when things like this fall into my lap. That's my theory on meeting people and having relationships. I'm not going to let myself taken advantage of, because I like to think I know the signs of being played. Also, because I'm not getting too close, I'm having fun with it.
My vacation has turned into visiting guys I've met while here. I have an idea of what will happen between us when I visit them. The old me would have felt promiscuous and guilty. The new me is just re-visiting and making new memories. I'm guaranteed a good time in all of those places, especially when I am in such good company. I'm really excited about Gronigen and D; I have a weird longterm feeling about him, even though geographically it is impossible right now.
My biggest lesson from France is how to live life. Last semester I was proud to have my usual school stresses melt away. Now, maybe I've let my personal stresses go as well.
Nt
lundi 28 avril 2008
Procrastination and party planning
Back from vacation and have less than one week to study for all finals. I had both of my classes canceled today, leaving with more time for procrastination. My brain is tired and my concentration fading.
So I found an event site for my parent's 30th anniversary party in 2009. Now that's all on my mind. And it is here that I want to make a list.
Summer 2008: get commitment from GH et MR for help. Discuss preliminary ideas- location, date, over-arching theme, logistics.
Anniversary 2008: pick brain about wedding party/ college friends they've lost touch with, etc., inquire about theme things from wedding
Christmas/ winter 2009: start compiling e-mail list (hack into M's account), commitment from TZ for help, specific planning for site/ liquor license, inquire about entertainment
Early winter 2009: send preliminary e-mail to all out of state family/ guests for their planning options
Spring 2009: theme/food/ etc planning; budget and materials, etc
Early Summer 2009: send invites, purchase materials/ move forward on planning
August 2009: finalization; set up, food, surprise element, etc
So I found an event site for my parent's 30th anniversary party in 2009. Now that's all on my mind. And it is here that I want to make a list.
Summer 2008: get commitment from GH et MR for help. Discuss preliminary ideas- location, date, over-arching theme, logistics.
Anniversary 2008: pick brain about wedding party/ college friends they've lost touch with, etc., inquire about theme things from wedding
Christmas/ winter 2009: start compiling e-mail list (hack into M's account), commitment from TZ for help, specific planning for site/ liquor license, inquire about entertainment
Early winter 2009: send preliminary e-mail to all out of state family/ guests for their planning options
Spring 2009: theme/food/ etc planning; budget and materials, etc
Early Summer 2009: send invites, purchase materials/ move forward on planning
August 2009: finalization; set up, food, surprise element, etc
mardi 8 avril 2008
comfort and suppositions
Today I had a welcome break- early out of class and a promise to fill in if I didn't want to go of another one- and received a text from JS. I hung out with him until I needed to leave again. Sex followed by hours of being wrapped up in each other and blankets.
I know that I'm supposed to be removed from this. I was at the beginning, but during the cuddling I loosened up. I can be involved without getting hurt. I could appreciate the moment and feeling that there's nothing in the world except the two of us in that room. I feel really comfortable with him. We'd finally gotten past the point of just sex; that comes from having time.
And there isn't very much time left. It's so strange how temporary all of this is. Who know what will happen with next year. I'm not holding my breath, but there is a strong possibility that he'll be in Minneapolis next year. Not counting on it, but wouldn't it be nice.
On a side note- does every woman evaluate the guy she's with based on whether or not she'd marry him someday? I felt that with JS, and also that we want the same things at the same time. But, I gather that means I've picked a good one to be with for the moment. Everything is far too temporary to be serious. I get the feeling this isn't supposed to end, but maybe there will be a long break.
I know that I'm supposed to be removed from this. I was at the beginning, but during the cuddling I loosened up. I can be involved without getting hurt. I could appreciate the moment and feeling that there's nothing in the world except the two of us in that room. I feel really comfortable with him. We'd finally gotten past the point of just sex; that comes from having time.
And there isn't very much time left. It's so strange how temporary all of this is. Who know what will happen with next year. I'm not holding my breath, but there is a strong possibility that he'll be in Minneapolis next year. Not counting on it, but wouldn't it be nice.
On a side note- does every woman evaluate the guy she's with based on whether or not she'd marry him someday? I felt that with JS, and also that we want the same things at the same time. But, I gather that means I've picked a good one to be with for the moment. Everything is far too temporary to be serious. I get the feeling this isn't supposed to end, but maybe there will be a long break.
lundi 31 mars 2008
death and loss
I guess it is simply the passage of time and as I grow older, those in my life age and fall ill. How unfortunate that in this time of medicinal advancement, diseases such as cancer and heart attacks still cut life short. Three deaths of people close to me as I've been here. One a family member, and the others as if they were part of mine. Perhaps I haven't properly grieved from this fall. But I am now.
