after spring break...good and bad. i had another moment of sobbing and not wanting to go. the reasons became clear to me later in the week. My aunt M died. She died the night when I was upset, and on sunday no one knew yet that she was dead. I believe she reached out to me and I didn't know how to deal with it.
I flew home for the funeral. I've been back since monday.
Today i'm feeling really sick. My acid reflux seems pretty consistant. If it is related to stress than its triggered by the awful food at burpee....at least that's my logic. AW says I should go to Lang tomorrow and ask about which hospitial I should go....i have insurance through the school. I spent all afternoon sleeping instead of working. I have a large French test tomorrow and I have to work a forum tonight.
I keep wondering if something more serious is wrong with me. Maybe with all of the digestive health problems in my family...have i gotten something, too.
I have to be downstairs in a few minutes. Lets see if i have the stamina to get through tonight and the rest of the week,
jeudi 16 mars 2006
dimanche 5 mars 2006
florida?
It's been a particularily stressful week. Midterms, yes, but I only had two and they weren't very taxing. Instead, I had a grant proposal and lots of work for TA and Vocal Collective. 10 hours is entirely too much for someone who only works 8ish. Plus, I'd missed many meals this week...another this that seems to trigger bad moods.
Last night, I saw AW's sister in Grease. High school musical, etc etc. She played Rizzo and did a fabulous job. Perhaps a future in it? Anywho...it just seemed to....upset me. I'm not sure why. Maybe something to do with me completely severing myself from theatre. I seem to think complete deprivation would be the best way to heal from my bad experience. I realized it was too painful to be even going to see shows. I guess what really made it hurt is seeing myself 2-3 eariler and being happy and passionate. I found my drive in theatre....but it doesn't exist anymore. I had a weird vision of going to my next school and auditioning for something, perhaps getting a good part. Now, I'm not sure if I can even do that.
I think me being around it sometimes is just too painful. But, theatre is such a large of part of the people who are close to me. AW is going to grad school for theatre. My parents run my hometown community theatre. They both act, direct, build, design, produce.... I can't get away from it.
I lost it while I was at AW's last night. I left because I was crying and decided to come downstairs to seek comfort. Bad idea. I just got into a fight with AW because he just asked me to explain why I was crying. I can never explain to the point of his approval in those situations. He kept asking me why and I could only tell him why in general statements. He got really pissed at me when I started surmizing about mental illness. I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep.
I didn't want to go to Florida with Vocal Collective. I kept thinking how easy it would be if I could go to O Hare and get on a plane to Fargo instead. My parents would pick me up. They'd be happy, but sad. Every sign that I'm not functioning properly makes them more concerned and less likely to let me go away next year.
At that point I would have said, "Fine, I'll go to school in Minnesota. I'll even apply to Concordia for you. I won't consider acceptances from Lewis & Clark or Sarah Lawrence. I just want to come home."
I still want to do that. I felt better initially this morning. I'm all alone in AW's house. I kept myself busy by getting ready and rearranging my suitcase. Now, I have nothing to do but dwell on last night's feelings. Thinking about it again, I realized I don't want to go.
AW told me last night- If I don't go to Florida, consider myself out of the Vocal Collective and losing 3000 dollars of scholarship money. It's only the money that's tying me to stay in the group. I don't like it. If it wasn't scholarship choir, I wouldn't have been in it this semester. Plus, my job. I really do like my job, but I wish I could be annoynomus in it. I don't want to be in every choir to get a better handle on things.
I'll probably end up going. I may end up calling my parents just to get thorugh the trip. But there are tears in my eyes as I'm typing so maybe I won't function so well. Maybe I should bring Kleenex with me. This reminds me of when I was flying back to Rockford. I cried a lot the night before and the morning I was flying. I don't want to go to Florida.
I don't want to go.
Last night, I saw AW's sister in Grease. High school musical, etc etc. She played Rizzo and did a fabulous job. Perhaps a future in it? Anywho...it just seemed to....upset me. I'm not sure why. Maybe something to do with me completely severing myself from theatre. I seem to think complete deprivation would be the best way to heal from my bad experience. I realized it was too painful to be even going to see shows. I guess what really made it hurt is seeing myself 2-3 eariler and being happy and passionate. I found my drive in theatre....but it doesn't exist anymore. I had a weird vision of going to my next school and auditioning for something, perhaps getting a good part. Now, I'm not sure if I can even do that.
I think me being around it sometimes is just too painful. But, theatre is such a large of part of the people who are close to me. AW is going to grad school for theatre. My parents run my hometown community theatre. They both act, direct, build, design, produce.... I can't get away from it.
I lost it while I was at AW's last night. I left because I was crying and decided to come downstairs to seek comfort. Bad idea. I just got into a fight with AW because he just asked me to explain why I was crying. I can never explain to the point of his approval in those situations. He kept asking me why and I could only tell him why in general statements. He got really pissed at me when I started surmizing about mental illness. I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep.
I didn't want to go to Florida with Vocal Collective. I kept thinking how easy it would be if I could go to O Hare and get on a plane to Fargo instead. My parents would pick me up. They'd be happy, but sad. Every sign that I'm not functioning properly makes them more concerned and less likely to let me go away next year.
At that point I would have said, "Fine, I'll go to school in Minnesota. I'll even apply to Concordia for you. I won't consider acceptances from Lewis & Clark or Sarah Lawrence. I just want to come home."
I still want to do that. I felt better initially this morning. I'm all alone in AW's house. I kept myself busy by getting ready and rearranging my suitcase. Now, I have nothing to do but dwell on last night's feelings. Thinking about it again, I realized I don't want to go.
AW told me last night- If I don't go to Florida, consider myself out of the Vocal Collective and losing 3000 dollars of scholarship money. It's only the money that's tying me to stay in the group. I don't like it. If it wasn't scholarship choir, I wouldn't have been in it this semester. Plus, my job. I really do like my job, but I wish I could be annoynomus in it. I don't want to be in every choir to get a better handle on things.
I'll probably end up going. I may end up calling my parents just to get thorugh the trip. But there are tears in my eyes as I'm typing so maybe I won't function so well. Maybe I should bring Kleenex with me. This reminds me of when I was flying back to Rockford. I cried a lot the night before and the morning I was flying. I don't want to go to Florida.
I don't want to go.
jeudi 2 mars 2006
Restless and lazy
After a rather long week, here I sit watching Donnie Darko. I have miscellanous personal things to do, but I'm not inclined to move. I've spent my open day working...VC, French class grant proposal, etc.
I was talking to EC today. She's very happy to be going home to California for break- her life has been really shitty the past month. She's had it much, much worse than I have. All the same, I envy her for going home. I'm not really wanting to go to Florida; it won't be a vacation for me. This choir tour will be in the middle of MASLC and my high school trip. I'm thinking it will be more like the later, something I'm not looking forward to. I only wish I were going home because I don't want to be with the people in VC for a week. I don't want to perform. I just want to relax.
And I'm afraid of sunburns.
Tomorrow:
no 9:00 class, I love MD
theory...grrr
11:00 mtg for French grant
choir....bleh
French!
Work? most likely....i'm already over my quota for the week...no rest
VC rehearsal
bank/ shoe shopping
VC concert
Leave for Wisconsin with AW?
I'm very tired.
I was talking to EC today. She's very happy to be going home to California for break- her life has been really shitty the past month. She's had it much, much worse than I have. All the same, I envy her for going home. I'm not really wanting to go to Florida; it won't be a vacation for me. This choir tour will be in the middle of MASLC and my high school trip. I'm thinking it will be more like the later, something I'm not looking forward to. I only wish I were going home because I don't want to be with the people in VC for a week. I don't want to perform. I just want to relax.
And I'm afraid of sunburns.
Tomorrow:
no 9:00 class, I love MD
theory...grrr
11:00 mtg for French grant
choir....bleh
French!
Work? most likely....i'm already over my quota for the week...no rest
VC rehearsal
bank/ shoe shopping
VC concert
Leave for Wisconsin with AW?
I'm very tired.
jeudi 23 février 2006
past, present, future
past: talking to one of my friends from high school on msn. i feel so old and so removed from that place and that group of friends. she hasn't changed, despite life experiences. i wonder if i haven't changed either. we're asking the usual questions, giving the usual responses....online small talk. i know that i can never go back to Elbow Lake.
present: my transfer apps are finished. all i have to do is sit and wait. meanwhile spring break is a week away. time will determine if my break will actually be relaxing. i'm not sure. school is seeming less stressful since my apps are done.
future: in the meantime, its fun to think about where i'll be in the future. i wonder if i'll be excepted everywhere?
present: my transfer apps are finished. all i have to do is sit and wait. meanwhile spring break is a week away. time will determine if my break will actually be relaxing. i'm not sure. school is seeming less stressful since my apps are done.
future: in the meantime, its fun to think about where i'll be in the future. i wonder if i'll be excepted everywhere?
jeudi 16 février 2006
fucking acid reflux...grrr
so...i'm back to being allergic to burpee food. a dull and constant ache in my esphogus is not how i want to spend my day. but there is a thunderstorm outside and apparently it's really slippery. such strange february weather in IL. SS told me i was allowed to be lazy since its so terrible out. I was going to write a college app essay, no avail.
i actually have to get moving on all of that. I want all of it done by Mondayish. Not that much time. I still have 3 to write and i have to finish certain portions of my application.
time for sex and the city
i actually have to get moving on all of that. I want all of it done by Mondayish. Not that much time. I still have 3 to write and i have to finish certain portions of my application.
time for sex and the city
dimanche 12 février 2006
essays
what have i learned? in academia, in life, my own identity....i need something great to prove that i'm more than just a piece of paper. i have a personality and its real.
I spent all of my advanced acting class trying to find me. The entire concept of it seems cliche; why should people who present other characters find their personalities? The actor must be honest. For the entire semester I tried to lose my "acting charade" and be real. In a strange way, my acting class mirrored my personal battles that semester.
I had spent 19 years carving out my personality and how I presented it to the world. Everytime I stepped out of the bubble of my small hometown, I would find refuge in the girl seeing the world from her aloof viewpoint. I learned to listen rather than talk. For someone surrounded by people with a more worldly opinions, it seemed the safe thing to do.
I returned to find myself equally removed from my comfortable environment. I formed my identity as the artistic girl. My interests were theatre, art, music, and trying to make myself appear unique in a school full of generic blonde clones. I succeeded.
In college, I found myself returning to the same aloof security. This time I was in the theatre department. I could no longer find my uniqueness in being "the girl that's into theatre". Instead, I let them do the talking. I listened to their outrageous stories and their gossip. I listened to them backstab their friends and bitch about cast lists.
I spent all of my advanced acting class trying to find me. The entire concept of it seems cliche; why should people who present other characters find their personalities? The actor must be honest. For the entire semester I tried to lose my "acting charade" and be real. In a strange way, my acting class mirrored my personal battles that semester.
I had spent 19 years carving out my personality and how I presented it to the world. Everytime I stepped out of the bubble of my small hometown, I would find refuge in the girl seeing the world from her aloof viewpoint. I learned to listen rather than talk. For someone surrounded by people with a more worldly opinions, it seemed the safe thing to do.
I returned to find myself equally removed from my comfortable environment. I formed my identity as the artistic girl. My interests were theatre, art, music, and trying to make myself appear unique in a school full of generic blonde clones. I succeeded.
In college, I found myself returning to the same aloof security. This time I was in the theatre department. I could no longer find my uniqueness in being "the girl that's into theatre". Instead, I let them do the talking. I listened to their outrageous stories and their gossip. I listened to them backstab their friends and bitch about cast lists.
samedi 11 février 2006
red kimono
after having spent most of my day lounging about watching sex in the city, i seem to emerge from it playfully bored and am lounging around the room in my red kimono bathrobe. it's strangely hot in here....the fan is going and the window is open (it is winter after all, and most likely below freezing...). i wait for AW to finish work. i've packed and that seems to be all i'm capable of for the moment. hell, i'm not even dressed.
i feel like i should be sipping a glass of wine or a cosmo. i'm listening to old jazz standards and thinking i should be wearing diamonds, heels, and drinking alcohol. too much exposure to the life of a thirty-something? but, everything i'm wanting in my life now, or for future, aspires to be that of a thiry-something. god, how i want my own place and the ability to pay for it.
sometimes the "privilege" of being a college student seems to disappear. these are supposed to be the years when one finishes molding their adult identity. i feel like i've taken steps forward only to find i've fallen down a flight of stairs. i feel like i'm a sophomore in high school with only the memory of the journey to remind me that i'm near 20 instead of 16.
have i learned anything from this?
