tomorrow commences finals week. a week from today i'll be back in minnesota. i'm not sure how i feel about that. when school was closing in around me i really wanted to leave. now, i want to be away. i just want to go somewhere else. this is going to be the only summer i spend at home. every other summer i'm going to work or go to school or something. i am not going back again. it's just a freshman thing.
i've been going off campus a lot lately. it saves me.....keeps me from tearing my hair out. i'm tired of school, but i hate being so cramped.
I'm oddly wishing for L and S. I e-mailed S last week...telling her I'll be in Portland briefly next fall. I haven't seen her since SLH 2001, so long ago. we've changed so much....and for me they've been the biggest changes of my life. i'm unsure what that meeting would entail. but i hope that we have enough other kindred qualtities that didn't change with growing up that much more. L at least is closer to me....distance-wise. I miss them both. I want a female confidante. AW suits me well....especially since we've been able to spend more time together.
Math final tomorrow...sleeping to be done....studying in the morning
dimanche 8 mai 2005
jeudi 28 avril 2005
writers block
why is this strangely reminiscent of last year during classic novels when i was utterly miserable. am i utterly miserable right now? i don't know, i don't think so.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
goddammit fucking mother cock sucker
i'm angry....i feel like yelling and throwing things. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing over and over again....endless obscenities....
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
mardi 26 avril 2005
tired of school
3 weeks....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
lundi 18 avril 2005
should be doing work
senior skip day....aka, everyone skips.....only two classes today, makes my life that much better.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
lundi 28 mars 2005
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
breakdown
i don't know what it is with me. something made me collapse last night....or that's how i can best categorize it. i was annoyed because the line learning wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. I didn't know the part we went over in rehearsal because I hadn't gotten to it yet. That settled me into a mood....a will to be withdrawn, as if by withdrawing I could discover what I needed to about my character to take it past a mediocre performance. because that's precisely what this part was turning into, a mediocre performance. i've had nothing but mediocre performances since i've been here. i feel like i'm not progressing at all....on any front.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
lundi 21 mars 2005
cigarettes and cranberry juice
tonight was my character development work....basically, an excuse for girl talk, a bit of alcohol, and P teaching me how to smoke a cigarette. We were sitting around Dr. M's loft apartment (fabulous) in downtown Rockford....AL, P and I. I have a drink and progressively get more buzzed as the conversation wears on.....only natural because I'm a light weight that practically never drinks and probably wouldn't hold it well.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
dimanche 13 mars 2005
nostalgic in ny
the last day of spring break..... 2 days ago i was in ny.....3 days ago i was hanging out with K
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
dimanche 20 février 2005
musings
i've been going stir-crazy in my room for the past couple of hours. i'm wanting to venture out or at least find a bit of conversation, but it's already 11 and AW didn't answer his phone. i'm debating whether or not to be persistent about it. E feels like being independent and doing some self-analysis.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
dimanche 13 février 2005
Confused, or perhaps I just broke out of it
Pondering again, never a good sign. And of course, the subject is always the same....AW.
Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.
Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.
Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?
I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.
Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.
Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.
Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?
I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.
vendredi 4 février 2005
late night rehearsal, again
so, i'm stuck here for the second act because we're blocking the curtain call. here i sit at 1 o clock in the morning, i could be getting some sleep right now. but hey, it could be much, much worse. i had my huge stuperstious fuck up, so I'm ok now. The show will be fine tomorrow
A talked to me online today while I was trying to write my e-mail for acting class. it surprised me how the conversation was refreshing instead of forced. i think we could truly be good friends now, and i'm not just saying that. i still think he loves me, but it's diminished to a respect love instead of romantic. that is something very good that i can deal with. maybe i will see him once or twice when i come home this summer. wait, he'll be at basic...i'll write.
Because of my hectic schedule, I've spent very little time AW this week- save occassional meals and classes. The lack of attention made me somewhat unhappy. But I guess it keeps irking me that he keeps bringing up AC, a girl he's going to cast in his show. Granted, she's absolutely perfect for the part, gorgeous, etc. He just keeps joking about it like she's his new obsession. I play along, of course. How could I not? But it just annoys me that I seem to be hearing about her constantly for the last 2 days. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But then he brings up the fact that LU has a huge crush on me. Something very apparent in AW's eyes....I'm rather ignorant about that sort of thing. I can hardly supress a smile (good thing his back was to me). So I guess the 2 of us are unconciously getting back at each other.
My fatigue is setting in. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'll probably go to sleep after finishing this post. Damn show, I'll be so happy when its over on Saturday.
A talked to me online today while I was trying to write my e-mail for acting class. it surprised me how the conversation was refreshing instead of forced. i think we could truly be good friends now, and i'm not just saying that. i still think he loves me, but it's diminished to a respect love instead of romantic. that is something very good that i can deal with. maybe i will see him once or twice when i come home this summer. wait, he'll be at basic...i'll write.