I've always had a strange 6th sense of death. When my Aunt M passed away, I had a most moving experience. She came to me just after she died and held me close, then released me. I didn't know then what had happened. I only knew that something was wrong. Since then, I am happy for that last, strong memory of her.
This time it is my first voice teacher. He has always been like a grandfather to me. My relationship with him in high school and throughout college always seemed like a proud grandparent. I learned so much from him and he always cared about me. I loved how when I came home from holidays he would give me hugs. That's something from a tough Norweigan old fart. I loved those twinkles in his eyes whenever the choir sang well or when he was proud of a performance. I haven't seen him since last August and I'm so sad that I won't be there for the funeral. I can only image the scores of musicians- so many that he taught and made better singers. There will be wonderful music for him.
Now I'm listening to Ein Deutshes Requiem, requiem for the living. I will find comfort in this. He had a long full life, filled with great music and great teachings. I'm certain I was not the only student to love him.
I've always had a strange 6th sense of death. When my Aunt M passed away, I had a most moving experience. She came to me just after she died and held me close, then released me. I didn't know then what had happened. I only knew that something was wrong. Since then, I am happy for that last, strong memory of her.
This time it is my first voice teacher. He has always been like a grandfather to me. My relationship with him in high school and throughout college always seemed like a proud grandparent. I learned so much from him and he always cared about me. I loved how when I came home from holidays he would give me hugs. That's something from a tough Norweigan old fart. I loved those twinkles in his eyes whenever the choir sang well or when he was proud of a performance. I haven't seen him since last August and I'm so sad that I won't be there for the funeral. I can only image the scores of musicians- so many that he taught and made better singers. There will be wonderful music for him.
Now I'm listening to Ein Deutshes Requiem, requiem for the living. I will find comfort in this. He had a long full life, filled with great music and great teachings. I'm certain I was not the only student to love him.
dimanche 30 mars 2008
torn and confused
I think I can't make the half-hearted commitment. For the year that AW and I were together, we called ourselves "good friends" and didn't do the girlfriend/boyfriend labels. At the time I thought it was perfect, but as the year went on and the defining aspect kept getting in the way....the entire situation hurt and messed with my head. AW later admitted that we never should have done that. It turned into serious right away, we just wanted to give the other the option of not completely committing, having just gotten out of long-term relationships.
So JS and I have slightly spent more time together this week- mostly along the lines of sex, which is good and bad. I don't want this to become another relationship that revolves around sex, and I told him that. He agreed he didn't want it either. We had a conversation about it and I was fine with the arrangement. Now, I feel like things have changed.
Last night I was trying to go out and failing. He was going to a party for a friend's friend. I asked about pre-gaming, just because I wanted to go out before 11. He made the comment about how it wouldn't be too discrete (our arrangement). I bitingly replied that there's a difference between discretion and secrecy. I felt bad, but it was how I felt. We'll talk about it.
I see how he is around me. I see his smiles and looks of adoration and care. I see his happiness when we're together. I feel our physical chemistry. I know we had talked about being discrete because of being in a small, gossipy program- but I am not his mistress. Maybe we've reached another level and we're too scared to move forward. I think we're good together; he's unlike other guys I've dated. I'm forever attracted to artistic-types. His personality somewhat reminds me of AW, sans the music/theatre/writing thing.
Maybe I'm ready for the commitment I can't have.
So JS and I have slightly spent more time together this week- mostly along the lines of sex, which is good and bad. I don't want this to become another relationship that revolves around sex, and I told him that. He agreed he didn't want it either. We had a conversation about it and I was fine with the arrangement. Now, I feel like things have changed.
Last night I was trying to go out and failing. He was going to a party for a friend's friend. I asked about pre-gaming, just because I wanted to go out before 11. He made the comment about how it wouldn't be too discrete (our arrangement). I bitingly replied that there's a difference between discretion and secrecy. I felt bad, but it was how I felt. We'll talk about it.