"you go to my head..." last spring break in ny- my rendezvous with K. hey sang that song in radio hour a million years ago. i oddly miss him. he was so lovely to me, much more wonderful that i ever expected. we were never close. i had the feeling if his gf hadn't been there, and if we weren't so....reserved...well, i would have done it. that doesn't mean anything though. i did always have this weird feeling that we were supposed to end up together.
AW- that's a whole new chapter in my life. fall of 2004 was completely different than now. we go from being "good friends" to extremely-serious-maybe-we'll-get-married-in-a-few-years. i'm very happy with him and it surprises me that i can be so happy with him. it seems like only recently have we reached the honeymoon stage....a year and a half, almost 2. my longest relationship, thus far. the only way i can imagine it falling apart is distance and one or both slipping. knowing me, i'd be the likely culprit to do it.
almost an hour to departure time. i better get dressed.
i feel like i should be sipping a glass of wine or a cosmo. i'm listening to old jazz standards and thinking i should be wearing diamonds, heels, and drinking alcohol. too much exposure to the life of a thirty-something? but, everything i'm wanting in my life now, or for future, aspires to be that of a thiry-something. god, how i want my own place and the ability to pay for it.
sometimes the "privilege" of being a college student seems to disappear. these are supposed to be the years when one finishes molding their adult identity. i feel like i've taken steps forward only to find i've fallen down a flight of stairs. i feel like i'm a sophomore in high school with only the memory of the journey to remind me that i'm near 20 instead of 16.
have i learned anything from this?
"you go to my head..." last spring break in ny- my rendezvous with K. hey sang that song in radio hour a million years ago. i oddly miss him. he was so lovely to me, much more wonderful that i ever expected. we were never close. i had the feeling if his gf hadn't been there, and if we weren't so....reserved...well, i would have done it. that doesn't mean anything though. i did always have this weird feeling that we were supposed to end up together.
AW- that's a whole new chapter in my life. fall of 2004 was completely different than now. we go from being "good friends" to extremely-serious-maybe-we'll-get-married-in-a-few-years. i'm very happy with him and it surprises me that i can be so happy with him. it seems like only recently have we reached the honeymoon stage....a year and a half, almost 2. my longest relationship, thus far. the only way i can imagine it falling apart is distance and one or both slipping. knowing me, i'd be the likely culprit to do it.
almost an hour to departure time. i better get dressed.
jeudi 9 février 2006
procrastination
the temptation to sleep is quickly overriding my need to study. lesson number one, always get the requirred texts for each class. i'm missing the cd from my world music class- a class that's about expanding one's culture of music-aka, must listen to samples....well....
but i can fake well enough. if nothing else, i may steal someone's cd and burn it before the next test. but, i don't really know anyone in the class.
tomorrow's friday. this semester's end can't come soon enough. i don't even want to go on my spring break trip. i want it to be summer for 3 weeks (Paris!) and then i can go to a different school. everything is just so repetitive here. i'm sick of the monotony.
i'm tempted to scrap all involvement in the arts to just hobbies. no music/theatre/art major for me. i won't put in the time. i'm not an artist, just an artistic personality. i don't have any drive for creativity and perfection in a strange combination.
i need to move on from here. i feel so stuck in ways that i can't escape. time for a new something.
but i can fake well enough. if nothing else, i may steal someone's cd and burn it before the next test. but, i don't really know anyone in the class.
tomorrow's friday. this semester's end can't come soon enough. i don't even want to go on my spring break trip. i want it to be summer for 3 weeks (Paris!) and then i can go to a different school. everything is just so repetitive here. i'm sick of the monotony.
i'm tempted to scrap all involvement in the arts to just hobbies. no music/theatre/art major for me. i won't put in the time. i'm not an artist, just an artistic personality. i don't have any drive for creativity and perfection in a strange combination.
i need to move on from here. i feel so stuck in ways that i can't escape. time for a new something.
mardi 7 février 2006
so it seems i've gotten payback
in light of all the shittyness of yesterday....did i write a post about that?
1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face
So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.
is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?
things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.
1. had a frustrating comment from my parents
2. suffered an emotional breakdown later because of it: the usual, crying, not eating
3. EC TA took me out to dinner and talked me down
4. felt better and called my parents....blew up in my face
So, today i decided to go ahead with my transfer process, but i'm including 2 close to home/ safety schools. I made headway on the app process and feel really organized. but i went to my first class for 15 minutes, left because of queaziness and promptly threw up once i got there. the toilet and i have gotten to know each other very well this year.
is this infact payback for my somewhat adolescant outburst?
things are better now. i can eat, i finished my homework, and apologized to my parents.
lundi 6 février 2006
frustrated with apps....parents....etc
so...after my lovely phone conversation with mom i feel like giving up on this whole process. yes, i know slc is expensive and yes, i'm not confident on getting in. but i still want to try. it just this business of the breakdown and how they think being close to home would actually be good for me. it won't. i need to go away. i've been needing that for a long time.
nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.
i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.
i wish aw were back.
nevertheless, i'm trying to appease them by finding safety schools nearby. maybe i'll just apply to every school in the midwest.
i want to crawl into a hole and pretend the world stopped. maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with anything.
i wish aw were back.
samedi 4 février 2006
transfering business
it seems as if i've made my decision. Suddenly, I have college app preparation piling up on me. Essays, applications, transcripts, and the like all seem to be looming.
The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR
I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.
Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.
I feel like a lost high school senior again.
The contenders thus far: (in order of deadline)
Sarah Lawrence College; Bronxville, NY
Macalester College; St. Paul, MN
Lewis & Clark College; Portland, OR
I'm still hoping to find one in Chicago, but haven't had any luck.
Unfortunately, SLC has a March 1st deadline with a strongly encouraged interview.....I had to go to NY in a month....less actually.
I feel like a lost high school senior again.
mardi 24 janvier 2006
it just keeps getting better
so from last night i have discerned this:
drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment
JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?
today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.
so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.
pissed off....unhappy....but not crying
drop 2 more classes- organ lessons and opera workshop
perhaps switch voice teachers because it will lessen my commitment
JR got me to admit that i'd prefer being single than to being with AW....i wonder if i should pursue that angle?
today i'm just generally in a "fuck it" mood. I don't want to take anything besides my french classes and intro to world music. everything else can just go away quietly. better yet, i could just go away quietly. i need to transfer. But, first i need to see if i can simply make it through this semester.
so, i can definetly tell i'm not happy. theatre, AW, school, VC have all worn me down. i've been surrounded by people i despise for too often. now even their mere presence is enough to make me turn and run the other way.
pissed off....unhappy....but not crying
lundi 23 janvier 2006
breakdown, again
so....top events of the evening
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
sobbing into the phone while talking to my parents
sobbing while trying to maintain composure before going out
sobbing while talking to EC
saying a nonverbal "fuck off" to AW
discussing why theatre here makes me miserable and the department bitches
being able to not cry for a few minutes
i've very unhealthy. its been a week; in an hour i will have been here exactly a week. i need to leave. this place just brings out the worst in me and never ceases to make me miserable. the glimmers of good are almost unseeable.
things that make me happy here
EC, SR....sometimes AW
French classes and SH (favorite prof)
certain music things
being away from my hometown
having wireless internet
infrequent trips to chicago
earning money with a frequent paycheck and a cushy job
things that make me unhappy here
reminders of the theatre department
dorms, burpee....loss of space and good food
not having a car to leave campus
the town of rockford
feeling like i don't have any free time
not being able to go to sleep early
having 9:00 class
not going to the gym everyday and having a shitty one here
feeling overworked for TA
my weekends are often robbed from me
my odd bipolar feelings for AW
not being interested in people i don't know to pursue as new friends
well...i don't think i should stay.
yeah, EC's back in her room and this typing multitasking isn't working.
post.
get me the hell out of here
so, life seems much more dismal this week. day 2 of feeling like shit and wanting the entire city of Rockford to go away. this seems to be my mantra: i've managed not to string 2 sentences together for AW. God, I hate his clingyness when i'm like this. It's amazing how I was just as mushy as he last week. what bullshit.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
instead, i seemed to have brightened up slightly by looking at possible transfer schools. I keep looking at voice programs....not sure if that's really the avenue i want to persue. plus i have to be really good as a transfer because i won't have the years invested in it. not sure. but, i do have this need to go visit schools, ask all the right questions- now i know what to ask.
I keep being tempted to call my parents and tell them i can't stand it here. i'm very amused how my mood swings from week to week. so perhaps i'll be happy next week?
ah well, i've been moping the entire day....sullen me. i stalk to classes, yawn through them and try to answer questions. the happiest i've been all day is french. and of course, trying to avoid AW. this seems to pose as a problem since my 6:00 class is with him.
samedi 21 janvier 2006
.....
feeling sickish...headachy, weird esophagus/ chest thing going on. eating, swollowing is painful. not good...i'm rather small anyway and if i had little drive to eat....
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
otherwise, why is it when i'm at school i feel like i've lost my life? my days seem to be filled no matter what and i seem surprised when the day is over. today i laid in AW's bed until 2:00, showered, ate pizza with him, and went shopping. now its 7:00 and i'm not wanting to move, though i have 2 social oportunities.
should hang out with people, will improve attitude/ support system. but want space and an early bed time for the first time since i've been here. its extremely hard to go to bed before midnight here. 10:00 and being asleep is nearly impossible. i feel like a walking zombie.
school just tires me. this sick feeling is not a good sign. already, i'm fed up with this situation and supressing feelings...not good. lied to my mother on the phone saying everything was ok. didn't tell her of my ailments. all i know is that life is seemingly manageable. i'm happier than i was last semester, but this busyness is overwhelming. this from the crazy person who habitually overloads herself.
i'm writing primarily in fragments....hmmm.
mardi 17 janvier 2006
it begins
Oddly enough, this New Year finds me at a very strange beginning, one that I didn't anticipate. 3 days after my fabulous weekend with L and co in Minneapolis the pressure of last semester and everything surrounding it fell. I cried for 3 days and could hardly get out of bed. I didn't eat for almost the entire second day. I pushed away AW, who was coming to visit me. I didn't know who I was anymore.
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
I was at home...it was winter break. My parents had no idea. They knew I was worn out, but they had no idea I was so miserable. E-mails were sent, plans were made, and I was helped to recover. I had 2 weeks to decide if I was able to come back.
It's the end of the first day of classes. I've officially been in IL for 24 hours. I am no longer a theatre major. In fact, I don't plan to do theatre for a long time. This has been part of my identity for a long while. I'm not sure of anything right now. I've lost my plan, my major, and my reason for coming to this school. In it's place is uncertainty and the realization that not a lot is keeping me here.
I've taken a lot of steps to give myself some breathing room. I've dropped and added classes. I'm doing almost no extra curriculars. I plan to get off campus much more frequently.
My challenge now is to approach this relationship discussion. AW is very committed to me, and I to him. But, I owe it to both of us to sort out my thoughts relationship-wise. It's already a lot better between us.
well....here it goes
guilty pleasure, and it triggers more posts
1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:00ish, but no class until noon
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
2 .Diamonds or pearls? I don't own any diamonds, but I do own pearls
no 3?