Because of my hectic schedule, I've spent very little time AW this week- save occassional meals and classes. The lack of attention made me somewhat unhappy. But I guess it keeps irking me that he keeps bringing up AC, a girl he's going to cast in his show. Granted, she's absolutely perfect for the part, gorgeous, etc. He just keeps joking about it like she's his new obsession. I play along, of course. How could I not? But it just annoys me that I seem to be hearing about her constantly for the last 2 days. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But then he brings up the fact that LU has a huge crush on me. Something very apparent in AW's eyes....I'm rather ignorant about that sort of thing. I can hardly supress a smile (good thing his back was to me). So I guess the 2 of us are unconciously getting back at each other.
My fatigue is setting in. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'll probably go to sleep after finishing this post. Damn show, I'll be so happy when its over on Saturday.
mercredi 26 janvier 2005
out of sorts
things have been swimming in my head for several days. feelings of negativity, uncertainty, and restlessness. i want something to happen, yet at the same time i want to slow down. these things need elaboration....in a random numerical order
1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.
2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.
3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.
4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.
now, will i have the guts to go through with it?
1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.
2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.
3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.
4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.
now, will i have the guts to go through with it?
dimanche 23 janvier 2005
Unsure
What has become of me? I've been longing to be back...and granted I'm happy that I'm here. But I've suddenly become questioning everything surrounding me; making unnescessary comparisons of myself, second-guessing my social demeanor, my so-called talent, all of this personal bullshit that i shouldn't be stressing in the first place. I've painted myself into a corner and I'm caught between trying to determine if this is what I really want and if I should try to get out of it. I like being separated, but at the same time I think I shouldn't be. I keep slowly trying to pick AW's brain about us, he senses it. Why I can't just be satisfied with how things are, I don't know. Why do I have to know if he cares about me and how much? Why do I have to know what he thinks of me or how he finds me attractive? Am I that insecure that I have to keep searching for reassurance? But at the same time, as I spouted off stories that angered me in high school, he told me I'd never been that angry/ annoyed around him. Somehow that caught me off guard. If I haven't been that way around him, who have I been telling my problems to? No one. I'm treating this like a relationship, I'm afraid of opening up for fear of being kicked to the curb....a fear that doesn't even seem to be feasible in this case.
I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.
Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.
But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.
I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.
Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.
But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.
samedi 8 janvier 2005
late, but not really
for some reason the house has the air of making it appear after midnight, when in reality it is not yet 9:30....so early. man, how long ago was it when i would just be preparing to do something...when i would fall into my bed at 2, 3 in the morning. i have no stamina for that right now. i'm like an old person, or an infant. i miss college.
and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.
one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.
and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.
one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.
mercredi 29 décembre 2004
Home....when can I go back?
I'm tired of being here....today is my midway point....halfway through my 3rd week. Far too much time, if you ask me. Next year I'm either taking classes or getting a job. Forget this twiddling of thumbs, etc.
But most of all, I hate the state of mind this sets for me. Its as if everything that I've built for myself away from here is stripped away to reveal my innocent naivete of high school. I come back and feel that maybe I haven't changed after all. What happened to those independent ideals I set for myself? What happened to that work ethic I perfected and maintained (and got straight A's my first semester in college, thank you very much)? What happened to that slight, ever so slight, feeling of worldliness? Was that just an illusion- my overcoming of issues I previously faced last year? I don't know anymore. Being here turns me into the hick that I was trying to out run. I sit at home....do the same things I did last year over Christmas vacation, minus the work of my online class. The only difference this time is the duration....and the fact that I sporadically call AW every few days. (I'm still not wanting to be seen as desperate and clingy, though am slowing losing my guard.) I don't go out....and yes, I have been slightly ill...but everyone is going back this weekend and I still have 2 more weeks. This week is the prime week to socialize and I haven't been out, save my visits to the gym and miscellaneous errands. My weekend rendevous with AW in Minneapolis fell through, like I knew it would. I don't resent it, but it still disappoints me.
Why can't I go back on the 3rd like everyone else? What's with this 5 week break business? Next year I'm taking classes.
But most of all, I hate the state of mind this sets for me. Its as if everything that I've built for myself away from here is stripped away to reveal my innocent naivete of high school. I come back and feel that maybe I haven't changed after all. What happened to those independent ideals I set for myself? What happened to that work ethic I perfected and maintained (and got straight A's my first semester in college, thank you very much)? What happened to that slight, ever so slight, feeling of worldliness? Was that just an illusion- my overcoming of issues I previously faced last year? I don't know anymore. Being here turns me into the hick that I was trying to out run. I sit at home....do the same things I did last year over Christmas vacation, minus the work of my online class. The only difference this time is the duration....and the fact that I sporadically call AW every few days. (I'm still not wanting to be seen as desperate and clingy, though am slowing losing my guard.) I don't go out....and yes, I have been slightly ill...but everyone is going back this weekend and I still have 2 more weeks. This week is the prime week to socialize and I haven't been out, save my visits to the gym and miscellaneous errands. My weekend rendevous with AW in Minneapolis fell through, like I knew it would. I don't resent it, but it still disappoints me.