I see how he is around me. I see his smiles and looks of adoration and care. I see his happiness when we're together. I feel our physical chemistry. I know we had talked about being discrete because of being in a small, gossipy program- but I am not his mistress. Maybe we've reached another level and we're too scared to move forward. I think we're good together; he's unlike other guys I've dated. I'm forever attracted to artistic-types. His personality somewhat reminds me of AW, sans the music/theatre/writing thing.
Maybe I'm ready for the commitment I can't have.
mercredi 26 mars 2008
Reasons why playing with fire is dangerous
In preface, I am entertaining the notion of being involved with AC again. This has fallen into my lap, as it often does, and I'm not resisting too well.
1. He is a player.
2. He will run away after the conquering.
3. He will make promises, break them, and fail to answer/ return my calls.
4. I have much better relationship potential with JS.
5. AC will demand monogamy, even though he will not practice it himself.
5a. He will guilt me into feeling bad about dating other people/ cause me to end a good relationship.
6. He will lie or omit important truths.
7. He will keep me waiting and will make me disappointed.
8. The sex wasn't good before/ he was an asshole about it.
9. Most likely, I will have to sneak him into my host family after hours and sneak him back out.
10. I will get less sleep because spending time with him leads to lots of drinking and many late nights.
Reasons why I can't resist-
1. I am not over him.
2. He's a really cool guy.
3. Fantastic conversation, jokes, etc.
4. There's a certain lure about dating an English musician.
5. My ego.
6. There's a challenge here...
1. He is a player.
2. He will run away after the conquering.
3. He will make promises, break them, and fail to answer/ return my calls.
4. I have much better relationship potential with JS.
5. AC will demand monogamy, even though he will not practice it himself.
5a. He will guilt me into feeling bad about dating other people/ cause me to end a good relationship.
6. He will lie or omit important truths.
7. He will keep me waiting and will make me disappointed.
8. The sex wasn't good before/ he was an asshole about it.
9. Most likely, I will have to sneak him into my host family after hours and sneak him back out.
10. I will get less sleep because spending time with him leads to lots of drinking and many late nights.
Reasons why I can't resist-
1. I am not over him.
2. He's a really cool guy.
3. Fantastic conversation, jokes, etc.
4. There's a certain lure about dating an English musician.
5. My ego.
6. There's a challenge here...
samedi 8 mars 2008
Other life paths
Every once in awhile, I stop and think about the decisions I've made. If I hadn't turned my back on theatre, this would be my last semester. I'd have taken my head shots, be auditioning at cattle-calls, working on my senior seminar. I'd have had one semester of French, for a gen ed requirement, and possibly gone to London for a semester in 2006. I would not be in France and all of this would not be happening. Would I have been able to work through the pain that theatre caused, or would have given up much later in the game? At any rate, it's so strange to think about.
I find myself looking towards going back to the States. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I've changed so much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if I've changed in positive ways and I don't know how I see myself anymore. I feel like I've become manipulative- though I've had friends tell me I haven't. I see that I direct attention to get what I want, I'm extremely egotistical...so leaving theatre did nothing to fill that void. I need to be loved and adored and I feel like I manipulate that.
I don't like these things about myself, but I don't know what to do to change it. So I've hid this week, because going out is expensive and I'm constantly tired. But I hid from making decisions. I made some, but haven't completely followed through on execution. I still want to hide, but even more I want to travel, which I can't do until Easter weekend. Need to go...
I find myself looking towards going back to the States. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I've changed so much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if I've changed in positive ways and I don't know how I see myself anymore. I feel like I've become manipulative- though I've had friends tell me I haven't. I see that I direct attention to get what I want, I'm extremely egotistical...so leaving theatre did nothing to fill that void. I need to be loved and adored and I feel like I manipulate that.
I don't like these things about myself, but I don't know what to do to change it. So I've hid this week, because going out is expensive and I'm constantly tired. But I hid from making decisions. I made some, but haven't completely followed through on execution. I still want to hide, but even more I want to travel, which I can't do until Easter weekend. Need to go...
vendredi 7 mars 2008
making decisions
For some reason, I could no longer wrap my head around dating multiple guys at once. I was unsure about what to do. Most likely I was freaking out again and just need to be okay with it. However, after discussions I realized that the last guy I've met I may want something more. So my friend MW knocked some sense into me. Dump G, who is a French man-whore (and she told me a story that sealed the deal). Go platonic with JE, because that's what I really want from him. I'm a bit afraid of hurting him, but he seems quite resilient. And G presented me with an opportunity...and I did it. Via text message...weird, but necessary.