4. What is your favorite TV show? Sex in the City, What Not to Wear, decorating shows in general
5. What did you have for breakfast? bowl of cereal
6. What is your middle name? Brague
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/ Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike? foods loaded in grease/too many preservatives/institution food
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? salt and vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? my itunes mixes
11. What kind of car do you drive? '91 Buick LeSabre, when in MN
12. what is your most embarrasing moment? having to explain my current situation to anyone who inquires
13. What characteristics do you despise? regression to junior high darwinianism, general ditziness, ignorance, small-mindedness
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Europe for an infinate amount of time and with an unending source of money
16. What color is your bathroom?white/gray/blue
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express
18. Where would you want to retire to? I want to be the type that travels during retirement
19. Favorite time of day? Evening after dinner and late morning
20. Where were you born? Elbow Lake, Minnesota
21. Favorite sport to watch? dance
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? n/a
23. Person you expect to send it back first? n/a
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide for regular loads and Woolite for my nice stuff
25. Coke or Pepsi? Ginger Ale or imported soda
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I can't get up before 9 am.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? Dad has a dog
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm dropping my musical theatre major and may or may not be transferring next semester....and I had a nervous breakdown
31. Favorite Candy Bar? something with dark chocolate
32. What is your best childhood memory? i had a very happy childhood
33.what are the different jobs you have had in your life? Church secretary, scene shop worker, scenic artist, music director, choral libarian/music prof assistant
34 What color underwear are you wearing? burgundy
35. Nicknames: Em, Mei Li, Rainbow, Twerp, Em-leave
36. Piercing? 1 hole per ear
37. Eye color? deep brown
38. Ever been to Africa? sadly, no
39.Ever been toilet papered? no
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes, I think so
41. Been in a car accident? nothing overly serious
42. Croutons or bacon bits?croutons
43. Favorite day of the week?Tuesdays and Thursdays
44. Favorite restaurant? That Thai place near L's loft, Au Bon Pain
45. Favorite flower? Orchid
46. Favorite ice cream? Anything from Coldstone involving mint or peanut butter
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panerra Bread
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't fail it
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e- mail? AO
52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? IKEA
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? I haven't been bored in 2 years
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to thisquestionnaire? n/a
55. Last person you went to dinner with? AW, EC, and others
56.Ford or Chevy? BMW
57.What are you listening to right now? Liz Phair and my itunes indie mix
58. How many tattoos do you have? none
59. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They both came into existence simultaneously
60.How many people are you sending this Email to? n/a
61. Time you finished this e-mail? 9:52 pm CST
vendredi 9 décembre 2005
wow...high school...bleh
so after my fairly horrific week....
crappy monday
awful weird ass breakdown tuesday
studying for too many finals and going crazy wednesday
puking in the toilet multiple times, missing a final, and flunking one thursday
still feeling flu-ish and another final friday
make up final (yay, Dr S) and madly packing saturday
flying home to the even more barren wasteland sunday
i'm fairly abandoned in my room and slightly hungry- not wanting to venture out of my room to get food. its cold, i'm still sickish, and look like shit. i'm not that hungry.
i go to myspace (i'm not even on myspace, i just browse occassionally). found my ex's profile....weird, that whole thing (relationship) was weird. i found high school classmates, ones i didn't like.... i don't want to go home that badly. i want to go away from here to a place that's not a dorm. i hate dorms.
i need to move off campus next year.
maybe i will get food...i need to use up points.
crappy monday
awful weird ass breakdown tuesday
studying for too many finals and going crazy wednesday
puking in the toilet multiple times, missing a final, and flunking one thursday
still feeling flu-ish and another final friday
make up final (yay, Dr S) and madly packing saturday
flying home to the even more barren wasteland sunday
i'm fairly abandoned in my room and slightly hungry- not wanting to venture out of my room to get food. its cold, i'm still sickish, and look like shit. i'm not that hungry.
i go to myspace (i'm not even on myspace, i just browse occassionally). found my ex's profile....weird, that whole thing (relationship) was weird. i found high school classmates, ones i didn't like.... i don't want to go home that badly. i want to go away from here to a place that's not a dorm. i hate dorms.
i need to move off campus next year.
maybe i will get food...i need to use up points.
dimanche 27 novembre 2005
motivation?....where are you?
the last day of thanksgiving break. i don't think i've hardly moved in three days....glorious, yet the last 2 weeks of classes loom ahead....performance monday, auditions tuesday, lab test thursday, french oral exam friday, dance recital thursday or friday, juries saturday, vocal collective gigs saturday, concert sunday.........
meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.
what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.
ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.
but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.
meanwhile, i sit at my computer trying to find the motivation to write my other acting papers. cole has 2 pages written, virginia woolf none at all. i have to finish messing with my ohio cattle call ap....i think everything is done with bio for the moment.
what i'm actually wanting to do is finish my book and watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, again.
ah, writer's block...how i love thee....well these papers are essentially bullshit analysis. but my prof is the type of guy i don't want to bullshit. that's because he'll see through it and i genuinely like him. but one of the shows i'm writing about is bullshit.
but the sooner i finish, the sooner i can do something fun. and i do want to get and A in his class. mostly because i need an A in a 3 credit class so i don't get a shitty gpa this semester.
samedi 26 novembre 2005
a severed wasp
[A wasp] was sucking jam on my plate and I cut him in half. He paid no attention, merely went on with his meal, while a tiny stream of jam trickled from his esophagus. Only when he tried to fly away did he grasp the dreadful thing that had happened to him.
-George Orwell, Collected Essays
vendredi 25 novembre 2005
couch
i've spent nearly the entire day on the couch. wonderful, yet disgusting at the same time. i've never been so relaxed or lazy all semester.
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
next semester will be better.....
in the meantime, i seem to be in an endless cycle of breakdowns. i had another on monday. this one left me in crying convulsions for 2 hours. i have no idea how to explain why it happened. it just did.
in acting the next day, i did my "otherwise engaged" piece....i finally found the right balance. it wasn't perfect, they never are...but i came close to making it real. i cried again, i cry so many times in that class. but crying in that class is the only time its ok.
2 more weeks...this one with last minute assignments....then finals. i think finals will be easier.
AW says i need to be more open. if i'm not open in real life with myself, i'll never be a great actress. its so easy to say that. i feel like i don't know myself. i feel like i've never known myself. i feel like i've lost something in the long line of everything i've done. where does one begin to get themselves back?
maybe i should go back to writing everyday.
maybe i should do a lot of things.....
maybe............
samedi 29 octobre 2005
"Dancing Through Life"......uncertainly
I find myself exceptionaly lost. This semester seems to be nothing but excessive stress leading to multiple sobbing sessions. I just couldn't seem to figure out what made me so unhappy. For the first time I've had multiple thoughts of leaving because I'm so overwhelmed. I never had that for a moment freshman year. So why is it killing me in sophomore one?
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
I had another breakdown Thursday night. I was in the library trying to do homework. I was in the same confrence room with Lu, as I always am when attempting to be studious. The material wasn't sticking; I was overwhelmed and started crying. Lu offered to take me back to his room. He asked me what was wrong and I started listing everything: too many credits, too many shows, too many commitments, losing the will to keep trying with my classes, feeling like I'm going to get the worst grades ever....losing my standards and not caring in the least, and mentioned AW a few times in the process....
leading to Lu's response "Is he nice to you?"
"yes.......no........."
everything came out...the realization of how this hasn't been good for me...maybe this is what was stressing me out so much. Lu gave his 3rd objective opinion and basically i realized he was right. AW and I don't fit....it doesn't work....i needed to "break up" with him.
and then....
the extra messy element: i admited feelings for Lu.... and so did he..... no relationship would come of it, but the feelings were still there.
The next day i hardly saw AW...left to go off campus with SR. I told him everything. I need the reasurance that i was doing the right thing. I needed the opinions of the 2 people who care for my well-being the most. At least I know SR doesn't have the potentially romantic interest (i love gay best friends).
But I begin the inevitable conversation with AW.....i maintained composure. He was shocked and sad....and that was maybe the first time I saw him cry. He was so lost. I held firm...but I told him everything, everything that he kept asking me to say and I could never find the words to say it. He kept hanging on....asking me to talk, sitting and reflecting....it drug on for hours. Until finally, after my heart swung back and forth a number of times....I admitted it.
I climbed in his lap....told him all of my insecurities, insecurities that I hadn't been able to put into words. I sobbed them into his chest. I cried as I had never cried before. I had finally found what was bothering me.....failure. I felt like I was failing at this relationship, too....which is why I wanted to quit.
He stayed the night and I sobbing in arms a number of times. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I was wrapped up in his arms like a child. I felt safe.
The next morning Lu called and I had a message on my board. I was suddenly flustered. I had involved 2 other people and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm still slightly uncertain about my actions. I was so certain about what I had to do. Then I changed my mind.
But I need to figure this out on my own. I need to determine what I want, what I haven't been doing, what I need from him. I need to take 10 steps back and remove myself.
He loves me, very much. I believe that. I believe I love him, too. I believe there's something more for us. That if we had split we'd find a way back into each other's lives.
It is obvious that I have reflecting to do.
mardi 25 octobre 2005
wo hui shou zhong wen....yi di er
I don't even know if my spelling is right for that anymore.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
I'm looking for study abroad programs for Austra, music performance and the like. This really cool one my mom found makes me realize that I must be farther along in my music major before I attempt at getting into this program. I realized maybe I want to go to China. That's something I haven't explored before. It's been ages since I've been at SLH. My Chinese is dwindled. But if I got back into it?
I don't know. I want to go to Europe and I've never been before. It's just that I have this notion of going to China and rediscovering what I've forgotten and learn even more. If I could go to China this summer and a music program in Europe next summer. I don't think my ability will get me into a music program this summer. Maybe next year.
dimanche 25 septembre 2005
Too much everything
I need to drop out of my life, cut some things, and plunge back in. My load seems entirely too heavy with all of my classes and extra curriculars. I have 2 tests tomorrow and I really haven't even started studying for either...at least not hard-core memorization. If I just had my classes and nothing else...or even if I just had that and student government. I'm seriously going to fail this semester. At least that's the way it feels right now. Never again. I just have to make it through this semester without killing myself.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
I need an extra weekend. I need an extra 12 hours in the day. I don't like this. I need to quit something.
mardi 13 septembre 2005
relaxtion of the weekend wearing off
Portland was lovely. lovely, because i was actually able to enjoy myself....forget the stress of college. its week 3. i can't slow down.....it just keeps getting to me. i'm trying very hard not to let it weigh me down. but it gets hard with missing lunch 4 out of 5 days a week, not coming home until 7, and having homework and rehearsals to worry about.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
i came back with a headache. i took a nap and it persisted. i tried doing work and ended up doing horribly. i think i just need to leave the room and drink more water.
going to the library. i need to work on my free night.
lundi 5 septembre 2005
my own
i love this feeling of being free. i am sheltered, but from a far. this going to portland business would be so much better if i wasn't staying with my parents. but then again, this is a family wedding....so.... but i am navigating the airport by myself....but i have been through o'hare several times.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
no attachments....that's what i like most about this college business....that and i'm so busy i can hardly think
dancing makes me happy.
dimanche 4 septembre 2005
Beginning Again
First post of the school year. I've spent my summer on an awful Internet connection with no time for trivial things like posting.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
Back. And it seems to be better than last year. I've gotten multiple parts, in VC again, joined new clubs and seemed to have made myself a favorite among professors. And I did it without ass-kissing. I love my new suitemates and am very glad it's easy to distance myselft from those in the department I don't like. too many girl theatre majors=too much drama and gossip (not that it surprises anyone). At the moment I can avoid the cattiness easily. I'll see how long it lasts.
AW confuses me....as always. We behave like a married couple. I suppose its been a year. We seem to be falling back into the pattern of school and not spending every moment with each other. There are days when I hardly see him. I like that sense of separation. Lately I've been feeling slightly smothered.....or like I should be smothered. I'm so weighted by expecations and fear. I'm sensing us getting wrapped up in each other. This is the next level....and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with it. There are times when he's just an ass to me....and he is because of his comfort with me. I call him on it and become bitchy to him. But there are moments when I have this deep sense of love and commitment. We slept side by side last night, no sex, but sleep. It was beautiful. That act must be the ipitomy of vulnerablilty; we were holding each other in our arms with complete trust.
I get a vacation next weekend. I'm going to a wedding in Portland, OR. S happens to go to college there. I haven't seen her in about 4 years. I wonder what that will be like. I know we've both changed, but have we changed so much that we lost that bond? I hung out with K in NY and we were never very close. That worked out. S and will at least have the reminsing and catching up of the last 4 years. I think we still have that rapport.
Time for sleep.
dimanche 8 mai 2005
brink of finals
tomorrow commences finals week. a week from today i'll be back in minnesota. i'm not sure how i feel about that. when school was closing in around me i really wanted to leave. now, i want to be away. i just want to go somewhere else. this is going to be the only summer i spend at home. every other summer i'm going to work or go to school or something. i am not going back again. it's just a freshman thing.
i've been going off campus a lot lately. it saves me.....keeps me from tearing my hair out. i'm tired of school, but i hate being so cramped.
I'm oddly wishing for L and S. I e-mailed S last week...telling her I'll be in Portland briefly next fall. I haven't seen her since SLH 2001, so long ago. we've changed so much....and for me they've been the biggest changes of my life. i'm unsure what that meeting would entail. but i hope that we have enough other kindred qualtities that didn't change with growing up that much more. L at least is closer to me....distance-wise. I miss them both. I want a female confidante. AW suits me well....especially since we've been able to spend more time together.
Math final tomorrow...sleeping to be done....studying in the morning
i've been going off campus a lot lately. it saves me.....keeps me from tearing my hair out. i'm tired of school, but i hate being so cramped.
I'm oddly wishing for L and S. I e-mailed S last week...telling her I'll be in Portland briefly next fall. I haven't seen her since SLH 2001, so long ago. we've changed so much....and for me they've been the biggest changes of my life. i'm unsure what that meeting would entail. but i hope that we have enough other kindred qualtities that didn't change with growing up that much more. L at least is closer to me....distance-wise. I miss them both. I want a female confidante. AW suits me well....especially since we've been able to spend more time together.