Why can't I go back on the 3rd like everyone else? What's with this 5 week break business? Next year I'm taking classes.
jeudi 16 décembre 2004
Limited
Thanks to me being at home....which includes an extremely slow internet connection and a limitation on internet time per month.....i will be posting less. Instead, I shall turn to the old-fashioned journal. Never mind that I forgot mine at college....beginning anew, yet again.
I'm finding I get boughts of "college-sickness". Odd, because I never had homesickness when I moved. It's these evenings...I sit at home typically without anything to do. While at school the night would just be getting started. Typically I'd be at rehearsal now....or last week when I would call up AW during a time of bordeum. I miss those nights laying in his room, watching television or running lines or anything. I need interaction with people who are my peers. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and my parent's friends. I've had bits of conversation with people who weren't really my friends in high school.....they were the people I kept thinking I should be friends with. Suddenly, after I've graduated I find I'm a part of the neo-theatre group. I'll talk to L soon enough and get away from home for awhile. Meanwhile, I miss AW and have a very strong urge to call him. I'll supress it probably...I wasn't planning on calling until Saturday.
I'm finding I get boughts of "college-sickness". Odd, because I never had homesickness when I moved. It's these evenings...I sit at home typically without anything to do. While at school the night would just be getting started. Typically I'd be at rehearsal now....or last week when I would call up AW during a time of bordeum. I miss those nights laying in his room, watching television or running lines or anything. I need interaction with people who are my peers. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and my parent's friends. I've had bits of conversation with people who weren't really my friends in high school.....they were the people I kept thinking I should be friends with. Suddenly, after I've graduated I find I'm a part of the neo-theatre group. I'll talk to L soon enough and get away from home for awhile. Meanwhile, I miss AW and have a very strong urge to call him. I'll supress it probably...I wasn't planning on calling until Saturday.
mardi 7 décembre 2004
in preparation for my final...ugg, final
okay, time management skills, don't fail me now. I want this done by dinner at about 5, which leaves me a good 3 hours to prepare for my oral presentation final tomorrow. after going through the material yet again last night in attempt to understand it. i basically have a handle on what she's trying to say. and although i'm inclined to agree with her arguements, i see through their validity. i'm not a hard-core feminist, but i'm in support of feminism. besides, her arguements are thoughts i tend to pick apart in my head sometimes. but the way she goes about discribing them makes herself seem lofty....and with very little evidence to back it up. why did i choose this section? AW was a sounding board for some of the more complicated syntax. after he helped me pick apart somethings, he tore the entire passage to pieces- at least the main idea and her writing style. so what passion i had for the writing has dissipated somewhat. nevertheless, i must plunge through. besides, its only a 5 minute presetation. and from what my prof was saying, 5 minutes is the minimum...so i just have to be thurough with my presentation and i'll be fine. ideally i'd like to be at 6 minutes or something. he's said 5-7 minutes and then it was 5-10, then it sounded like there wasn't a time limit. i'll see how this goes.
lundi 6 décembre 2004
Can't think
i'm sitting in the library trying to find the frame of mind to wade through this chapter. from first glance it isn't intimidating- a mere eight pages or something of the sort. when trying to outline it, my brain plunges into the pitfalls of fatigue, etc. gone are my aspirations to complete most of this today. grr. nevertheless, my goals for today remain the same- read the chapter, outline it, free write/ summarize it. i'm on page 2 of outlining it. brain, work, dammit. ah well, perhaps a break. something to get my thoughts moving again.
Okay...thinking...thinking intelligently.....that's wishful thinking in itself.
I need an escape. I need as escape from this life of academia, which will only last 3 more days for me, three days not even full of classes or work in general. That's what I like about these breaks, no preparation needed. I'm in between classes. All I have to do worry about textbooks, which I'll most likely buy when I get back and then get them online. I need the escape of converation with a real person and not just my own thoughts. Get through this and search out someone....someone, who i'm hoping could be AW, if he doesn't have any finals at the moment.
Found better music, much more condusive to studying. Time to work...this time for certain.
Okay...thinking...thinking intelligently.....that's wishful thinking in itself.
I need an escape. I need as escape from this life of academia, which will only last 3 more days for me, three days not even full of classes or work in general. That's what I like about these breaks, no preparation needed. I'm in between classes. All I have to do worry about textbooks, which I'll most likely buy when I get back and then get them online. I need the escape of converation with a real person and not just my own thoughts. Get through this and search out someone....someone, who i'm hoping could be AW, if he doesn't have any finals at the moment.
Found better music, much more condusive to studying. Time to work...this time for certain.
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