And then the idea with JS; I won't see him until Sunday. I really, really like him. I think this could go somewhere, or I'm willing to see if we could become a relationship. I don't know what he actually feels, but he definetly was smitten on Saturday. He talked about me/ the situation with his roommate and I think we're on the same page- knowing that we agreed to not serious, but maybe that wasn't what we really wanted, yet having no clue about it. At any rate I'm going to spend more time with him and see if that is really it. And if I end up seeing no one in particular, maybe that's a good thing. I mean, I could try and study or something.....
And then the idea with JS; I won't see him until Sunday. I really, really like him. I think this could go somewhere, or I'm willing to see if we could become a relationship. I don't know what he actually feels, but he definetly was smitten on Saturday. He talked about me/ the situation with his roommate and I think we're on the same page- knowing that we agreed to not serious, but maybe that wasn't what we really wanted, yet having no clue about it. At any rate I'm going to spend more time with him and see if that is really it. And if I end up seeing no one in particular, maybe that's a good thing. I mean, I could try and study or something.....
lundi 25 février 2008
Procrastinating bedtime
1. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
No, but I like the simple around the mouth piercings.
2. Does a kiss make you feel better?
It depends on who is giving the kiss and how they give it.
3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Thankfully, no and I hope to never experience that.
4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Yes, to let it warm up.
5. What did you do today?
3 hour lecture class, home and skipped my class at 17h15.
6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
No
7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I wouldn't say boyfriends, I would says boys I'm dating. But yes, that is my current situation and has been for awhile.
8. Have you ever thought about your death?
Many times
9. Are you paranoid?
Depends on the circumstance
10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
That depends on how I feel. Right now I think I'm happy playing the field, but maybe I'm kidding myself.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dance or Rugby
12. What color is your shower curtain?
Pink
13. Have you ever had stitches?
Chin and back
14. How long ago did you hug someone?
People don't hug in France. I can tell you the last time I bized someone.
{15, 16, 17, and 18 are missing.}
19. What are you doing tomorrow?
Sleeping in, going to class, going out with JS.
{20 is missing.}
21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
I tend to look away and avoid them, as they are numerous in Montpellier.
22. Have you ever run over an animal?
Yes, I have an excellent story about a pheasant from high school.
23. Whats your favorite cereal?
My current fantastic museli cereal
24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
Yes, both American foods impossible to find (without being ripped off) in this country.
25. What are you doing this moment?
Doing this survey instead of going to bed.
26. Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 bucks?
Maybe for 100 euros...
27. Where’s your favorite place to be?
here
28. What’s your favorite song?
I can't pin it down.
29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
Both, sometimes together
30. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
No, but I've laughed at the shoe tree on the U campus
31. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
No, but I should
32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower?
No
33. Do you dream in black and white?
I'm pretty sure I dream in color.
{34 is missing.}
35. Do you snore?
It's more of the cute kind of deep breathing.
36. Have you ever thought about being a model?
No, no, I'm too short.
37. Are you a redneck?
I think I managed to escape that despite growing up on a farm in rural Minnesota.
38. Funniest thing you heard all day?
Today wasn't overly funny.
39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
Of course, I am from MN
40. What are you afraid of?
fear
41. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
Tu veux aller au match de rugby? On se reunit a l'arret de tram ligne 2 Gare a 15h35.
I was hoping it would be in French. From Chris
42. What does the 10th message in your outbox say?
Any plans for the evening? How was the match? To Chris
43. Do you like someone?
Perhaps too many someones...
44. Do they know you like them?
I'm pretty sure we've established that.
No, but I like the simple around the mouth piercings.
2. Does a kiss make you feel better?
It depends on who is giving the kiss and how they give it.
3. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Thankfully, no and I hope to never experience that.
4. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
Yes, to let it warm up.
5. What did you do today?
3 hour lecture class, home and skipped my class at 17h15.
6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
No
7. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I wouldn't say boyfriends, I would says boys I'm dating. But yes, that is my current situation and has been for awhile.
8. Have you ever thought about your death?
Many times
9. Are you paranoid?
Depends on the circumstance
10. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?
That depends on how I feel. Right now I think I'm happy playing the field, but maybe I'm kidding myself.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dance or Rugby
12. What color is your shower curtain?
Pink
13. Have you ever had stitches?
Chin and back
14. How long ago did you hug someone?
People don't hug in France. I can tell you the last time I bized someone.