Math final tomorrow...sleeping to be done....studying in the morning
jeudi 28 avril 2005
writers block
why is this strangely reminiscent of last year during classic novels when i was utterly miserable. am i utterly miserable right now? i don't know, i don't think so.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
good random thing of today: i checked my e-mail and found i got a part in the summer musical back home at the good ol' community theatre. not only am i doing the set and getting paid, but now i get to act in the show, too. A pretty good part, if i do say so myself. not bad for no audition. not to mention mom was recruited to fill in the other non cast role. should be a lot of fun, i'm just coming in 4 weeks out. Nunsense, by the way....that's the show.
needing to write....i have all of my information. i have my general direction and the main points. i just need to write it. why can't i write it. i need words to flow. i think its the fact reference that's getting in the way. me being bogged down with inserting information.
i need a brain break, but i've taken far too many of those already.
goddammit fucking mother cock sucker
i'm angry....i feel like yelling and throwing things. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing over and over again....endless obscenities....
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
this fucking paper.....this fucking school work....these fucking standards....i don't fucking care....i don't
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
why me?
why can't i just get my brain around this mother fucker?
why can't i just write my goddamn paper?
why can't i hear that voice of reason?
why can't i organize this son of a bitch?
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
i hate this....already one breakdown today and i'm headed straight for another one, though one of a completely different nature.
i can't write
i can't think
i can't sleep (not that i've tried)
i want to run far away
fuck.
mardi 26 avril 2005
tired of school
3 weeks....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
then, home?
that transition when i either have 2 homes.....or no home
PE told me something today, "when you figure out AW, you will be a goddess....you just have to find his one flaw."
"...his ego."
"yeah, that's part of it, but......"
....
"but i can see now that he is smitten with me"
"he is. why do you think he keeps coming back to you?"
....
i stare at my reflection in my window. i think i've become more pretty, or have i been that way all along and i'm finally starting to acknowledge it. this always seems to happen to me when i'm with a boy who will randomly tell me i'm gorgeous. even more so when this boy doesn't do it very often, just often enough to make me stop and sigh.
...
"this is what can best be defined as an adult relationship."
"you mean because we aren't the stereotypical version of the high school couple?"
"yes, because we aren't dependent on one another. you do your thing, i do mine, and we are still together. but i care for you, truly care."
....
"where do you see us?"
"i don't know. i'll graduate and either work or go to grad school- in one of the big three. but i know you'll always be in my life. you can visit me when i leave, if you want."
"whoa, i meant in college.....i wasn't even thinking about when you graduate.....are you referring to marriage at all?"
"it might happen, who can say."
.....
"i love you."
....
where am i? i seem so lost in this, but i think he' s lost, too. but being lost is a good thing. we're still separate- we'll always be able to maintain identity- but we slowly intertwine. the intimacy is becoming more precious....i need this, this healing, this growing up....that's what this feels like, growing up. my best friend, my lover, my.....
....
lundi 18 avril 2005
should be doing work
senior skip day....aka, everyone skips.....only two classes today, makes my life that much better.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
i read two links of acquaintences of mine from hs. Blog-esque things. looking at their picture files made me (dare i say it?) miss home....no way will i ever miss high school. i think my reason is i'm tired of all the work that college is piling down on me. but then again, i always hated school when its this time of year. i just want to get away from school. 3 weeks and then finals.
i should do some work now. at least start on my english annotated bibliography.
lundi 28 mars 2005
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
"the lovers, the dreamers, and me"
monday, 6:45 pm
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
i come home, having spent the day in a blank and removed state, and put Peter Cincotti's "Rainbow Connection" on repeat. I curl up in the easy chair beside the stereo and begin to weep. Silent tears stream down my cheeks untl my breathing starts to make that hiccupping noise. I remove my glasses and lay my head back with my eyes closed, feeling the moisture roll down my face. What prompted this, I don't know.
I'm become such a bottled up person I have two completely different identities. Myself on the surface: who seems nice, sweet, intelligent, motivated- functioning well. Then suddenly there is my true self, who I don't even know anymore. All I know is that self weeps for my suppression/ loss of it.
As I cried my thoughts drifted to why I'm suddenly like this......suddenly this seems to have turned into my week of emotional hell.....or at least it seems like it would last a week. i kept wishing myself to get sick so I could have a reason to justify all of this.....i've felt queasy all day. I thought of A.....I thought of randomly calling him, still in tears, and asking him to try to interpret this for me. Maybe he is the person who knows me best. Maybe AW doesn't know me at all. Maybe he only thinks he does and just thinks he cares for me, loves me. Maybe he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I've been too afraid to show my real self.
I have this huge urge to reach out to A. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd even have care and concern....he might to a certain degree.
Perhaps I can use this for Dixie. She was hurt....or removed or something....like me, I haven't truly been hurt, i just seem to invent my own problems. She decides not to let anyone take advantage of her. The only time she ever "opens up" is to manipulate her sympathy. She wants to appear wise and talented and the life of the party. She reinvents identity to be a brash southern belle. when in reality she's just herself....afraid to be herself, pushing everyone far away from that identity.....but it still slips through, she'll use it to relate. she finds sympathy for the family.
revelation.....maybe i can use this, emote this.....find out that i can truly emote.
breakdown
i don't know what it is with me. something made me collapse last night....or that's how i can best categorize it. i was annoyed because the line learning wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. I didn't know the part we went over in rehearsal because I hadn't gotten to it yet. That settled me into a mood....a will to be withdrawn, as if by withdrawing I could discover what I needed to about my character to take it past a mediocre performance. because that's precisely what this part was turning into, a mediocre performance. i've had nothing but mediocre performances since i've been here. i feel like i'm not progressing at all....on any front.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
i want to quit school for a week and crawl into a void and discover something, anything. i want to find that magic that will make me understand what i have to do onstage. i so fucking confused about everything. i don't try to combat the confusion. instead, i go through the motions, because that's all i know how to do. what were my methods? i don't even know if i had any. how do i memorize, how do i develop a character? i've heard so many of AW's theories and what little i've absorbed just makes me feel belittled. come to think of it, all of his theories make me feel belittled.
maybe that's why i broke down last night....to take back that manipulation. i've been feeling the switch ever so slowly. if there's one thing i know for sure, crying will always make someone semi-close to you stop what they're doing and comfort you. that's exactly what i wanted. and that's exactly what happened. maybe i'm tired of being independent. at the same time, i don't confess anything.
maybe this is all a charade. maybe there is nothing beneath the surface. maybe i've spent the past 4 years of my life trying to build a mysterious and deep persona, only to find it doesn't exist. and i find i'm just as shallow as the next person, maybe even more so. maybe i don't confess anything because there is nothing to confess. maybe i'm incapable of expressing emotion for long periods of time. maybe that's why i can't emote onstage. maybe that's why i'm such a mediocre actress.
lundi 21 mars 2005
cigarettes and cranberry juice
tonight was my character development work....basically, an excuse for girl talk, a bit of alcohol, and P teaching me how to smoke a cigarette. We were sitting around Dr. M's loft apartment (fabulous) in downtown Rockford....AL, P and I. I have a drink and progressively get more buzzed as the conversation wears on.....only natural because I'm a light weight that practically never drinks and probably wouldn't hold it well.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
But I reak of cigarette smoke. I kept apologizing to my lungs....I am a singer, dammit....smoking can not be in my line of vices. I tried my best not to inhale, but eh...I make mistakes.
This weekend is my weekend for not-so-innocent things: sex (which i hadn't had in awhile), drinking, smoking. Not that I'm completely innocent....but yeah,.........
You can tell I'm still a little buzzed from this post. But actually, being buzzed is actually good for character development. I'm playing one who commands the attention....which tends to be better for me when I lose all inhibitions. Maybe I should have a drink before these performances? Haha...that'd be great. I have to pick up my Mom after opening night. Driving, by myself...when I haven't driven since Christmas break.
Simmer down and go to sleep.
dimanche 13 mars 2005
nostalgic in ny
the last day of spring break..... 2 days ago i was in ny.....3 days ago i was hanging out with K
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
K......never, ever, is he going to leave my thoughts.........he'll always be buried in the back of my mind in some capacity. i'm amazed things turned out the way they did.
K, who now lives in ny after graduating from amda. at mom's suggestion i get the number from K's mom. i call him up, thinking of being brushed off....instead he's happy to hear from me and wants to spend time together. i'm amazed. we were never that close even when we were doing theatre together back in the day. so i meet him and his gf, we hang out, he walks me back to the hotel and we say goodbye.
there's more than that. K treats as AW did when we first met. he has that aloofness, nonchalance. when we were alone together (those moments in his apartment or on the way to the hotel) he would look at me as AW did. holding back, yet wanting more. am i reading too far into it? it was completely gone when his gf was with us. i got the underlying impression there was a bit of competition, like she was catty....but nice on the surface. i loved how the conversation flowed between us on the way back. i loved how he hugged me when we met and parted.....i loved how he held my gaze before saying goodbye.
one thing is for certain: he will never be able to leave my thoughts in that way. i will always revert to my teenage fantasies. how i wish we could have dated....and i still wish that. my fantasy could still come true. run into each other in ny, hit it off, date for awhile....wouldn't it be funny if we got married and went home to introduce the fiance to our parents, only to find they knew us. wishful thinking that will never happen....but nontheless, a girl can dream, can't she?
dimanche 20 février 2005
musings
i've been going stir-crazy in my room for the past couple of hours. i'm wanting to venture out or at least find a bit of conversation, but it's already 11 and AW didn't answer his phone. i'm debating whether or not to be persistent about it. E feels like being independent and doing some self-analysis.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
so, how have I been...really.
life continues to puzzle me beneath the surface. i still live my life as i always have: i function well. I go to classes and seem to do well with the work. I'm in shows and continue to hopefully grow as an actor. I keep working on my musical endevors. I somehow manage my time and it shows. I feel very busy, but I wonder what I'm actually doing at the same time. My social life seems somewhat lacking, which is how I choose to live my life. I put school and shows ahead of socializing. I'm not the type who rarely sleeps because she was hanging out with people until the wee hours of the morning- then they have to skip class.
so what's in my social life? AW, mostly....i really like spending one-on-one time with him. actually, i like spending one-on-one time with cool people in general. I like Lu's company, which I should run into him more. I also liked getting to know D...have a bit of a crush on him...but that won't amount....I'm sure he knows AW and I are together, which he would respect. Am I happy with this whole situation? Yeah, I'm somewhat tired of the people that surround me, yet I've decided not to be as judgemental. I think some of that has rubbed off on me from AW. Immersion, I guess. Although, I have decided I should have more friends outside the major.
identity-vision of self-whatever:
Ok, there is no way to type this without seeming unhealthy or body-obsessed.....eh. I've trying to avoid the freshman ton. Whatever 5 pounds or so I might have gained first semester I think I pretty much lost when I got back. (I think it was a mental thing anyway). I feel myself slipping, despite my 3 times a week at the gym, 2 a week pilates, dance classes, and walking everywhere. I eat far too many sweets and should cut back. But I'm going to start montioring what I eat just so I feel better. I know I eat better than most, and I'm still the smallest one in the department (small consolation). I obsess a bit over food....only because I fear the seemingly unavoidable weight gain in college. They feed us terribly here. Next year I'm cutting back the meal plan and making my own things as much as possible.
I'm trying to focus on a self-improvement thing. I'm avoiding the negative gossip, opinions, bad vibes, etc. I should open up more to AW, he says I really don't. That surprised me, but its true. I don't know what I want to tell him. Even so, I feel that something is lacking....i can't find the solution.
dimanche 13 février 2005
Confused, or perhaps I just broke out of it
Pondering again, never a good sign. And of course, the subject is always the same....AW.
Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.
Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.
Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?
I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.
Moment of good this week: I was babysitting K as usual. This week AW has taken to hanging out with us after his voice lesson. For some reason I got the feeling of this situation being right. The two of us sitting here with a small child. He entertains her, while I encourage and laugh. You can tell she prefers me, but likes him very much. The idea of us being in that situation so many years down the road....it seems like reverse deja vu.
Moment of doubt: Last night, or early this morning, I was in C's car on the way back to M's room. I mention something about my puesdo boyfriend, and she asks me what's up with that. I explain the lack of commitment; how we could date other people, even though we wouldn't. How we don't have to feel the obligation to do certain relationship duties. I also confessed it seemed deeper than what we were calling it. How I felt it on my end, and sensed it clearly on his. She warned me about getting hurt.