{15, 16, 17, and 18 are missing.}
19. What are you doing tomorrow?
Sleeping in, going to class, going out with JS.
{20 is missing.}
21. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
I tend to look away and avoid them, as they are numerous in Montpellier.
22. Have you ever run over an animal?
Yes, I have an excellent story about a pheasant from high school.
23. Whats your favorite cereal?
My current fantastic museli cereal
24. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?
Yes, both American foods impossible to find (without being ripped off) in this country.
25. What are you doing this moment?
Doing this survey instead of going to bed.
26. Would you kiss someone of the same sex for 100 bucks?
Maybe for 100 euros...
27. Where’s your favorite place to be?
here
28. What’s your favorite song?
I can't pin it down.
29. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
Both, sometimes together
30. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
No, but I've laughed at the shoe tree on the U campus
31. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
No, but I should
32. Have you ever climbed up a water tower?
No
33. Do you dream in black and white?
I'm pretty sure I dream in color.
{34 is missing.}
35. Do you snore?
It's more of the cute kind of deep breathing.
36. Have you ever thought about being a model?
No, no, I'm too short.
37. Are you a redneck?
I think I managed to escape that despite growing up on a farm in rural Minnesota.
38. Funniest thing you heard all day?
Today wasn't overly funny.
39. Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?
Of course, I am from MN
40. What are you afraid of?
fear
41. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
Tu veux aller au match de rugby? On se reunit a l'arret de tram ligne 2 Gare a 15h35.
I was hoping it would be in French. From Chris
42. What does the 10th message in your outbox say?
Any plans for the evening? How was the match? To Chris
43. Do you like someone?
Perhaps too many someones...
44. Do they know you like them?
I'm pretty sure we've established that.
To wrap my head around this....or maybe I can't
I don't try to do this. This semester, it seems that guys keep falling into my lap. Relaying the stories is interesting, yet I seem to get hung up on my current situation. I haven't had this kind of freedom or so many options before.
Last Wednesday I had an almost and it is still hanging in the air. Long story short, I ran in to N and a friend of his at a pub. I said hello and they came to sit with us. My American friends left one by one and I found myself with N and his friend, AF. N left to pick up his friend from the train station, leaving AF and I talking...flirting...that. I wonder if this is going anywhere, but the bar closes at 1 and we leave. They try to catch the last tram and I get them to head in the direction of chez moi. When parting N bizes me (he's English, this is not natural); AF starts with a handshake and then decides to biz (also English). No phone number exchange between AF and I. N has mine and I his. My game: let this be. Ironically, both are work colleagues, therefore there are possibilities for meeting and soon. However, I'm confused about which one is interested. I don't want to make any decisions.
Friday evening I get "kicked" out of the house and head to chez J for pre-gaming. I get there ridiculously early, due to the massive amounts of people at my place. I meet his roommate, JS. The night is filled with alcohol. Others show up, J's girlfriend MW gets hammered and passes out. People leave to catch trams.... I talk about crashing there out of laziness. Soon it is J, JS, MW and I. JS asks if I want to go to a discotheque, as planned earlier in the evening. We walk into town, as we have missed the last tram. We get to the place, he pays my cover charge and buys me a drink. Drinks lead to dancing, leading to making out, leading to crashing at my place...
Sunday night he calls to make sure this isn't serious and that we are being discrete. He wants to go out with me this week. Still, I felt like I was being used, even though I want nothing serious and discretion.
So to tally and make myself feel a little better (or worse, depending on your take) 1. GG (aka French lover) 2. JE (american in program- no strings attached) 3. CB (2 week fling, but potentially going to visit him in Geneva) 4. JS (american in different subset of program- no strings attached) 5. N 6. AF
But in reality, I can scratch N and AF because nothing has happened. CB can be out, because that will just be a weekend. Right now he is a former fling with possibility of rekindling. So my count is back up to three again. How do I feel about this?
Is this what happens when a girl gets out of a three year relationship and finds herself with options and not being able to say no? But why do I have to? Am I so conditioned by monogamy that I feel guilty. If nothing else, I'm being like a guy...none of the emotional attachment, merely fun. Except that the emotions are creeping in. And have been...
I've been wondering what I've done this semester. It seems I have found it: classes, going out, watching american tv online, and managing my guy endeavors. Maybe I have turned into AC.
Last Wednesday I had an almost and it is still hanging in the air. Long story short, I ran in to N and a friend of his at a pub. I said hello and they came to sit with us. My American friends left one by one and I found myself with N and his friend, AF. N left to pick up his friend from the train station, leaving AF and I talking...flirting...that. I wonder if this is going anywhere, but the bar closes at 1 and we leave. They try to catch the last tram and I get them to head in the direction of chez moi. When parting N bizes me (he's English, this is not natural); AF starts with a handshake and then decides to biz (also English). No phone number exchange between AF and I. N has mine and I his. My game: let this be. Ironically, both are work colleagues, therefore there are possibilities for meeting and soon. However, I'm confused about which one is interested. I don't want to make any decisions.
Friday evening I get "kicked" out of the house and head to chez J for pre-gaming. I get there ridiculously early, due to the massive amounts of people at my place. I meet his roommate, JS. The night is filled with alcohol. Others show up, J's girlfriend MW gets hammered and passes out. People leave to catch trams.... I talk about crashing there out of laziness. Soon it is J, JS, MW and I. JS asks if I want to go to a discotheque, as planned earlier in the evening. We walk into town, as we have missed the last tram. We get to the place, he pays my cover charge and buys me a drink. Drinks lead to dancing, leading to making out, leading to crashing at my place...
Sunday night he calls to make sure this isn't serious and that we are being discrete. He wants to go out with me this week. Still, I felt like I was being used, even though I want nothing serious and discretion.
So to tally and make myself feel a little better (or worse, depending on your take) 1. GG (aka French lover) 2. JE (american in program- no strings attached) 3. CB (2 week fling, but potentially going to visit him in Geneva) 4. JS (american in different subset of program- no strings attached) 5. N 6. AF
But in reality, I can scratch N and AF because nothing has happened. CB can be out, because that will just be a weekend. Right now he is a former fling with possibility of rekindling. So my count is back up to three again. How do I feel about this?
Is this what happens when a girl gets out of a three year relationship and finds herself with options and not being able to say no? But why do I have to? Am I so conditioned by monogamy that I feel guilty. If nothing else, I'm being like a guy...none of the emotional attachment, merely fun. Except that the emotions are creeping in. And have been...
I've been wondering what I've done this semester. It seems I have found it: classes, going out, watching american tv online, and managing my guy endeavors. Maybe I have turned into AC.
samedi 16 février 2008
Valentine's Day
For the first time in 3 years I spent Valentine's Day with no obligations or pressure. Instead, I had a weekend of parties ahead of me and 3 guys in my back pocket.
I went to a work thing-which I hadn't done in awhile. Very little members and mostly staff and so that turned out to be a bit like Thanksgiving in terms of AC. This time I knew better. I wasn't bitter or lonely, I was smart. I could flirt back, simply because it was fun, and I could humor him. But there was another option, a new teacher, N, also from England. I'd met him once or twice and we chatted for awhile. Later when the group went to the Vert he spent a lot of time talking to me away from everyone else. He recommended a book to me and we exchanged phone numbers. I didn't need it to go anywhere, but if it did I wasn't going to turn it down. Perhaps I'm getting bored, but I prefer thinking that he just intrigues me. I had thoughts of him being my escort home after the bar closed. Instead, AC (after throwing out another hint of something again...) vanished and N, being a good friend, apparently found him and took him home.
So now I have another prospect. I suppose it is never good to get involved with colleagues, but this seems harmless because I could behave as I do with JE.
Who by the way was at a party the night before and we were hinting to our involvement. Alcohol or the want of attention or something....I didn't feel like caring. No one probably remembers.
So today as I spend the afternoon relaxing I find myself contemplating having coffee with N. I will make no moves, mostly because I don't know if this is even good. And also because I think I'm turning into AC....
I went to a work thing-which I hadn't done in awhile. Very little members and mostly staff and so that turned out to be a bit like Thanksgiving in terms of AC. This time I knew better. I wasn't bitter or lonely, I was smart. I could flirt back, simply because it was fun, and I could humor him. But there was another option, a new teacher, N, also from England. I'd met him once or twice and we chatted for awhile. Later when the group went to the Vert he spent a lot of time talking to me away from everyone else. He recommended a book to me and we exchanged phone numbers. I didn't need it to go anywhere, but if it did I wasn't going to turn it down. Perhaps I'm getting bored, but I prefer thinking that he just intrigues me. I had thoughts of him being my escort home after the bar closed. Instead, AC (after throwing out another hint of something again...) vanished and N, being a good friend, apparently found him and took him home.