Today I sat here thinking about it. Doubts creep back in. I know why we are the way we are: school, both of us have outrageous schedules, which switch back and forth as far as being the most busy. But do I read too far into things. Are we really just good friends who like to fool around. We care about each other as friends, and can't separate it into a serious relationship. Is this just how we define it, no strings attached. I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also wanting to know how we are. And I know I periodically ask him, and he reassures me. I want to ask him so many things, but I bite my tongue or dance broadly around the questions. I don't want to take the risk of losing what we have, but if I took it would I gain so much more. He doesn't want seriousness. But at the same time, does he not want to admit it?
I hold my tongue. I take things as they are. I will not hope for more, because I'm unsure of being hopeful. There is a lot of good right now, why spoil it? There is a lot busyness...why complicate things? Stop your fantisizing. If things are meant to happen, they will.
vendredi 4 février 2005
late night rehearsal, again
so, i'm stuck here for the second act because we're blocking the curtain call. here i sit at 1 o clock in the morning, i could be getting some sleep right now. but hey, it could be much, much worse. i had my huge stuperstious fuck up, so I'm ok now. The show will be fine tomorrow
A talked to me online today while I was trying to write my e-mail for acting class. it surprised me how the conversation was refreshing instead of forced. i think we could truly be good friends now, and i'm not just saying that. i still think he loves me, but it's diminished to a respect love instead of romantic. that is something very good that i can deal with. maybe i will see him once or twice when i come home this summer. wait, he'll be at basic...i'll write.
Because of my hectic schedule, I've spent very little time AW this week- save occassional meals and classes. The lack of attention made me somewhat unhappy. But I guess it keeps irking me that he keeps bringing up AC, a girl he's going to cast in his show. Granted, she's absolutely perfect for the part, gorgeous, etc. He just keeps joking about it like she's his new obsession. I play along, of course. How could I not? But it just annoys me that I seem to be hearing about her constantly for the last 2 days. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But then he brings up the fact that LU has a huge crush on me. Something very apparent in AW's eyes....I'm rather ignorant about that sort of thing. I can hardly supress a smile (good thing his back was to me). So I guess the 2 of us are unconciously getting back at each other.
My fatigue is setting in. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'll probably go to sleep after finishing this post. Damn show, I'll be so happy when its over on Saturday.
A talked to me online today while I was trying to write my e-mail for acting class. it surprised me how the conversation was refreshing instead of forced. i think we could truly be good friends now, and i'm not just saying that. i still think he loves me, but it's diminished to a respect love instead of romantic. that is something very good that i can deal with. maybe i will see him once or twice when i come home this summer. wait, he'll be at basic...i'll write.
Because of my hectic schedule, I've spent very little time AW this week- save occassional meals and classes. The lack of attention made me somewhat unhappy. But I guess it keeps irking me that he keeps bringing up AC, a girl he's going to cast in his show. Granted, she's absolutely perfect for the part, gorgeous, etc. He just keeps joking about it like she's his new obsession. I play along, of course. How could I not? But it just annoys me that I seem to be hearing about her constantly for the last 2 days. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But then he brings up the fact that LU has a huge crush on me. Something very apparent in AW's eyes....I'm rather ignorant about that sort of thing. I can hardly supress a smile (good thing his back was to me). So I guess the 2 of us are unconciously getting back at each other.
My fatigue is setting in. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'll probably go to sleep after finishing this post. Damn show, I'll be so happy when its over on Saturday.
mercredi 26 janvier 2005
out of sorts
things have been swimming in my head for several days. feelings of negativity, uncertainty, and restlessness. i want something to happen, yet at the same time i want to slow down. these things need elaboration....in a random numerical order
1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.
2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.
3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.
4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.
now, will i have the guts to go through with it?
1. vocal collective, only because it's at the forefront of my mind. the scholarship choir at school, i audition again this semester only to be called back multiple times. yes, i want to get in...but it's gotten to be long drawn out process. honestly, i'm up against two mt majors and everyone is studying voice with the director. i think only one female will get in because they have less guys. i don't know if it will be me. he's looking for blend. but hey, i tried my best and i will get in the choir eventually.
2. Lu....floating around in my head in a way he shouldn't be. my non-major biology friend i run into occassionally. last night i run into him and ask if he can help me memorize my lines. we spend an hour and a half in the library doing that, and another 2 just having one of those long conversations about life. i really like him...he's definetly one that i should get to know better...but man, fickle me. and i'm so stupid, part of the conversation was about relationships and i throw it in his lap that i'm semi-"taken". it's like i'm daring him to make a move...come on, kiss me or something. he doesn't of course, he wouldn't, he's too shy about that sort of thing. but i see that lit up look in his eyes. and i completely egg it on, silly and fickle me.
3. i had a strange pang of missing L today. I was listening to my new Frou Frou cd and walking back to my dorm. For some reason that music made me think of L and the times we had together...i remembered break and wished she was here. I think part of that longing was from last night with Lu. I need a break from these faces in the department already. i need to find people who aren't so dramatic and theatrical. irony, huh? i'm in the fucking theatre department and i want to get away from drama. i miss those conversations...i miss her laidback nature....i miss the effortless spontenaity.
4. i want to run and soar above everything....soar effortlessly above everything that seems to be weighing me down. fly above this workload that just drains me....above the bullshit among the department... above my somewhat produced trauma. i find myself being unsatisfied with AW right now. I need his physical assurance and he isn't here. i want to know how much he cares for me. it's not that i really want to be a completely wrapped up girlfriend....i don't know, maybe this is just my mood...maybe i just need to know if he loves me. there, i said it. i've been fighting with that in my head for a long time. i don't want to be the first one to say it. i'm holding out for him to say it on his own time, if he'll say it at all. but i think i love him.
now, will i have the guts to go through with it?
dimanche 23 janvier 2005
Unsure
What has become of me? I've been longing to be back...and granted I'm happy that I'm here. But I've suddenly become questioning everything surrounding me; making unnescessary comparisons of myself, second-guessing my social demeanor, my so-called talent, all of this personal bullshit that i shouldn't be stressing in the first place. I've painted myself into a corner and I'm caught between trying to determine if this is what I really want and if I should try to get out of it. I like being separated, but at the same time I think I shouldn't be. I keep slowly trying to pick AW's brain about us, he senses it. Why I can't just be satisfied with how things are, I don't know. Why do I have to know if he cares about me and how much? Why do I have to know what he thinks of me or how he finds me attractive? Am I that insecure that I have to keep searching for reassurance? But at the same time, as I spouted off stories that angered me in high school, he told me I'd never been that angry/ annoyed around him. Somehow that caught me off guard. If I haven't been that way around him, who have I been telling my problems to? No one. I'm treating this like a relationship, I'm afraid of opening up for fear of being kicked to the curb....a fear that doesn't even seem to be feasible in this case.
I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.
Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.
But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.
I feel like I should have a long discussion with him tonight or sometime this week. We've had a bit of a mini conversation concerning my insecurities, but I haven't pushed it. Held by fear, I guess.
Then I guess there are some other going on in the department that irked me. I knew I wasn't going to get into Angels in America, but at the same time I felt I wasn't even given a chance at auditions. But I was wondering if I came off as not caring or something to that effect. Granted, I didn't need the show. I have a part in Taken in Marriage and Antigone. My nurse character is shit right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I have to memorize lines. I also have to review my math and write a conclusion for my English essay. But I have a feeling I'm somewhat glazed over in the department. Have I been that much in the background that I'm not considered for things? I'm starting to think so. I don't think they play favorites, I just feel that I'm not qualified. I guess this is just a period of frustration right now. Something that will pass as soon as my ego is boosted again. Piano has been a good outlet. I should definetly focus more on that right now.
But, I should go back to my homework and lines...grr.
samedi 8 janvier 2005
late, but not really
for some reason the house has the air of making it appear after midnight, when in reality it is not yet 9:30....so early. man, how long ago was it when i would just be preparing to do something...when i would fall into my bed at 2, 3 in the morning. i have no stamina for that right now. i'm like an old person, or an infant. i miss college.
and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.
one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.
and now i've lost my train of though...converstation with ex boyfriend, the one before A. i'm always surprised when he wants to talk to me. considering he dumped me, but that was a long time ago...i was so young then in so many ways. honestly, i wouldn't mind just seeing him again, though we were never good at holding a conversation. we used each other for a different reason.
one week...this time next week i'll be with AW doing whatever....hanging around his house or still at his grandparents'. in the meantime i'm going to fret over preparations for next semester and leaving here until May.
mercredi 29 décembre 2004
Home....when can I go back?
I'm tired of being here....today is my midway point....halfway through my 3rd week. Far too much time, if you ask me. Next year I'm either taking classes or getting a job. Forget this twiddling of thumbs, etc.
But most of all, I hate the state of mind this sets for me. Its as if everything that I've built for myself away from here is stripped away to reveal my innocent naivete of high school. I come back and feel that maybe I haven't changed after all. What happened to those independent ideals I set for myself? What happened to that work ethic I perfected and maintained (and got straight A's my first semester in college, thank you very much)? What happened to that slight, ever so slight, feeling of worldliness? Was that just an illusion- my overcoming of issues I previously faced last year? I don't know anymore. Being here turns me into the hick that I was trying to out run. I sit at home....do the same things I did last year over Christmas vacation, minus the work of my online class. The only difference this time is the duration....and the fact that I sporadically call AW every few days. (I'm still not wanting to be seen as desperate and clingy, though am slowing losing my guard.) I don't go out....and yes, I have been slightly ill...but everyone is going back this weekend and I still have 2 more weeks. This week is the prime week to socialize and I haven't been out, save my visits to the gym and miscellaneous errands. My weekend rendevous with AW in Minneapolis fell through, like I knew it would. I don't resent it, but it still disappoints me.
Why can't I go back on the 3rd like everyone else? What's with this 5 week break business? Next year I'm taking classes.
But most of all, I hate the state of mind this sets for me. Its as if everything that I've built for myself away from here is stripped away to reveal my innocent naivete of high school. I come back and feel that maybe I haven't changed after all. What happened to those independent ideals I set for myself? What happened to that work ethic I perfected and maintained (and got straight A's my first semester in college, thank you very much)? What happened to that slight, ever so slight, feeling of worldliness? Was that just an illusion- my overcoming of issues I previously faced last year? I don't know anymore. Being here turns me into the hick that I was trying to out run. I sit at home....do the same things I did last year over Christmas vacation, minus the work of my online class. The only difference this time is the duration....and the fact that I sporadically call AW every few days. (I'm still not wanting to be seen as desperate and clingy, though am slowing losing my guard.) I don't go out....and yes, I have been slightly ill...but everyone is going back this weekend and I still have 2 more weeks. This week is the prime week to socialize and I haven't been out, save my visits to the gym and miscellaneous errands. My weekend rendevous with AW in Minneapolis fell through, like I knew it would. I don't resent it, but it still disappoints me.
Why can't I go back on the 3rd like everyone else? What's with this 5 week break business? Next year I'm taking classes.
jeudi 16 décembre 2004
Limited
Thanks to me being at home....which includes an extremely slow internet connection and a limitation on internet time per month.....i will be posting less. Instead, I shall turn to the old-fashioned journal. Never mind that I forgot mine at college....beginning anew, yet again.
I'm finding I get boughts of "college-sickness". Odd, because I never had homesickness when I moved. It's these evenings...I sit at home typically without anything to do. While at school the night would just be getting started. Typically I'd be at rehearsal now....or last week when I would call up AW during a time of bordeum. I miss those nights laying in his room, watching television or running lines or anything. I need interaction with people who are my peers. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and my parent's friends. I've had bits of conversation with people who weren't really my friends in high school.....they were the people I kept thinking I should be friends with. Suddenly, after I've graduated I find I'm a part of the neo-theatre group. I'll talk to L soon enough and get away from home for awhile. Meanwhile, I miss AW and have a very strong urge to call him. I'll supress it probably...I wasn't planning on calling until Saturday.