So now I have another prospect. I suppose it is never good to get involved with colleagues, but this seems harmless because I could behave as I do with JE.
Who by the way was at a party the night before and we were hinting to our involvement. Alcohol or the want of attention or something....I didn't feel like caring. No one probably remembers.
So today as I spend the afternoon relaxing I find myself contemplating having coffee with N. I will make no moves, mostly because I don't know if this is even good. And also because I think I'm turning into AC....
dimanche 20 janvier 2008
Rebound
After Friday night's awkwardness of running into my current...fling, not-boyfriend, guy I'm seeing, I seem to have needed some sort of affirmation. I called M and she agreed G has become the French AC. Hence, I should probably stop seeing him.
Saturday, I went to a party at JE's the other guy I'm currently involved with. It was all right. The food was good, but the people were okay. I was rather silent and a bit bored, my own doing. At the end 4 of us end up going to a dance club bar, the same place that I met G. I was deciding whether or not to pick up a guy and one bumped into me. He wanted to dance, and I agreed. I found out he was American (this seems to be a pattern) and fresh of the boat, so to speak. He was rather nerdy, but in an indearing way- the nice, innocent, eager version of nerdy. He was really in awe of me/ his luck/ something, which was nice. I understood the power position I had, but I didn't want to hurt him.
We end up leaving together and talking/etc, but nothing too too serious. He gave me awful hickeys on my neck, so I'm wearing turtlenecks for a week and also having to sneak around the other guy(s) I'm seeing. C is only in Montp' for another 2 weeks and then he'll be in Switzerland for the rest of the semester. I'm giving this a shot only because of that. But, honestly he's growing on me. We spent this afternoon together and I've backed off a lot in terms of physicality. I like being the "nice girl" right now, it makes me feel less whore-ish.
So I now feel like I've turned into the female version of AC. In turn, I feel like I could juggle the 3 guys, including how I thought of not dating G anymore. I think I can be detached.
But really, I need to study- so I seem to have a few excuses to illude the guys this week.
Saturday, I went to a party at JE's the other guy I'm currently involved with. It was all right. The food was good, but the people were okay. I was rather silent and a bit bored, my own doing. At the end 4 of us end up going to a dance club bar, the same place that I met G. I was deciding whether or not to pick up a guy and one bumped into me. He wanted to dance, and I agreed. I found out he was American (this seems to be a pattern) and fresh of the boat, so to speak. He was rather nerdy, but in an indearing way- the nice, innocent, eager version of nerdy. He was really in awe of me/ his luck/ something, which was nice. I understood the power position I had, but I didn't want to hurt him.
We end up leaving together and talking/etc, but nothing too too serious. He gave me awful hickeys on my neck, so I'm wearing turtlenecks for a week and also having to sneak around the other guy(s) I'm seeing. C is only in Montp' for another 2 weeks and then he'll be in Switzerland for the rest of the semester. I'm giving this a shot only because of that. But, honestly he's growing on me. We spent this afternoon together and I've backed off a lot in terms of physicality. I like being the "nice girl" right now, it makes me feel less whore-ish.
So I now feel like I've turned into the female version of AC. In turn, I feel like I could juggle the 3 guys, including how I thought of not dating G anymore. I think I can be detached.
But really, I need to study- so I seem to have a few excuses to illude the guys this week.
samedi 19 janvier 2008
Guilty pleasure
1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
Something I'm trying to wrap my head around at the moment. I find it difficult because there are so many meanings to it.
2. Are you a jealous person?
Probably more than I'd admit.
3. What are you allergic to?
Being guilt-free
4. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Yes, and I hate waiting and knowing yet being angry that they won't do it.
5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Pistachio or mint chocolate chip
6. What would you rather be doing right now?
Not sure, but I should be studying for my art history final.
7. What song lyric, if any, is stuck in your head at the moment?
"Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story"
8. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes, but I biz much more often in France.
9. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
Depends on the personality
10. Can you make others cry easily?
Not sure, but I'm really good at playing games. I don't know if that would lead to crying.
11. Who was the last person to piss you off?
G, because I didn't know what to expect.
12. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
In English, yes....in French, well I'm trying.
13. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
No
14. Were you a "planned" child?
Yes
15. Last thing said?
Merci....ou quelque chose comme ca
16. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
8-9 ish
17. What is your most unfavorite alcoholic drink?
Some horrible thing that I had at the Up & Down in October
18. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Umm....
19. Would you ever be attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Yes, if the intelligence/emotional attraction was really strong.
20. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Possibly
21. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
I'll take handouts, I admit it.
22. Do you currently want any piercings or tattoos?
Not anymore, although the face piercings around the mouth are cute on certain people.
23. What movies do you know the lines to?
Most movies from my childhood.
24. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
No, but I have entertained the notion.
25. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I've told secrets this week....
26. What should you be doing right now?
Studying
27. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
depends on how outgoing I feel at that moment
28. When was your last road trip?
road trip, I suppose with Mom touring southern France over Christmas break
30. What are you thinking about right now?
Last night...ehh
31. Who's house did you last go to?
chez Emma et Jessica...or chez moi maintenant
32. Do you like your hometown?
Now that I've left it....
34. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I've got 3 on today....Anne Taylor Loft, The Limited, Express
35. Where is the last place you took a ride to?
Tram...anywhere in Montp' or train to Bordeaux
36. What was the last thing you ate?
lunch
37.Would you kiss the person you last kissed again?
Yes, probably
38.Where were you last night?
At a party trying to not be awkward, but failing
Something I'm trying to wrap my head around at the moment. I find it difficult because there are so many meanings to it.
2. Are you a jealous person?
Probably more than I'd admit.
3. What are you allergic to?
Being guilt-free
4. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Yes, and I hate waiting and knowing yet being angry that they won't do it.
5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Pistachio or mint chocolate chip
6. What would you rather be doing right now?
Not sure, but I should be studying for my art history final.
7. What song lyric, if any, is stuck in your head at the moment?
"Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story"
8. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes, but I biz much more often in France.
9. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
Depends on the personality
10. Can you make others cry easily?
Not sure, but I'm really good at playing games. I don't know if that would lead to crying.
11. Who was the last person to piss you off?
G, because I didn't know what to expect.
12. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
In English, yes....in French, well I'm trying.
13. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
No
14. Were you a "planned" child?
Yes
15. Last thing said?
Merci....ou quelque chose comme ca
16. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
8-9 ish
17. What is your most unfavorite alcoholic drink?
Some horrible thing that I had at the Up & Down in October
18. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Umm....
19. Would you ever be attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Yes, if the intelligence/emotional attraction was really strong.
20. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Possibly
21. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
I'll take handouts, I admit it.
22. Do you currently want any piercings or tattoos?
Not anymore, although the face piercings around the mouth are cute on certain people.
23. What movies do you know the lines to?
Most movies from my childhood.
24. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
No, but I have entertained the notion.
25. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I've told secrets this week....
26. What should you be doing right now?
Studying
27. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
depends on how outgoing I feel at that moment
28. When was your last road trip?
road trip, I suppose with Mom touring southern France over Christmas break
30. What are you thinking about right now?
Last night...ehh
31. Who's house did you last go to?
chez Emma et Jessica...or chez moi maintenant
32. Do you like your hometown?
Now that I've left it....
34. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I've got 3 on today....Anne Taylor Loft, The Limited, Express
35. Where is the last place you took a ride to?
Tram...anywhere in Montp' or train to Bordeaux
36. What was the last thing you ate?
lunch
37.Would you kiss the person you last kissed again?
Yes, probably
38.Where were you last night?
At a party trying to not be awkward, but failing
dimanche 13 janvier 2008
Mistakes of the past
I got a phone call out of the blue today, from JM. She asked a simple question, "Did I go out with AC on Thanksgiving." "Yes." That was it.
I mentioned something of that on Friday at a party. Not to a friend of hers, but I supposed another close by may have overheard. I feel the need to reach out to JM. She's probably hurt and confused and found herself caught in AC's lies. She wasn't a friend of mine, and frankly I was jealous and didn't care.
Should I send something discretely? A simple- if you want answers, I can give you mine. I don't know what you are going through, but if you want truth I can tell you my version.
I mentioned something of that on Friday at a party. Not to a friend of hers, but I supposed another close by may have overheard. I feel the need to reach out to JM. She's probably hurt and confused and found herself caught in AC's lies. She wasn't a friend of mine, and frankly I was jealous and didn't care.
Should I send something discretely? A simple- if you want answers, I can give you mine. I don't know what you are going through, but if you want truth I can tell you my version.
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