I'm finding I get boughts of "college-sickness". Odd, because I never had homesickness when I moved. It's these evenings...I sit at home typically without anything to do. While at school the night would just be getting started. Typically I'd be at rehearsal now....or last week when I would call up AW during a time of bordeum. I miss those nights laying in his room, watching television or running lines or anything. I need interaction with people who are my peers. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and my parent's friends. I've had bits of conversation with people who weren't really my friends in high school.....they were the people I kept thinking I should be friends with. Suddenly, after I've graduated I find I'm a part of the neo-theatre group. I'll talk to L soon enough and get away from home for awhile. Meanwhile, I miss AW and have a very strong urge to call him. I'll supress it probably...I wasn't planning on calling until Saturday.
mardi 7 décembre 2004
in preparation for my final...ugg, final
okay, time management skills, don't fail me now. I want this done by dinner at about 5, which leaves me a good 3 hours to prepare for my oral presentation final tomorrow. after going through the material yet again last night in attempt to understand it. i basically have a handle on what she's trying to say. and although i'm inclined to agree with her arguements, i see through their validity. i'm not a hard-core feminist, but i'm in support of feminism. besides, her arguements are thoughts i tend to pick apart in my head sometimes. but the way she goes about discribing them makes herself seem lofty....and with very little evidence to back it up. why did i choose this section? AW was a sounding board for some of the more complicated syntax. after he helped me pick apart somethings, he tore the entire passage to pieces- at least the main idea and her writing style. so what passion i had for the writing has dissipated somewhat. nevertheless, i must plunge through. besides, its only a 5 minute presetation. and from what my prof was saying, 5 minutes is the minimum...so i just have to be thurough with my presentation and i'll be fine. ideally i'd like to be at 6 minutes or something. he's said 5-7 minutes and then it was 5-10, then it sounded like there wasn't a time limit. i'll see how this goes.
lundi 6 décembre 2004
Can't think
i'm sitting in the library trying to find the frame of mind to wade through this chapter. from first glance it isn't intimidating- a mere eight pages or something of the sort. when trying to outline it, my brain plunges into the pitfalls of fatigue, etc. gone are my aspirations to complete most of this today. grr. nevertheless, my goals for today remain the same- read the chapter, outline it, free write/ summarize it. i'm on page 2 of outlining it. brain, work, dammit. ah well, perhaps a break. something to get my thoughts moving again.
Okay...thinking...thinking intelligently.....that's wishful thinking in itself.
I need an escape. I need as escape from this life of academia, which will only last 3 more days for me, three days not even full of classes or work in general. That's what I like about these breaks, no preparation needed. I'm in between classes. All I have to do worry about textbooks, which I'll most likely buy when I get back and then get them online. I need the escape of converation with a real person and not just my own thoughts. Get through this and search out someone....someone, who i'm hoping could be AW, if he doesn't have any finals at the moment.
Found better music, much more condusive to studying. Time to work...this time for certain.
Okay...thinking...thinking intelligently.....that's wishful thinking in itself.
I need an escape. I need as escape from this life of academia, which will only last 3 more days for me, three days not even full of classes or work in general. That's what I like about these breaks, no preparation needed. I'm in between classes. All I have to do worry about textbooks, which I'll most likely buy when I get back and then get them online. I need the escape of converation with a real person and not just my own thoughts. Get through this and search out someone....someone, who i'm hoping could be AW, if he doesn't have any finals at the moment.
Found better music, much more condusive to studying. Time to work...this time for certain.
dimanche 5 décembre 2004
almost over
i can't believe it, this time next week i will have spent a few days at home. no more classes, just two speeches and a 48 hours filled with packing and cleaning....only to spend the entire day traveling back to Minnesota. i'm not sure what to do with myself, i'm so worn out and wanting to retreat away from everyone...but that's all i'll be doing over christmas break, so i'm tempted to hold off until i leave. tonight i'm even thinking of staying in and avoided AW, even though time is running out and i know i'll miss him. if anything i'll just miss his presence and his treatment of me. we've been getting closer and i've been really happy lately. happy, despite the amount of stress and things to do bearing down on me. but i'm practically in the home stretch.
his family took me out for ice cream after the christmas concert. his parents, particularily his dad, seem to really like me. B even offered to have me stay for break, somewhat jokingly, but i knew the offer was genuine. i wonder what AW thinks of his family's reaction to me. or i wonder if his parents suspect our closeness...i think they know we're more than just friends. but sometimes i wonder about our closeness.
after a conversation with A last weekend, i decided to meet him for coffee and return his stuff. i'm not sure it's a good idea, but i've left myself a lot of loopholes. i'm just having coffee and leaving...it won't be more than hour or two. i'm returning his things because it pains me to have them and know they're here. it might give the two of us some closure...then maybe i'll feel as if i can move on. L warned me about the meeting. i know she's right, but i'll be cautious. i'm going to walk in there with an open mind. i'll listen to his rants and try to understand this from his perspective.
his family took me out for ice cream after the christmas concert. his parents, particularily his dad, seem to really like me. B even offered to have me stay for break, somewhat jokingly, but i knew the offer was genuine. i wonder what AW thinks of his family's reaction to me. or i wonder if his parents suspect our closeness...i think they know we're more than just friends. but sometimes i wonder about our closeness.
after a conversation with A last weekend, i decided to meet him for coffee and return his stuff. i'm not sure it's a good idea, but i've left myself a lot of loopholes. i'm just having coffee and leaving...it won't be more than hour or two. i'm returning his things because it pains me to have them and know they're here. it might give the two of us some closure...then maybe i'll feel as if i can move on. L warned me about the meeting. i know she's right, but i'll be cautious. i'm going to walk in there with an open mind. i'll listen to his rants and try to understand this from his perspective.
samedi 27 novembre 2004
searching for motivation and artistic talent
set design. i'm trying to visualize it. trying to transfer that vision to something good on paper. not my forte. my forte is to look at a picture and copy it, and even then my skills can be a bit rusty. especially with this really awful gum eraser that keeps breaking. but better than a standard number 2 pencil.
feeling odd....i need to do my drawings tonight to make life more bearable. artistic talent...find me. Its funny how I'm using the community theatre stage instead of any that are at college. maybe it's just an easier visualization. this oddly reminds me of Christmas break where I was bored off of my ass and constantly looking for something to do. but at the same time, i was horribly lazy and didn't feel like searching. now, i can't believe i have one more day of vacation. i want an extra. i need more sleep. actually, what i need is just human interaction. i had that today. i guess this is a lesson to me. when i'm finally living on my own, hopefully after college and grad school....i need either a roommate or a pet. or lots of friends close by. hey, that's an idea...i feel like looking at grad schools.
feeling odd....i need to do my drawings tonight to make life more bearable. artistic talent...find me. Its funny how I'm using the community theatre stage instead of any that are at college. maybe it's just an easier visualization. this oddly reminds me of Christmas break where I was bored off of my ass and constantly looking for something to do. but at the same time, i was horribly lazy and didn't feel like searching. now, i can't believe i have one more day of vacation. i want an extra. i need more sleep. actually, what i need is just human interaction. i had that today. i guess this is a lesson to me. when i'm finally living on my own, hopefully after college and grad school....i need either a roommate or a pet. or lots of friends close by. hey, that's an idea...i feel like looking at grad schools.
vendredi 26 novembre 2004
weekend at the dorms
so my first college thanksgiving break consists of a brief trip to AW's house for Thanksgiving and the rest of the time spent at school working on homework and the Regent Player's fundraiser. I actually like this....guilt free time to spend to myself getting my homework done. the only regrets, i wish i had a real piano in my room and that i was in a house by myself instead of a dorm room. but i'm quite happy about the suite accomodations; i've been spending a lot of time in the common room as opposed to my little cubicle.
i enjoyed my brief excursion into wisconsin. i liked AW's family. their thanksgiving festivities reminded me of my own family....just a slight difference in time and a lack of lefse. i wonder what his family thought of me, or rather thought of our friendship. he introduced me as a friend who couldn't get a ride home for thanksgiving. i wonder if they speculated there was something more between us. AW doesn't care and would rather they not know. doesn't matter to me, but its an interesting premise to think about. my own family i'm sure is busy doing whatever. i think mom is still in the cities and dad at home tending to farm stuff. what would i be doing? same thing that i'm doing now, resting and getting my work done. not much difference in plans. just a change of scenery. besides, i only have 2 weeks left here. and only about a week and a half of that will be spent worrying about work. this weekend is fabulous for catching up on work. i'm already done with my collaborative paper. i've made my general notes on the set design and have an idea for a floor plan and color scheme in my head. i think watching tv is deserved while i think about dinner.
i enjoyed my brief excursion into wisconsin. i liked AW's family. their thanksgiving festivities reminded me of my own family....just a slight difference in time and a lack of lefse. i wonder what his family thought of me, or rather thought of our friendship. he introduced me as a friend who couldn't get a ride home for thanksgiving. i wonder if they speculated there was something more between us. AW doesn't care and would rather they not know. doesn't matter to me, but its an interesting premise to think about. my own family i'm sure is busy doing whatever. i think mom is still in the cities and dad at home tending to farm stuff. what would i be doing? same thing that i'm doing now, resting and getting my work done. not much difference in plans. just a change of scenery. besides, i only have 2 weeks left here. and only about a week and a half of that will be spent worrying about work. this weekend is fabulous for catching up on work. i'm already done with my collaborative paper. i've made my general notes on the set design and have an idea for a floor plan and color scheme in my head. i think watching tv is deserved while i think about dinner.
jeudi 4 novembre 2004
almost friday
been bumming around all evening. my orchestral rehearsal was cancelled, much to my dismay. i was in the mood to go out and do something....instead i wander between my room and my friend's across the hall, watch tv, eat...i wanted to see AW, i haven't seen much of him since yesterday morning....but that's just the way things happen to be. instead i hold on to the memory of yesterday morning. besides, it's more time than i was able to spend with him next week.
i'm not good at writing now. i just need to go to sleep. sleep.....sleep...and prepare to do homework over the weekend.
i'm not good at writing now. i just need to go to sleep. sleep.....sleep...and prepare to do homework over the weekend.
mercredi 3 novembre 2004
is he still reading?
i don't know if A even reads my other blog anymore. i think he might, which is why i've been writing everything concerning AW in here. perhaps i should continue that tradition.
it's amazing how playing lovers, even for a few minutes, can make one feel as if it's intensified their chemistry. AW and I sang a duet from Fantasticks-the closing ballad, a song of reuniting and profession of true love. we felt it, at least i felt it. and i believe that love to have a certain degree of truth to it. one can only act so well until there's feeling behind it. maybe that's what made him open up to me a bit more. that, or maybe it was because we spent most of the weekend together.
nevertheless, after rehearsal last night- emily is learning chord progression for a show and it's lovely....I ask him to proof my Tennessee Williams paper. He agrees and we go back to his room. I kept telling myself i needed to sleep in my own bed that night- 9 o clock class and AW is obviously preoccupied with the election results and cursing bush and the conservative swing the American citizens have taken. I'm ready to leave, but as we say goodbye it keeps getting longer and longer....a drawn out kiss turns into another followed by multiple hugs....until i think i'm almost going to fall over because i have my laptop in my backpack. he asks if i really must go and i confess it isn't necessary and i was looking for an excuse not to leave. i lay down and fall asleep in his bed while he sits at his desk and watches the election commentary.
I wake up once and realize how uncomfortable i am sleeping in my clothes. i strip to a point and climb back into bed. His arm quickly wraps around me while he's half-asleep. I'm amused by the way he sleeps next to me, as if he's become so used to me being beside him.....i'm like a stuffed animal or something to him. as i drift back into slumber, i feel his warm body behind mine....like a protective shield. somehow, i begin to sense this is starting to mean more. i wake up once or twice in anticipation of the alarm. AW often mumbles incoherantly and moves his arm lovingly across my shoulders, back, and around my waist. i think he even kisses the back of my neck multiple times in his sleep.
dawn breaks and the alarm reminds me of the obligations i have ahead. i roll over to snuggle against his comfortable body. i bury my head down in his chest with my left ear towards his face. he whispers," you're beautiful, you know that?" i've never heard that kind of compliment from him before. sure, i've been told how sexually desirable i am for him and my intellect praised. but beautiful- and the light, honest, serious tone in which he spoke seemed to slightly indicate "i'm totally falling for you....slowly, but it's happening and i'm starting to acknowledge it"
he embraces me...and eventually i roll out of bed. as we're about to part he says, "i'm glad you decided to stay last night." this time as i leave i see that same look i caught Friday night. that look-the realization of how close we've become....maybe he is falling...and perhaps i am, too
i'm far too afraid to truly admit it....he has to say so first. but i feel much more sure of this than i have previous. i was seeing so little of him...i was afraid of him being forced to spend so much time with C-bad psuedo jealousy.....but he's actually quite annoyed with her personality. now i'll be around for fields of academia rehearsals....
time to play piano for an hour before i go back to my room and sleep.
i thought it could happen, and maybe it is.
it's amazing how playing lovers, even for a few minutes, can make one feel as if it's intensified their chemistry. AW and I sang a duet from Fantasticks-the closing ballad, a song of reuniting and profession of true love. we felt it, at least i felt it. and i believe that love to have a certain degree of truth to it. one can only act so well until there's feeling behind it. maybe that's what made him open up to me a bit more. that, or maybe it was because we spent most of the weekend together.
nevertheless, after rehearsal last night- emily is learning chord progression for a show and it's lovely....I ask him to proof my Tennessee Williams paper. He agrees and we go back to his room. I kept telling myself i needed to sleep in my own bed that night- 9 o clock class and AW is obviously preoccupied with the election results and cursing bush and the conservative swing the American citizens have taken. I'm ready to leave, but as we say goodbye it keeps getting longer and longer....a drawn out kiss turns into another followed by multiple hugs....until i think i'm almost going to fall over because i have my laptop in my backpack. he asks if i really must go and i confess it isn't necessary and i was looking for an excuse not to leave. i lay down and fall asleep in his bed while he sits at his desk and watches the election commentary.
I wake up once and realize how uncomfortable i am sleeping in my clothes. i strip to a point and climb back into bed. His arm quickly wraps around me while he's half-asleep. I'm amused by the way he sleeps next to me, as if he's become so used to me being beside him.....i'm like a stuffed animal or something to him. as i drift back into slumber, i feel his warm body behind mine....like a protective shield. somehow, i begin to sense this is starting to mean more. i wake up once or twice in anticipation of the alarm. AW often mumbles incoherantly and moves his arm lovingly across my shoulders, back, and around my waist. i think he even kisses the back of my neck multiple times in his sleep.
dawn breaks and the alarm reminds me of the obligations i have ahead. i roll over to snuggle against his comfortable body. i bury my head down in his chest with my left ear towards his face. he whispers," you're beautiful, you know that?" i've never heard that kind of compliment from him before. sure, i've been told how sexually desirable i am for him and my intellect praised. but beautiful- and the light, honest, serious tone in which he spoke seemed to slightly indicate "i'm totally falling for you....slowly, but it's happening and i'm starting to acknowledge it"
he embraces me...and eventually i roll out of bed. as we're about to part he says, "i'm glad you decided to stay last night." this time as i leave i see that same look i caught Friday night. that look-the realization of how close we've become....maybe he is falling...and perhaps i am, too
i'm far too afraid to truly admit it....he has to say so first. but i feel much more sure of this than i have previous. i was seeing so little of him...i was afraid of him being forced to spend so much time with C-bad psuedo jealousy.....but he's actually quite annoyed with her personality. now i'll be around for fields of academia rehearsals....
time to play piano for an hour before i go back to my room and sleep.
i thought it could happen, and maybe it is.
samedi 30 octobre 2004
did i see something?
i love autumn....these days where it's overcast and slightly gloomy with a chill in the air...days when i don't have anything to worry about save reading a very interesting biography for a paper due mid week. all i have to think about this weekend is that paper and my music-piano, voice, and chords for a show. i have no place to be until 4:30. I'm spending the day alone. but perhaps i need to get out of my room so i'll work....i'm going to the library after i make myself some food. cafeteria food is so horrible on the weekends.
i keep turning over last night in my head. it had been a week since i'd had good quality time with AW. i'd been feeling neglected, but the neglect was understandable. he's been busy so i've been preoccupied. i went out with friends this week. it was more like orientation week before i started rehearsals. but after we come back from the movie, i try as nonchalantly as i can to go back with him to his room. we both knew that as soon as i did that i wouldn't be leaving until the next morning.
he's been deprived, too. i could feel it as we kept pushing further until we came up to the perimeters of sex. we lingered, seriously debating....and if it weren't for a very strong determining factor we would have gone beyond. but i sensed something...there was a time when i did something i looked back and he held my gaze with this look in his eye for 30 seconds. i tried to read it, but i was fairly certain the look wasn't of lust or sexual want. it was sincere. and as well as i know AW it will be awhile before he admits anything like that. if anything, he'd be more like me and try to supress it. supress it because we're not truly labeled. that thought satisfies me. perhaps he's been having those thoughts run through his head. i don't know if that's right...but that thought comforts me.
and there's always his treatment of me the morning after. when he has to get up for work today, as opposed for me getting up for class during the week. as he slides out of the bed he caresses me and kisses my forehead. and as he leaves, he tells me again i can sleep in his bed as long as i want and he'll lock the door behind me. he sits down beside me and softly kisses my mouth, gives me a hug and then another kiss. "have a good sleep, i'll see you when i get back" he's almost out the door when he has this urge to come back for another kiss. this always seems to happen. that moment of goodbye that's extremely heartfelt, followed by one of us leaving and him instigating that last kiss.
i hold on to those moments, because it seems to me that's how he truly feels about me. for some reason he lets his guard down in the morning because the stress of the day is not yet upon him. versus during the day, and possibly even the week, he's so preoccupied with everything. i would be, too. what's going to happen, i wonder? will anything change? will he ever tell me how he really feels? i'm afraid to ask for fear of spoiling what we have. i've already decided he's making first moves. it's safer for me that way. in the meantime, i'm very happy to be over my feelings of neglect
i keep turning over last night in my head. it had been a week since i'd had good quality time with AW. i'd been feeling neglected, but the neglect was understandable. he's been busy so i've been preoccupied. i went out with friends this week. it was more like orientation week before i started rehearsals. but after we come back from the movie, i try as nonchalantly as i can to go back with him to his room. we both knew that as soon as i did that i wouldn't be leaving until the next morning.
he's been deprived, too. i could feel it as we kept pushing further until we came up to the perimeters of sex. we lingered, seriously debating....and if it weren't for a very strong determining factor we would have gone beyond. but i sensed something...there was a time when i did something i looked back and he held my gaze with this look in his eye for 30 seconds. i tried to read it, but i was fairly certain the look wasn't of lust or sexual want. it was sincere. and as well as i know AW it will be awhile before he admits anything like that. if anything, he'd be more like me and try to supress it. supress it because we're not truly labeled. that thought satisfies me. perhaps he's been having those thoughts run through his head. i don't know if that's right...but that thought comforts me.
and there's always his treatment of me the morning after. when he has to get up for work today, as opposed for me getting up for class during the week. as he slides out of the bed he caresses me and kisses my forehead. and as he leaves, he tells me again i can sleep in his bed as long as i want and he'll lock the door behind me. he sits down beside me and softly kisses my mouth, gives me a hug and then another kiss. "have a good sleep, i'll see you when i get back" he's almost out the door when he has this urge to come back for another kiss. this always seems to happen. that moment of goodbye that's extremely heartfelt, followed by one of us leaving and him instigating that last kiss.
i hold on to those moments, because it seems to me that's how he truly feels about me. for some reason he lets his guard down in the morning because the stress of the day is not yet upon him. versus during the day, and possibly even the week, he's so preoccupied with everything. i would be, too. what's going to happen, i wonder? will anything change? will he ever tell me how he really feels? i'm afraid to ask for fear of spoiling what we have. i've already decided he's making first moves. it's safer for me that way. in the meantime, i'm very happy to be over my feelings of neglect
mardi 5 octobre 2004
I'm not sure what possessed me to do this....suddenly I had the urge to read A's blog. It made me remorseful and I realized the bad decision I'd made. I'm not regretting making it, just the circumstances surrounding it. I'm feeling slightly empty now....a void grows within me as I'm trying to stay afloat. I keep moving on with my life and putting myself on the backburner. I love everything I'm doing, I truly do....I love college. I just don't love this state of perpetual abuse of self. I deny myself sleep and relaxation so I can keep going.
I feel the need to talk to A. I don't know what I'd say but I don't feel the need to push him away anymore. I don't want what we had before, but I want the friendship. I could tell him anything and he'd listen. I can get that here, too...but I think I'm guarding myself. I'm doing it to the point where it isn't even concious.
This weekend as I was laying in bed with AW....fooling around, both of us turned on and contemplating sex.....we were holding back in our heads while still wanting to proceed.....i realized the feelings I had for him....the potential for love. And as I thought this I so badly wanted to supress it. I can't form these feelings....I don't want to be vulnerable...I can't. Can't I separate these deeper feelings. I need to protect myself. He's been just as busy as I. Maybe this weekend we can have some good conversation, we haven't had that in awhile.
Two days later we were laying side by side....he told me his ex stayed with him the night before. I wanted to know what happened....nothing beyond making out fully clothed....but for some odd reason that hurt worse than when A cheated on me with LK. When A did it, it didn't hurt at all. Whereas AW, I guess I had higher standards for him. He feels bad....and honestly he had every right...but maybe I'm not wrong in the assumption that we treat each other as if we truly are in a relationship. But I asked him if we'd ever end up together- meaning eventually a couple before he graduated- he responded as if there was a good possibility, but in reference to marriage or something beyond college. That has to mean something
In the meantime I'm just trying to get through my homework...back to prep for tomorrow's midterm.
I feel the need to talk to A. I don't know what I'd say but I don't feel the need to push him away anymore. I don't want what we had before, but I want the friendship. I could tell him anything and he'd listen. I can get that here, too...but I think I'm guarding myself. I'm doing it to the point where it isn't even concious.
This weekend as I was laying in bed with AW....fooling around, both of us turned on and contemplating sex.....we were holding back in our heads while still wanting to proceed.....i realized the feelings I had for him....the potential for love. And as I thought this I so badly wanted to supress it. I can't form these feelings....I don't want to be vulnerable...I can't. Can't I separate these deeper feelings. I need to protect myself. He's been just as busy as I. Maybe this weekend we can have some good conversation, we haven't had that in awhile.
Two days later we were laying side by side....he told me his ex stayed with him the night before. I wanted to know what happened....nothing beyond making out fully clothed....but for some odd reason that hurt worse than when A cheated on me with LK. When A did it, it didn't hurt at all. Whereas AW, I guess I had higher standards for him. He feels bad....and honestly he had every right...but maybe I'm not wrong in the assumption that we treat each other as if we truly are in a relationship. But I asked him if we'd ever end up together- meaning eventually a couple before he graduated- he responded as if there was a good possibility, but in reference to marriage or something beyond college. That has to mean something
In the meantime I'm just trying to get through my homework...back to prep for tomorrow's midterm.
lundi 20 septembre 2004
Maybe I'll have to transfer everything into here now. A said he still reads my other blog and I know it pains him to hear about AW. So for the sake of my own sanity I might just abandon the other blog. I so badly want to sever ties with him. To separate would be the best, he's continually reaching out and I'm trying to push him away with out being cruel. It isn't working. He already thinks I'm a cruel and insensitive bitch. Maybe I am, but let me be. I don't care anymore and I'm tired of his manipulative bullshit he keeps pulling on me. It's better for us to be separated. Yes, maybe we can be friends one day.....one day far from now once he's moved past his pain and isn't in love with me anymore.
AW is in a similar situation. He feels the need to put life on hold so he can sort himself out. I don't blame him, he's overloaded and it's slowly wearing him down. I seem to be his confidante, which I like. I've been somewhat reassured that I'm not just here for his amusement. He's actually holding back because he's sensible. He knows he doesn't have the time to devote a relationship and believes I don't either, which is true. It would be completely out of character for me to jump from one to another. But I asked him last night in a game of truth or dare where how he viewed me and where he saw this going. Basically, he replied we'd continue to get to know each other and have fun with this. We don't want to be all mopey when we have to split for the summer. Both of us will be working and most likely in our home states. But he told me he wasn't planning on pursuing any other girls.
We have an interesting relationship. Both of us continually hold back in one way or another. I think he's trying to keep his feelings for me at surface level for sanity purposes. I'm trying to do the same thing. Both of us are extremely attracted to one another and have on multiple occasions were fighting back the urge for sex. I don't know how intimate I want to be with him if we're not officially labeled, but we practically are anyways. I was at dinner and J was asking me about homecoming and if I were going with anyone. I said AW if I could twist his arm...both M and S replied I'd have no trouble. They all probably know AW and I are make out buddies. It's actually a good stress reliever. And in multiple ways because we tend to vent to one another.
I keep envisioning my parents....they met when Mom was a freshman in college. Hmm? Wishful thinking, definetly. He'll be here 2 years and then off to grad school. I'll be here 4 and am also thinking about grad school...or trying to find work in the business. But its just a foolish notion....he even fits my choir theory.
AW is in a similar situation. He feels the need to put life on hold so he can sort himself out. I don't blame him, he's overloaded and it's slowly wearing him down. I seem to be his confidante, which I like. I've been somewhat reassured that I'm not just here for his amusement. He's actually holding back because he's sensible. He knows he doesn't have the time to devote a relationship and believes I don't either, which is true. It would be completely out of character for me to jump from one to another. But I asked him last night in a game of truth or dare where how he viewed me and where he saw this going. Basically, he replied we'd continue to get to know each other and have fun with this. We don't want to be all mopey when we have to split for the summer. Both of us will be working and most likely in our home states. But he told me he wasn't planning on pursuing any other girls.
We have an interesting relationship. Both of us continually hold back in one way or another. I think he's trying to keep his feelings for me at surface level for sanity purposes. I'm trying to do the same thing. Both of us are extremely attracted to one another and have on multiple occasions were fighting back the urge for sex. I don't know how intimate I want to be with him if we're not officially labeled, but we practically are anyways. I was at dinner and J was asking me about homecoming and if I were going with anyone. I said AW if I could twist his arm...both M and S replied I'd have no trouble. They all probably know AW and I are make out buddies. It's actually a good stress reliever. And in multiple ways because we tend to vent to one another.
I keep envisioning my parents....they met when Mom was a freshman in college. Hmm? Wishful thinking, definetly. He'll be here 2 years and then off to grad school. I'll be here 4 and am also thinking about grad school...or trying to find work in the business. But its just a foolish notion....he even fits my choir theory.
dimanche 12 septembre 2004
I feel the need to define myself. To find aspects and amend them. Not sure why exactly except because of AW and this whatever the hell it is. But after talking with him last night I realized that even if we were to end up in a relationship nothing would change between us....nothing.
So some guidelines for myself and my view of self. I want to be self confident without the reassurance of others. Far too often do I look for compliments from the boys I'm dating. I don't need them. I know I'm beautiful. I like being independent and not tied, but at the same time have an object of my affection. I like being sexually experienced but don't want to be labeled as a whore. So instead I'll not be timid and enjoy things. I'm not to be caught up in worrying about being hurt. I'll just live life and not over analyze things....especially "relationships".
But I realized I have to be writing a paragraph so I can go out without guilt tonight.
So some guidelines for myself and my view of self. I want to be self confident without the reassurance of others. Far too often do I look for compliments from the boys I'm dating. I don't need them. I know I'm beautiful. I like being independent and not tied, but at the same time have an object of my affection. I like being sexually experienced but don't want to be labeled as a whore. So instead I'll not be timid and enjoy things. I'm not to be caught up in worrying about being hurt. I'll just live life and not over analyze things....especially "relationships".
But I realized I have to be writing a paragraph so I can go out without guilt tonight.
lundi 30 août 2004
a few precious minutes before my next class and i decide to say screw homework and blog. i'm in one of those contemplative moods today...aloof and unsure.....and i think i fall into the aloofness because i don't know a better way to be without being embarassed....those times when you don't have anything to say and feel dumb about it, even though having something to say wouldn't matter anyway.
i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.
i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.
i feel like my concience has left me, completely......i seem to have no problem and feel very little guilt concerning cheating on A. last night, i was the one who moved us forward...which has never happened as long as i can remember. instead of me holding back for some unconcious reason it was AW. It was me who stripped the top half without his urging. It was me who did stuff to him instead of having to be prompted. God, what a switch....i'm suddenly more sexually confident and i have to pick a taboo situation like this for it to emerge.
i'm going to slow down. i don't want to end up being his makeout buddy. i almost feel like a bit of a slut, even though we didn't go that far. at least he knows that i'm somewhat proficient at it.
but i don't want to be the needy one...i hate that position....be nonchalant. today he seemed normal...still into me and all that. grr....i should stop caring....how is one just friends with benefits. AW's such a better guy than that. i'd like to be his gf eventually, he's a good find. ah well...basically things were how they were, only we make out when we're alone. besides i think i could make him fall in love with me. i don't even have to do anything, just be around and it will happen eventually.
dimanche 29 août 2004
What do I do? I'm caught in an awful predicament, the only thing that would make it better is to know that AW is in it with me. It finally happened, I knew it was going to and I wanted it to....but I'm finally facing the reality of it. AW finally made his move, after about a week and a half. After AM and SD left last night I stayed and watched Family Guy in his room. Things were like how they were Friday night. We were cuddling but nothing more. After awhile I brought it up, because it was obvious we both had feelings for each other, regardless of the signifigant others we had back home. He was caught just as I was...torn between his girlfriend of 2 years who was far away and had been far away for a long time. I was torn between this amazing guy right here, versus the one I had left at home. We started talking about it and I began stroking his face lightly. I stopped and he wanted me to keep going. And then we kissed, and kissed and kissed. He's a completely different style than the other guys I've kissed before. He's so soft and gentle...very tender and loving. Versus forceful and wet with a lot of tongue. I liked it, that's how I would rather it be. So we made out multiple times and it didn't go that far. I ended up sleeping in his bed since it was 4 in the morning and he wanted me to stay.
So we slept in the same bed, side by side....like A and I had done...occassional when we were both awake we'd caress one another....I stayed in his bed until he had to get up for work. So I'll spend the day sleeping and doing homework before I call him tonight after work.
I'm not sure about this...I know I'm going to break it off with A soon. Besides the cheating...my interest is being too easily swayed and the love in downsizing into just friend status. I'm not sure when I'll do it. AW said we'll not be together initially...so we can break off relationships and settle in a little better. He doesn't want to change directions that drastically right now. But he assured me that nothing will be weird between us. We'll be friends with benefits. I trust him. He could have pushed last night, but didn't. He could have made his move last week, but he didn't. But he had his eye on me before we ate dinner and met at school for the first time last wednesday.
And A sent me an e-mail about how confident he is about the relationship. He's so optimist. I'm going to crush him. I'm afraid to phone him...I'll resort to e-mail and probably break it off next week.
But I'm going to take a nap before I do homework.
So we slept in the same bed, side by side....like A and I had done...occassional when we were both awake we'd caress one another....I stayed in his bed until he had to get up for work. So I'll spend the day sleeping and doing homework before I call him tonight after work.
I'm not sure about this...I know I'm going to break it off with A soon. Besides the cheating...my interest is being too easily swayed and the love in downsizing into just friend status. I'm not sure when I'll do it. AW said we'll not be together initially...so we can break off relationships and settle in a little better. He doesn't want to change directions that drastically right now. But he assured me that nothing will be weird between us. We'll be friends with benefits. I trust him. He could have pushed last night, but didn't. He could have made his move last week, but he didn't. But he had his eye on me before we ate dinner and met at school for the first time last wednesday.
And A sent me an e-mail about how confident he is about the relationship. He's so optimist. I'm going to crush him. I'm afraid to phone him...I'll resort to e-mail and probably break it off next week.
But I'm going to take a nap before I do homework.
lundi 23 août 2004
Good/Weird/etc Day
I’m finally getting settled in at school. I had an odd day of just everything. My parents came at lunch and gave me my new fridge and groceries. I told them about concerns with my roommate and the hope that she’d be gone by Thanksgiving/ Christmas whatever. Turns out she’s leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, but its due to financial reasons. I feel bad because I was extremely two-faced to her when she told me. And then we started getting to know each other tonight and I thought maybe we would co-exist. But I’m secretly happy. I get a single room now. She said she’d hopefully be back Spring semester, but I’m figuring no.
Most weirdness of the day: An upper class theatre major, AS befriended me. I ran into him today and ended up wandering off with him. Talking to various staff today and whatnot. Lost my group and ended up eating dinner with him. Basically I’ve hung out with him for a good portion of the day. He doesn’t mind my company. I kept asking him if I’m like a freshman leach or something. But yeah, we’ll be good friends. He’s like my induction into the department. But it was really amusing when I had a comment from and OL about us as a couple or whatever….no. We’re both taken and just good friends. Nevertheless I had to chuckle. Here I am a lowly freshman apparently snagging a junior. Even though I’m not.
And AS reminds me of someone...I realized tonight at the social who. K, the theatre aquantence who will forever have me tangled up in his web of intrigue. I will always have a thing for him even though he doesn’t particularily like me.. But AS’s face and personality (if he were friendly to me) really remind me of K. Ironic no? Yeah….so, hopefully that will not into evolve into an attraction that would be unwelcome for the both of us.
Our toilet is plugged. That will make my day so much better tomorrow. I have a work study job, yes! I’m excited to work in the scene shop. I still need my ID, turn in my health forms, and my books….not to mention I have to stop by IT and get my passwords. Eh...and my checking account, whenever that happens.
Sleep is good. Hopefully I won’t have another insomniac bought like the last 2 nights.
I’m finally getting settled in at school. I had an odd day of just everything. My parents came at lunch and gave me my new fridge and groceries. I told them about concerns with my roommate and the hope that she’d be gone by Thanksgiving/ Christmas whatever. Turns out she’s leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, but its due to financial reasons. I feel bad because I was extremely two-faced to her when she told me. And then we started getting to know each other tonight and I thought maybe we would co-exist. But I’m secretly happy. I get a single room now. She said she’d hopefully be back Spring semester, but I’m figuring no.
Most weirdness of the day: An upper class theatre major, AS befriended me. I ran into him today and ended up wandering off with him. Talking to various staff today and whatnot. Lost my group and ended up eating dinner with him. Basically I’ve hung out with him for a good portion of the day. He doesn’t mind my company. I kept asking him if I’m like a freshman leach or something. But yeah, we’ll be good friends. He’s like my induction into the department. But it was really amusing when I had a comment from and OL about us as a couple or whatever….no. We’re both taken and just good friends. Nevertheless I had to chuckle. Here I am a lowly freshman apparently snagging a junior. Even though I’m not.
And AS reminds me of someone...I realized tonight at the social who. K, the theatre aquantence who will forever have me tangled up in his web of intrigue. I will always have a thing for him even though he doesn’t particularily like me.. But AS’s face and personality (if he were friendly to me) really remind me of K. Ironic no? Yeah….so, hopefully that will not into evolve into an attraction that would be unwelcome for the both of us.
Our toilet is plugged. That will make my day so much better tomorrow. I have a work study job, yes! I’m excited to work in the scene shop. I still need my ID, turn in my health forms, and my books….not to mention I have to stop by IT and get my passwords. Eh...and my checking account, whenever that happens.
Sleep is good. Hopefully I won’t have another insomniac bought like the last 2 nights.
dimanche 18 juillet 2004
lundi 5 juillet 2004
I've come to the conclusion it is all right for one to have secrets. A was being paranoid that just because I was slightly depressed over maslc being over and such that we were going to break up. Of course, he didn't know my sad mood was caused by maslc. Instead his head jumped to conclusions- I was in love with someone else....
Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.
So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.
Which wasn't entirely outside the rhelm of possibility. Yes, I felt more for R and possibily he for me even though neither of us pursued that option, save maslc marriage (a joke anyway). And I debated about telling A about what I felt for R, even though it wouldn't have any affect on things going forward. Mom picked up on it, I told L about it...but I'm not going to tell A for 2 reasons: 1. It didn't change our relationship. 2. Nothing is going to happen, and nothing did happen. Besides, it would only upset him and make him paranoid.
So when I was with A, I listened to myself and took my own advice of being firm and knowing what I wanted and not being afraid to ask for it. It worked, and made both me and A happy (yay for bad grammar). Strangely enough this made me feel really independent and empowered, like a strong boost of self confidence. Of course, it didn't hurt that A kept telling me I was beautiful. You have to love devoted boyfriends for that. I totally have him wrapped around my finger, but then again I'm totally wrapped around his.
vendredi 2 juillet 2004
stupid something that made me lose this extra long post...grr
anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.
ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.
so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.
but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...
anyway, i still want to put that here....perhaps it will serve as a reminder of my point of view. The issue of sex/virginity has been plaguing my mind for quite a bit of maslc. I'd promised A, "when i get back"...I'm back now. So throughout being gone i'd somewhat surpressed the issue, save once. When we were on tour in Woodbury I brought up the subject to A, who is a conservative religious person. And of course her point of view is to not do anything until marriage, which i respect. but she kept asking me why i felt i should go through with it. and yeah, perhaps my reasons could have been legitimate....i love him....i want this with him...i feel i'm ready...etc etc.... still she planted the seeds of doubt in my mind, enough to make me want to ask someone else with my line of thinking- L was the only person who came to mind.
ironically, I end up spending most of today with L as she is only in town until tuesday and then in sioux falls for the remainder of the summer and then college starts for both of us. i brought up the subject and got the answer i expected. she did it, once, and regrets doing so....mainly because she was pressured by a long-term boyfriend and it complicated the "seriousness" of their relationship. and basically that's what's happening to me, i'm being pressured as much as i want to tell myself i'm not.
so basically, i have to decide if i really want this....i don't want to just submit because i thought i would have sorted this out by the time i was back- i didn't, not completely....i do need more time...at least i need time enough to feel i've escaped the pressure. he'll understand and if he doesn't, too bad. i'm not going to be forced into something that i'll potentially regret. i need more time to want this... and there is a possibility that i will want it.
but in the back of my head lies R...who my attraction is not friendship based anymore. granted, it took a long time for it to develop into that, but nonetheless it happened. i miss R already. and i keep thinking that A and i won't last...at least not too long after college starts. but i almost want to be unattached right now. eh, i have no idea...
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